Page 28 of Perfect Chaos

“Do you like him?” My voice comes out smooth even though I feel like I am walking a tightrope.

She shakes her head vigorously, panic igniting in her emerald green eyes as they begin to water again. I hate that she is fighting with herself on how she should feel.

“Hey, relax. I’m a grown man. I can handle the truth, baby girl.”

“You know you are my yellow Atlas; I want to be with you.” The words wobble on her tongue as they come out.

“That's not what I asked, Maizyn.”

Her eyebrows scrunch, but the fact that I used her actual name means I have her undivided attention. “Then what are you asking?”

I step towards her, placing my hands on her waist. I want to comfort her, not make her feel trapped in this conversation. I swallow dryly, steeling myself before finally asking the question that has been on my mind for two weeks now. “Do you see yourself with both of us?”

She flinches at my question, her eyes looking anywhere but at me. Bringing her hand up to her mouth, she begins chewing the skin on her thumb. I know she is close to panicking. I need to bring her anxiety back down in a way that allows me to still get the answers I need. I slip one hand under the hem of her shirt, trailing my fingers across her skin to ground her. My other hand gently grips her chin, pulling her focus back to me. Pulling her thumb from her mouth, I place a kiss on the angry flesh she was chewing on before guiding her hand to rest on my chest before returning my hand to her chin, rubbing my thumb across her lower lip before pulling her closer to me, tilting her chin to give me access to her neck. I kiss at the base of her throat, trailing kisses up her neck, nipping behind her ear, then planting a kiss on her lips.

She deepens the kiss immediately, pouring all her emotions into it. Her hand on my chest, fist my shirt in a death grip as she pulls me impossibly closer. Matching her energy, I pull her against me. She gasps as she feels how my body reacts to her, my hard length pressing against her. I use her gasp to my advantage, slipping my tongue between her plush lips. Her tongue tangles with mine as she reaches to touch me through my pants. Shit. This is going too far. I break the kiss, leaving us both panting as I pull away.

I try rewording my question differently. “You don’t have to answer me if you don’t want to. But there really is no wrong way to answer this. I just want to check in with you to see where your head is at. I promise it’s not a trick question and nothing you say right now could upset me, but is there any part of you that would like to explore things with him?”

“I don’t know. I don’t want to do anything to risk losing you.” She says it so quietly I almost miss it.

“I wouldn’t have pushed this if I wasn’t okay with it, Chaos. I just want you happy.”

“It’s not like it matters what I want anyway.” She sounds pessimistic and it kills me.

“Why would you say that?”

She throws her arms up in frustration before pointing in the direction Gavin just went. “Gavin made it clear that it was a mistake and he regretted everything.”

“I don’t think that’s the case. I think he has shit he needs to work out first that doesn’t have anything to do with you.”

“How do you know?” Her brows furrow in confusion, but I don’t miss the doubt hiding beneath it.

I give her a knowing look. “I’ve known him long enough to learn that instead of dealing with things properly, he'd rather avoid them altogether. There is no reason to stress this right now. How about we get you to bed? We can figure everything out another day. I can even talk to him soon to gauge where he is at with everything, if you want me to? Until then, just let him come to you.”

“Sleep sounds nice right now, yes to all of that. Let’s go to bed.” I can see how tired she is, both mentally and physically, after everything she went through today. I lift her off the ground, wrapping her legs around my waist, and carry her into our room. Dropping her feet back to the ground, I help her maneuver out of her clothes before pulling my T-shirt off and slipping it over her head so she can wear it as a nightgown. I pull the blankets back for her so she can climb into bed. After discarding my jeans, I slide into bed next to her and pull her to my chest. It’s been a long day; I know I won’t be able to get any sleep unless she is in my arms. Tomorrow I can come up with a plan and talk to Gavin. Tonight I just want to sleep next to her.

