Page 48 of Experiments in Offline Dating

“I’m happy to hear, Maya, that your tastes favor the unique.”

Then he sprayed not one but three gushy sprays around his neck and, to my uncontainable shock, another spray . . . upon his toupee.

Say nothing. Nothing!

“Ooh. That’ll be . . .” the most fragrant wig in County Clare. I squeezed my awkward little shoulders. “No better way to . . .” keep the rug fresh! “I mean . . . nothing better than free samples!” I winked and hated myself.

“Which one are you going for?” He studied me with a grin.

“Oh. Um. I guess I should . . . This one is nice. Summery.” I picked up the Summer Harvest and gave an experimental half-spray to my wrist and then, without even the slightest thought of where such an action might lead, automatically dabbed my wrists to my neck.

Ned’s wiry hand grabbed out and caught my arm, then, exposing the wrist, brought it up to his nose. “Mmm.”

My eyes went wide. I didn’t like to be touched!

Then, tightening his grip, he pulled us closer together as he made for my neck! My neck!

I stilled in terror while he brought his whiskery face ever-so-slowly closer to sniffle in the vulnerable curve of my tender neck skin.

“Well, would you look at that, now.” A deep, rumbly voice broke me from where I was frozen in Ned’s clutches, and Tadhg stepped between us, forcing Ned to release me from his clutches and us both to take a couple of steps back to make room for Tadhg’s massive shoulder span. “They have a tour leaving in ten minutes just outside. Why don’t we go and claim our spots before it fills up.”

“Oh, there’ll be plenty of room,” said the lady at the counter. “No need to rush.”

“All the same,” he said. “Bit of fresh air is always good.”

“I think it’s raining, actually,” the lady went on.

Tadhg’s posture stiffened. “Well, good thing we brought our coats, then.”

The tour was fascinating and mercifully fast, and then we finished off the date with a warm drink in the garden café. The rain was giving us a little reprieve, and while the prettily painted seats were wet, I was happy to sit outside while I guzzled down my tea with unnatural haste. I also ordered a slice of maple cake, incapable of resisting its sugary siren song, but this I got in a to-go box, in hopes that it might send a readable message to Ned.

Tadhg and Finn sat on the other side of the garden but chose a location, I couldn’t help but notice, that kept us in sight.

The tea was nice, and the garden, with all its delicate flowers and secret leafy nooks, was positively magical. The conversation, in contrast, was loud, stilted, and painful—the highlight of which was when I asked Ned about his vitamin regimen. A few minutes later, I was getting a pat on the hand and a promise to call from Ned, and I was hurrying off back to the Jeep, eager to forcibly squeeze my rump in and get the crap out of there.

Conclusion: date unsuccessful.

Uncontrollable variable: sniffle-induced ick, potentially deadly.

“NOT COOL,” I said, power walking while Finn barked at me.

I looked back to where Tadhg was strolling, not in a hurry now, the turd, and saw one side of his mouth tilt into a lopsided grin, or whatever the goblin equivalent of a grin was.

“You should have told me,” I said.

“I did.”

“What if I’d said something stupid and hurt his feelings?”

“It was fine. Besides, I don’t remember you caring that much about my feelings the other day.”

Not to be mistaken for flirting, this was a dig. I looked back at his face to be sure I was reading it correctly. Yep!

“Don’t be ridiculous. Poltergeists don’t have feelings.” He let out an indignant puff of air. “Except for mad. You’ve got mad down pat.”

We rode in a silence that Finn, barking at cows, did not choose to observe, to a little town called Doolin. Not that Tadhg told me this—I had to look at the signs.

I squeezed my ass out of the car, and we started walking down the hill.