Page 54 of Perfect Chaos

“Is there anyone we should call to let them know what happened?” I pick at a frayed thread on my jeans, hating the fact that I don’t know the answer to this.

“Normally, my answer would be no. She hasn't talked to her family in a while. But I think there's one person who would appreciate a call.”

Chapter Twenty-Six

Atlas

When Maizyn collapsed, it took everything in me not to collapse there beside her. Gavin was losing his mind, and I needed to be there for him too. I shut down, locking everything I could on the inside. I couldn't talk until I knew she might be okay. What do you say when the love of your life is bleeding out?

I'm not gonna survive losing her again. If she doesn't make it through this, it will kill any bit of humanity I have left. The doctors removed the bullet. They told us she is stable, but she hasn't woken up yet. Gavin's pissed at me, at himself, at the entire world. I don't blame him for it, though. He blames himself for all of it. There's no talking him out of it. I'm familiar with the feeling; the guilt never leaves, just lessens over time. We've been sitting in these hard chairs next to her bed for the last five hours, stewing in our own turmoil while we wait for Maizyn to wake up. I reach out, grasping Maizyn's hand while Gavin goes to ask the doctor for the fourth time why she has not woken up yet. I hear the doctor repeat the same answers as before. ‘Her vitals are stable. She's okay, and she'll wake up when she's ready to.’ Gavin storms back into the room, muttering under his breath about this being bullshit, then plops into the chair beside me.

“She should be awake by now, Atlas.” The disdain he is feeling is distorting his voice.

“I know Gavin.” I use my other hand to grip his shoulder as a form of comfort, squeezing the tight muscles.

His head drops between his shoulders as he sighs in defeat. “What if she doesn't wake up?”

“She will.”

“But wha-”

“Enough! She will wake up, Gavin. There isn’t another option. She has to wake up. Our girl is strong. I know she can do it.”

He forces a laugh that doesn't reach his eyes. “Yeah, she is strong. Her strength isn't what worries me.”

“Then, what does?”

“Her will to live…” The words hang heavy in the air.

I know it's something Maizyn has battled with for a long time. But I thought she was doing well lately. Does Gavin know something I'm missing? “Can you elaborate on what you mean by that?”

“What if she will only wake up if she wants to?”

“You don't think she wants to wake up.”

“She pointed a gun at her head and pulled the trigger. Atlas, what do you think?

“The gun wasn't loaded.”

“Yeah, thankfully, it wasn't loaded. But what if it was? Then what?” He sounds shattered as he forces the words out.

“I know. I know what you're saying. We can figure it out when she wakes up and get her the help if she needs it. We can worry about that later; right now, we need to be here for her until she wakes up.”

“I'm so tired.”

“Me too, man. One of us should get some sleep. I think you should go first.”

“I'm not leaving her.”

“I didn't say you had to leave, Gavin. There is a chair in the corner of the room that reclines. We can sleep in shifts; that way, one of us is awake with her the entire time.

“And you wake me up if anything changes.”

“Of course. Now try to get some rest.” I gesture towards the chair, indicating which one I was talking about.

He nods in acknowledgment and heads towards it. He fights with the lever on the side, trying to figure out how it reclines. He kicks it, causing the footrest to pop open. With a shake of his head in annoyance, he lies in the chair, using a thin hospital sheet as a makeshift pillow. If we weren't currently sitting in a hospital, it would be comical. I watch over Maizyn while Gavin sleeps, a million questions running through my head the entire time. Two hours go by when I tap Gavin on the shoulder, waking him up to tell him it's my turn to rest. Neither one of us says anything. I don't think there's anything left to say until she wakes up. I climb into the same chair Gavin vacated and drift off into a fitful sleep. Repeating the process every few hours. One of us is sleeping while the other keeps an eye on her.

Sometimes we sleep in the recliner chair, sometimes we sleep slumped forward in the chair next to her, our heads on her lap. The hospital bed isn't big enough for one of us to fit beside her. Gavin and I both tried. The nurse and the doctor make their rounds, checking in on Maizyn. They are also trying to convince Gavin and me to get checked for injuries, but we both refuse every time, swearing that we will get checked over once Maizyn wakes up.