Page 31 of Perfect Chaos

Maizyn

I wake up alone in bed, but the spot where Atlas was is still warm. He couldn’t have gotten out of bed that long ago. I lay here staring at the ceiling, waiting to see if Atlas would be coming back to join me. He probably won’t. He is probably giving me my space so he doesn't risk waking me up early. I count the rise and fall of my own chest as I try to get the motivation to get out of bed. It’s hard to feel motivated when I couldn’t tell you how I was feeling in general. Feelings are such a fickle thing. No matter how much you want to be in control of them, you just can't. The word mistake echoes in my head, bouncing off the walls and ping-ponging across my psyche. No matter how Gavin meant the words, they still cracked the small plate of armor I was wearing. The worst thing about growing up feeling unlovable is that no matter how high you build the walls to protect your feelings, they're made of sand. It only takes one small incident to have the walls come crumbling down around you.

It makes the doubt creep in. Not good enough. Too much. Too chaotic. Not worth the trouble. Useless. Forgettable, and messy. Each one being screamed by a different voice, yet my voice screams the loudest, broken.

While I can usually convince myself the other voices are wrong, I think it only proves how broken I truly am. I can't blame Gavin for not wanting to get involved; I don't even know why Atlas stays. How hungry for love and affection do you have to be to seek out more when you are already with someone you want to spend the rest of your life with?

I fell asleep relatively fast last night thanks to Atlas holding me. The few moments between closing my eyes and falling asleep were peaceful. All of that disappeared the moment I drifted off. Everything that I avoid during the daytime comes to the surface when I am asleep. Every morphed memory flashed across my vision before it twisted and altered to something else entirely. I relived everything from the past year and a half. All of the mental abuse at the hands of Trevor, running away and ending up in Allendale, where I met Atlas. I remember how freeing it felt just to have him look at the real me that night. The constant fighting over his need for control and my need for freedom, the way we always made up after.

The closer I get to the night of the accident, the foggier my mind gets. I’m still missing details that sit just out of reach. The longer I keep everything bottled up, the closer I feel to shattering completely. I really can’t keep doing this. Suffering in silence is no way to try and heal. I know Atlas loves me. He has tried proving that since he found me again, but that nagging little demon that sits on my shoulders keeps screaming that I will always be too much for him, that he will get tired of me and leave. It’s exhausting. How can the person who makes you feel loved and cherished also be the person with the power to destroy your heart completely? How can your mind feed you what you know are lies, yet you still fall victim to the deception? My body remains completely still as my mind spirals out of control. Will my mind always be my worst enemy? Will it be the thing that one day gets me killed?

Having had enough of my own shit, I finally climb out of bed. Lying here is not doing me any good; stewing in my own turmoil will not fix any of my current problems. I make my way into the kitchen looking for Atlas and almost sprint in the opposite direction when it’s Gavin I find instead. He shoves something into the kitchen drawer when he sees me. Weird, although not my place to ask. It’s too late to run away now, so I pretend like I didn’t see him hide something from view as I pour myself a cup of coffee. The silence is awkward, each of us waiting for the other to speak first. Fine, I’ll do it.

“Any idea where I can find Atlas?”

“No, but he did say that if you came looking for him to tell you he would be back in a few.”

“Okay. Thanks.”

I wait for him to say something next. Instead, we both go back to sipping coffee. Not the most interesting conversation ever. I almost leave when I remember our conversation at Elixirs. Did he really mean what he said? I guess there is only one way to find out.

“Is the offer still on the table?”

He jumped at my words. They must have taken us both by surprise because even I can’t believe they left my lips. “What offer?

“That I could always talk to you?”

“Of course.” He sighs the words, but it doesn’t sound like pity. It sounds more like disappointment, but it didn’t feel like it was aimed at me.

“How much has Atlas told you?” I keep my tone measured, not wanting to make it seem like a big deal that I am even asking him about this.

He stares at me for a moment as if trying to decide how to answer. “What do you mean?”

I break eye contact, picking the skin on my fingers. I didn’t think asking about this would be so hard. “About the accident, the argument that night, all of it.”

“He told me most of the important things. Is there a certain reason why you’re asking?”

“I just…” I sigh heavily as I hang my head and admit what feels like defeat, “still can’t remember everything. I got most of it back, but some of it is still foggy. I can’t tell if it actually happened or if my brain made it up.” I twirl a piece of my hair around my finger to distract me.

“Don’t take this the wrong way, but wouldn’t Atlas be better equipped to help you with this?”

My head snaps up in panic. “I can’t talk to him about this. He can’t know.” Looking away from him, I wipe away all of the moisture beginning to build on my eyelashes. The last thing I want is for Gavin to feel sorry for me.

“Okay, fine. What is the last thing you actually remember vividly?” The words sound strained. Like he already knows this conversation is going to be painful.

“I remember Atlas and I arguing the night I left. I can’t remember what started it, though. I know I went to a bar close to his house and then I remember getting into a taxi. The time between the bar and the taxi is blank. I asked the taxi driver to use his phone. I remember leaving the voicemail and the accident. The next thing I know is that I woke up in the hospital with Trevor but that doesn’t make sense.” I mumble the words as I stare into my coffee cup.

“What part?”

“Huh. What do you mean?”

“What part doesn’t make sense?” His question sounds genuine even though he had to repeat it.

“Oh. You said Trevor caused the accident, but how did he even know where I was? What were Atlas and I fighting over? Did Atlas tell you about any of this?” I watch him in my peripheral vision, trying to gauge his reaction.

“Atlas explained a bit about what the argument was over.” He sighs, leaning back against the counter. I flick my eyes in his direction, seeing the understanding in them. “Are you sure you are ready to hear all this? I just don’t want to trigger a panic attack without Atlas being here to help.” He takes a step towards me before stopping himself.

“I am completely sober, and worst case? You know how to pull me out of one if you need to.” I raise a brow at him before sticking my tongue out at him. A soft chuckle slips out at my failed attempt at lightening the mood. “Just tell me, Gavin. I need to know.” My voice comes out somber this time. I hate that the only way for me to get answers is to have a serious conversation about it.