Page 12 of Brought By the Storm

My friendship with Stefan was solid, of that I was certain. I knew I could share, but I was hesitant. Saying it out loud again was like confirming a change in my sexual orientation. But I wasn’t sure that was true, as sex itself was not something I had considered with Eric. I couldn’t deny, though, that I enjoyed looking at him and being with him, and had a desire to hold him. At one point, watching his mouth, I had even wondered what it would be like to kiss him. There was no way I could rationalize those thoughts as heterosexual. “Have you ever wondered what it would be like to experiment with another male?”

Stefan’s eyes grew large. “Experiment? As in have sex?”

I huffed. “No, experiment as in do chemistry tests with him. Yes, to have sex.”

He grimaced. “You don’t have to be mean. You’re grouchy this morning. What did you say to him anyway? Something about sex thoughts with a boy when you were younger? It’s not a big deal. Who hasn’t?”

I looked at him, and he became uncomfortable under my scrutiny. “You have?”

Stefan shrugged. “Every guy has. People know about gay sex, so you can’t discuss it without picturing it. It doesn’t mean you want to act on it.”

“Did you ever want to act on it?” I pressed.

“How did this become about me?” he bristled. “What did you say to him?”

Now I shrugged. “I may have said something about being attracted to him.”

“What? Are you insane? Even if you were attracted to him, you can’t tell him that! Do I need to remind you how that will play back home?”

“I know!” I barked back. “I’m well aware of my lapse in judgment.”

“What did he say in response?”

“Nothing,” I replied. “I told you before about the abrupt end to our discussion. I left the room as soon as I blurted my confession.”

We remained silent for a few moments, each unsure what to say next. Stefan sighed. “Why him? I mean, if you were going to contemplate such an act after all these years, what made him so special? There were more attractive men who would have been willing.”

My gut reaction was to defend Eric. I remembered how he had been critical of his own looks, and I couldn’t understand what he and Stefan were missing. “I don’t agree. For the sake of argument, however, who do you think was more attractive that would have indulged this curiosity?”

“Me!” he spat.

I was stunned. My jaw dropped and I stared at my companion as if seeing a stranger in the bed next to me. “Stefan…I don’t even know what to say. You’ve never said anything to indicate you had feelings.”

He turned away from me, facing the wall. “I didn’t think there was any chance of you reciprocating. I didn’t want to ruin our friendship. I didn’t want you to hate me.”

I reached over and stroked his bare arm. I had never done that before, but I didn’t find it unnatural or unpleasant. He was my dear friend, and I had hurt him. “Stefan. I’m sorry. I didn’t know.”

He still didn’t face me, but he was willing to converse. “For many years, I waited for a possible opening. Maybe a hint that you were interested, or even just horny enough to settle for me relieving you. It would have been enough. I was in love with you.”

“You’re in love with me?” I gasped.

Stefan turned to me once again, a bitter look on his face. “I said I was in love with you—when we were boys and all through college. After hearing you talk about girls, seeing you date them for years, I got the point. I moved on. Still, it hurts to hear that you met this chap Eric, and in one day, you’re thinking about shagging him.”

“I’m thinking no such thing. I just find him…alluring. I’m sorry. If I had known you have these feelings…”

“Had,” he corrected.

“I wouldn’t have told you about last night.” I paused. “Are you gay? You’ve dated as many women as I have.”

He laughed, but the tone was bitter. “Used them would be more like it. I didn’t want you to know the truth. I’ve been afraid what you—my family and friends—would think of me. I’ve been with men, but it’s always been clandestine affairs.”

“I see.” But I didn’t. The past few hours had been confusing as I realized things about myself and Stefan that I had never thought possible just a few days earlier. “Is there someone in your life?”

“No,” he whispered. “I think you set the bar too high for me. I never connected with anyone the way I did you.”

We remained silent again for a bit before I commented, “Well, it wouldn’t have worked between us, anyway. A few nights of those boar-like noises coming out of your mouth and nose, and I would have had to suffocate you with a pillow.”

My humor had its desired effect, as he laughed. “Funny. Nobody else ever complained. I guess they were too grateful to be in the presence of such handsomeness.”