Page 27 of Perfect Chaos

“Can we just not do this, Little Tornado?”

“You don’t get to be present in the moment and then shut me out, like it didn’t happen.”

“It was a mistake.”

“Funny. I didn’t hear you say no or try to stop it from happening either time. So was it a mistake, or was I the mistake?”

“You know what I meant. Don’t do that.”

“Don’t do what? Call you on your bullshit? If you hate me so damn much, why do you have not one, but TWO, different nicknames for me?”

“You are better off not knowing my answer.”

“Just fucking tell me already!” Annoyance, anger, and even hurt lace her voice. I hate that i caused the emotions but we are too far into this conversation to stop now.

“Atlas calls you Chaos.” I spit the words out like they are venom. My anger lacing every word.

“And how does that have anything to do with you calling me Little Tornado or Little Demon?” Her eyes are watering as she looks up at me. She is practically pleading for the truth and it guts me.

“Because it’s the closest I will ever get to being able to call you MINE. I don’t know how to be around you without being spiteful. I don’t trust myself around you. That’s the real reason and it’s fucking infuriating. I don’t hate you, but it would be so much easier if I fucking could.” I hiss out the response through gritted teeth. My chest heaves as I try to keep some form of control while I unravel in front of her. Each word feels like a physical pain between my ribs. This is not how I wanted this conversation to go. I didn’t want to have this conversation at all. She has enough shit going on without me dumping my shit into the mix.

She opens her mouth as if to respond to what I just said, but I storm out of the room, slamming the bedroom door behind me before she can say anything. What the hell did I just do? I need to learn to keep my mouth shut.

Chapter Fifteen

Atlas

Maizyn storms off after Gavin, and even though I want to do nothing more than follow them and listen to the conversation, I give them their space. I feel like this is something they have to figure out on their own. I know she is my girlfriend. In a normal situation, I would be right beside her, but if I intervene right now, they will never work this out. They are both so stubborn that my involvement will cause them both to shut down and avoid the conversation entirely. I tuck myself back into my underpants and fasten my jeans back up. This did not go the way I planned it.

I thought we were heading in the right direction with how everything played out. Gavin needs to figure out what he wants. While it’s pretty clear to me that he feels something for Maizyn, he has to get out of his own way. He could have walked away, but didn’t. He chose to be a part of what just happened and then ran as soon as it was over. He is fighting with himself. He hasn’t outright told me that he is struggling with something, but I am not blind. I have known the man long enough to know something is wrong; I just figured he would tell me when he was ready.

It’s not good for him to keep everything bottled up. Hell, it’s not good for Maizyn either. I want to go and tell Gavin he is being stupid, but I need to see where Maizyn stands after what just happened. It all depends on her. If she wants something with Gavin too, then I will do what I can to make it happen, but if it’s not what she wants, I won’t push the situation ever again.

I might think I know what is best for both of them, yet I’m not delusional enough to think that I am always right. I have proven that I have gotten it wrong in the past. I hear Gavin’s door slam shut. I take that as my sign to go check on Maizyn.

I round the corner and almost run into her. Her shoulders are slumped and she is wiping her red-rimmed eyes. Shit. Whatever Gavin said hurt her feelings. Maybe I should have waited until she wasn't so emotionally raw to push this. What if I ruined everything because she wasn’t ready for it? I pull her to my chest, kissing the top of her head and rubbing small circles on her back until I feel her relax.

“You okay, Chaos?” My voice is hesitant. I know she won’t talk to me if she is not in the mood for conversation, so I want to tread lightly.

“Just fucking peachy.” The small hiccup that follows portrays otherwise, but I don’t press it. If I add focus to the fact that I know she is the opposite of fine, she will refuse to talk to me about how she is actually feeling.

“I know you might not feel like talking, but I need to know where you're at right now… with everything that just happened.” I make sure my tone stays low and measured, even if my emotions are all over the place right now.

“Take this stupid thing off of me, then we can talk.” She lifts her right hand, showing me the metal cuff that is still attached to her. I let out a small laugh as I fish the key from my pocket and unlock it from her wrist.

“Do you want to tell me why you were crying? Did you not like what happened? You know, all you had to do was say your safe word; everything would have stopped. You had full control of the situation.”

She pauses as if thinking about how to answer my series of questions. While I think she enjoyed it, her silence makes me anxious. I never want to put her in a situation she is not comfortable in.

Her cheeks turn pink and I let out a sigh of relief. “No. Uh. Nothing like that. I enjoyed it. It’s just so confusing.” She fidgets with her fingers, wringing her hands together in exasperation.

“What’s confusing?” I keep my tone as even as possible. I don’t want my emotions to dictate how this conversation goes. I want her to trust me enough to be completely honest.

“Gavin. Everything about him. He is so hot and cold. I don’t even know why I care. I shouldn’t feel anything for him.” Her words come out strained as she tries to convey what she is thinking.

“You’re allowed to care, Chaos.”

“But why do I?” Her voice cracks on the last word. It makes me want to punch Gavin for making her feel this.