Page 32 of Perfect Chaos

“Now that I know most of the pieces, I think Trevor had a lot to do with everything that happened.”

“What do you mean?” I lean against the counter to brace myself for whatever he says next. My foot is tapping in anticipation.

“Atlas told me he thought someone was stalking you. He found threatening letters, so he put a tracker on your phone as a precaution.” His words are soft and calculated, picking each word carefully, trying not to send me into a panic. He walks to me this time, standing close enough now that I can feel the body heat radiating off of him.

“I don’t remember any letters? I think I would remember something like that.”

“Atlas hid them. He didn’t want to worry you in case he was wrong.” His soft-spoken words as he reaches out to grip my hand ease a little bit of the tension in my shoulders.

“Wait, the tracker… That’s what we got in a fight over. I thought he didn’t trust me. He refused to explain why he put it on my phone when I asked him. He- he should have just told me why.” The last sentence catches in my throat as a heavy wave of sadness tries to take over.

“He was only trying to protect you, Maizyn. He didn’t lie to hurt you.”

“I wouldn’t have left that night if I knew the truth.”

“He knows that. You didn’t have to see him falling apart trying to find you. The guilt still eats at him, Little Tornado. He is still scared he is going to lose you again.”

“How do you know?”

“I’ve known him almost my whole life; you are one of the only people he has dropped his mask for.”

My stomach drops to my feet, my heart feeling like lead in my chest. I didn’t expect the truth to hurt as much as it does, but it’s also cathartic to know that Atlas was trying to protect me the only way he knew how. I feel myself mentally pulling away from the conversation. I know this is as far into this conversation as I can handle going.

“Thanks for talking with me.” With that, I place my mug on the counter and walk back to my room. I needed that way more than I thought I did.

Gavin

After what I said to Maizyn last night, having that conversation with her this morning was the last thing I expected. Add that to my talk with Atlas and my mind is all over the place. They both seem to trust me with something that I don’t know if I can handle. She trusts me enough to open up to me and he is trusting me with her heart. What the hell do I do?

When Maizyn left the kitchen, I retrieved the mask from the hiding place I'd thrown it into when Maizyn walked in, then sprinted to my room. I’ve been sitting here staring at the yellow stitching of the mask from where it sits on the edge of my bed ever since. I have to decide by tonight, thanks to Atlas and his ultimatum. I don’t blame him for that but it doesn’t make it any easier.

There is so much shit I need to figure out.

Do I tell Atlas about my conversation with Maizyn? Will he be pissed I told her?

Should I show up tonight, or is she better off without me?

I decide to unpack the easier problems first. A part of me feels bad I told Maizyn about the tracker and the reason Atlas put it there to begin with. It was Atlas’ story to tell, yet I was buzzing with excitement because she came to talk to me. She chose to confide in me. I don’t know what that means to her, but it means the world to me. Seeing her reaction to the truth crushed me. She deserved to know the truth; I just wish telling her didn’t hurt her so badly. I hope Atlas isn’t going to be mad even though he told me to try and get her to talk. It doesn’t make any of this easier, it only eases the guilt a bit.

I go back and forth on if I should even tell him about my conversation with her. On the one hand, I don’t want it to come back to her and ruin the little bit of trust she handed me. There was a reason she wanted to talk to me instead of Atlas. On the other hand, I feel like I should warn Atlas about what is going on with her. He will know the best way to handle this. He knows what's best for her. What if there is a way I can warn him without revealing the details?

I cave. Pulling out my phone, I type a quick text to Atlas before tossing it on the bed, returning my focus to my dilemma now that part of it is handled. Now for the hard part. Is there a place where my head and heart align?

There is no doubt in my mind that I like being around her. My heart beats faster any time we are in the same room. As corny as it sounds, she takes my breath away every time I see her. That doesn’t mean I love her, though. Right? It can be lust. It is possible that I am only interested in her because I have never met another woman like her and I know I never will. She is truly one of a kind, but that doesn’t mean I want to do more than sleep with her. But if that were true, why does the idea of not being with her again almost hurt enough to kill me? My feet move of their own accord as I pace back and forth. It reminds me of the day Atlas first told me about Maizyn, in the living room here actually. My palms are sweating; my shirt feels too tight, like the neckline is going to suffocate me. I force my feet to stop as realization slams into me like a truck. Atlas was right when he called me out. I can’t stop thinking about her. Fuck! I’ve wanted her since meeting her in person. Even knowing she was dating Atlas, I wanted her attention. I want her to love me. I never thought I would have it, and I definitely didn’t think I would have his permission.

It’s such a mindfuck. The same questions keep circling in my head.

Can she love us both?

How will this work?

What happens if it doesn’t work?

Whose heart will break the most if this falls apart?

I ponder every possible situation and outcome, but it only makes it worse. I continue to pace, running my hands through my hair as I talk myself in circles, never getting any closer to knowing I will make the right decision. Atlas’ words ring in my head. What if I keep asking myself the wrong questions? Only one really matters. Will I be able to live with the consequences if I don’t show up tonight?

The fact that I am not even questioning the fact that Atlas gave me a mask and told me to show up to a wooded area is an entirely different story. Based on what I have seen with them so far, I knew there were definitely a few kinks. I’ve personally never participated in mask kink or primal play, but I would be lying if I said I wasn’t interested in it, if Maizyn is involved. I spend the next hour doing my research. If I am going to do this, I don’t want to fuck it up, and I am still waiting to hear back from Ramos.