We lay in silence long enough that I assume she is asleep. I finally let myself relax completely. Just as I am about to fall asleep, I hear it. A broken cry muffled on an exhale. I brush her hair out of her face, ready to console her, but her eyelids are firmly closed and don't even flutter at my touch. She is crying in her sleep. I pull her closer to me, rubbing small circles across her back. Doing anything I can think of to comfort her besides waking her. I hate that she won't talk to me. I hate that she only lets herself be fragile when she is asleep. How am I supposed to help her if she won't tell me what needs to be fixed? It doesn't even have to be me she talks to, just someone. I don't think keeping everything bottled in is helping her in any way and it's killing me.

I hold her for hours while she tosses and turns in her sleep. I'm exhausted, but I can't go to sleep in case she needs me. Not while she seems trapped in a nightmare. I want to wake her up, but I read somewhere that it's best to let the person work through it unless they are at risk of hurting themselves. So instead, I hold her until the nightmare finally goes away before finally drifting off to sleep.

Chapter Sixteen

Gavin

No matter how much I enjoyed finally crossing the line with Maizyn, it should’ve never happened. I can’t keep doing this. She is with Atlas. They are soulmates by the very definition of the word. I don’t know why I keep trying to wedge myself where I don’t belong. No, they haven't given me a reason to think I did anything that I wasn’t welcome to do, but I can’t fuck her like she is some random chick and then move on as if nothing happened. Every moment around her feels heavier than a casual hookup ever has. I am absolutely fucked, I know that. It doesn’t matter if I want her. Nothing I want matters, ever. Someone else's feelings always take priority over my own. Is that what this is? Do I have actual feelings for her? The fact that I don’t know the answer makes this so much worse. She deserves so much more than anything I could ever give her. Plus, I am not stupid enough to believe she will ever leave Atlas for me. I wouldn’t want that to happen either. They both deserve to be happy.

This can’t become anything, even if I want it to. My mind is all over the place. I have never once thought about wanting a relationship with anyone, yet the very first person who has the power to change my mind is already dating my best friend. If I have some kind of guardian angel, he is probably sitting somewhere laughing at my misfortune.

There is no way I will be getting any sleep tonight. Instead of wasting time staring at the wall, I figure I should do something productive. Grabbing my laptop from my bag, I bring it with me as I plop onto the bed. I need to invest in a desk for the room so I can work in a more comfortable position. Being hunched over the keyboard is far from ideal, but it works for the moment. If it wasn’t such sensitive information, I would be happy to sit at the kitchen table. That's something I can worry about later, though. I open up my laptop and pull up the files Ramos gave me. Maybe there is something I missed the first time.

I scroll through everything he gave me on Vin. It’s nothing more than boring paperwork if you don’t know what you are looking for. I pull up my Tor Browser and dig up whatever I can find on the LLC listed to any known alias for him. Most of them are dead ends—your basic money laundering front. Three of the LLCs wire money to and from two different shell companies, but I already knew that. I do an internet search of his name just to see what all comes up. The lack of information that I find is impressive. There are a few pictures and news articles, but everything paints him like an outstanding citizen.

I exit out of the files. There is nothing in them that I haven’t already found. I split my browser window, pulling up Wireshark. I run the program on the first shell company to track any network traffic. I switch to the offshore leaks database, looking for anything that may reveal the entity behind either of the shell companies and come up empty-handed. Exiting out of that, I pull up vesselfinder. I try to track any products coming and going from either company, but nothing suspicious stands out. At least not as far as kidnapping goes. One company seems to be running all of his legal businesses, so I dismiss that one and turn all of my focus to the other shell company.

He’s good. I will give him that. I would have already figured it out if it was a normal white-collar crime. If it was simple embezzlement or money laundering alone, I would have been able to crack it by now, but this level of security means whatever he is hiding is way darker than that.

I was hoping I would find this the easy way, but I know Ramos wouldn’t have asked me to do this if it was easy. I need to be able to see the actual transactions. I need to be able to see where the money is coming and going to see if anything stands out.