Page 47 of Experiments in Offline Dating

We walked into the first little cottage of the Perfumery. Tadhg opened the door for me, pretending to be a gentleman, and Finn automatically sat to wait outside, pretending to be a good girl. There was a handful of people, but somehow the inside of the cottage was so peaceful, and the smells so soothing, that people either stayed quiet or spoke in whispers as if it were a library.

“Ned,” Tadhg called.

“Tadhg!” A loud, nasal voice broke the quiet.

I turned as they gave each other a quick, manly hug, but when they pulled apart, Tadhg’s massive wall of back was in front of me, blocking out any view of my date entirely.

“How’s your da?”

“Oh, he’s fine, Ned. Up to his old tricks. How have you been keeping?”

“Well. Well. Other than me knees, of course.” Okay. Not the best sign.

I struggled for a moment, trying to decide which course of action would be more socially unacceptable: breaking up a conversation between old friends, or awkwardly holding back instead of going to greet my date.

I rounded the corner of Tadhg, and there he was. My eyes flew wide and I inhaled. Oh no. Oh no! I had underprepared.

Tadhg’s eyes flashed to mine in warning. Do. Not, they threatened.

“Hiiiii.” My voice came out loud and squeaky. “So nice to meet you. I’m Maya.”

“Ned.” He smiled and clasped his hands behind his back, puffing his chest up.

His toupee . . . was black. Jet. Black. Blacker even than one could imagine hair dye could conceivably achieve. Blacker even than the inside of a Sharpie. Blacker even than the darkest of souls hunting for bargains on Black Friday. And it sat atop his bright white skin in the relative shape of a bowl cut. I had no protocol for this.

I itched to snatch it off. I squirmed to stop myself from telling him that he didn’t need it. That he would be so much handsomer without it.

“Ned! It’s so nice to meet you!” I said again for no reason at all.

His eyes cast appraisingly over my body, stopping for a long, drawn-out breath around my boob section, which, to be fair to Ned, was pretty much his eye level.

“Well, aren’t you a sight for sore eyes? I’m going to have to buy Jackie a Christmas gift.”

“Ha ha ha!” I said, getting weirder by the second. Tadhg shot me a look that I couldn’t decipher.

Jackie! What was Jackie thinking? Why did he continue to set me up with men who were nowhere near my age range? Was I the problem? Had I said something to make him think this was the type I was looking for? Or did he somehow think this type of man would suit my personality best? Or perhaps that no one my age would have me?

I had never really had this issue with the dating apps—you set your age range, matched on appearance and, if you were lucky, a boring one-line bio about how he was into food. When you set out for a first date, you knew fairly well what you were getting into. Apart from Candlemaking with Clive the Catfish, all the men I had dated were within about five or six years of my thirty-eight, give or take. I had no idea what I was supposed to do on a date like this.

“Should we”—I gestured way too big, like I was on the Home Shopping Network, and tried very hard not to say “distract ourselves with literally anything”—“do some perfume shopping?”

“Sure, sure. Great idea, Maya. Let’s have ourselves a little sniff.”

Oh! I had to brace myself against the counter while his back was turned. Can one die from ick? Possibly.

I stopped myself from googling the probability of ick death and joined Ned while Tadhg held back, pretending, I suspected, to look at the soaps.

The lady at the counter invited us over. “So, we have a wide range of scents, all unisex, and all inspired by our natural surroundings and the special plants and flowers that grow here in the Burren. Please help yourself, and let me know if you have any questions.” She gestured to the samples.

I was grateful to have something to do without having to say much. I grabbed for the bottle nearest me and inhaled. It was lovely. Fresh. Spicy.

Ned was busy smelling another fragrance with big noisy sniffs. “Ooh. Delicious,” he said.

“So nice,” I said.

“What do ye think of this?” Ned sprayed a test card and held it out near my face, flapping it around as I leaned in. I leaned in a little too far, and he slapped my nose with the paper. I heard a cough from Tadhg’s direction that made me wince. He was loving this.

“Oh, wow. Nice! That’s a good one. So”—I rubbed my nose and tried not to sneeze—“unique.”