Page 57 of Library or Lattes?

He nodded, so I went for it.

“I kind of got left some money,” I said, then exhaled, like stress was physically leaving my chest.

“Oh no, poor Red,” James laughed. “What a disaster.” I’m not sure my tight smile reached my eyes, and he clocked the change in my mood. “Sorry, sorry. Go ahead.” He reached over and pushed my hair behind my ear, the same way he’d done at Harvest Festival.

“So, I got left this money in my aunt’s will. But it can only be used for ‘seeing the world beyond Oak Falls.’ “ I did quote marks with my hands.

“You don’t like vacations?” He looked at me quizzically, and this time he was the one with the frown line between his brows. “Is that the problem?”

I was tired. Tired of keeping secrets, tired of doing all the things I thought people wanted from me. And here, in the coffee shop, looking at James, I felt it was safe to let my feelings out.

I sighed dramatically. “I would love to travel. I’ve always wanted to see the world, since, like, forever. I used to make my pop go on pretend trips with me.” I laughed at the memory.

“So wait. I don’t get it. What’s the problem?” James’s fingers found mine and he rubbed the soft skin on the back of my hand with his thumb.

“It’s just not the right time. I don’t want to leave Pop alone … or I didn’t, but then he told me he’s like in this new relationship, with Jo from the library. Which is fine. I mean, it’s whatever …” I didn’t give James a chance to say anything then, even though he looked like he wanted to. “And then there’s Lennie, you know, my best friend. She’s just started going out with this girl Sara. You know the girl who came in with her brother to buy cookies?”

James nodded, looking confused now.

“Well, nobody knew they were going out and I accidentally outed her to her brother, so now my best friend isn’t talking to me, and probably won’t ever again, and I keep texting her, but she won’t write back. She told me to stop calling, and when I really think about it, I have no idea why I’m actually staying in Oak Falls, because what’s the point of staying somewhere that wouldn’t even notice if you left?” Tears pricked my eyes, and James squeezed my hand.

“Breathe,” he said gently. “Your friend. Lennie?”

I nodded.

“She’ll forgive you. It wasn’t deliberate, and she’ll know that, but she’s probably trying to deal with her girlfriend’s feelings first. Just give it time.”

“I don’t know, I really messed up, I was just trying to be nice with the cookies, and I wasn’t thinking.” A tear rolled down my cheek. I looked away from James as I wiped it off. “Sometimes I do that, just try to be nice, as like an automatic reaction, but I don’t always think it through. And I should have thought it through.” I felt like kicking myself.

“She’ll know that. Deep down, if you’re best friends, she knows you. Like I said, just give it time. And, Red, it’s one of the best things about you, how nice you are. Everyone makes mistakes sometimes.” He was trying to make me feel better, but it wasn’t working.

“Yeah. Maybe. But you know what? You’re right. She does have to focus on her girlfriend’s feelings and Pop does have to focus on his new girlfriend. What is the actual point of me being here?” James looked at me like I was losing my mind.

“You’re here now, even Geoff doesn’t need me anymore.” I played distractedly with the knitted fall leaves that I’d spent half a day pinning in the perfect design on the coffee shop bulletin board.

“I wouldn’t say you’re not needed here …”

“Even Carter is going to Rome next semester. Italy!“

“Oh well, if Penn State said it’s good then it must be great,” James said.

“I mean, maybe I should do something like that too? Just go?” I said it like a question, but I was just thinking out loud.

And it was like my words opened up a black hole in the room, and James disappeared into it. “Yeah, maybe you should,” he said.

He turned away and started angrily stacking cups at the counter. Then it hit me that I’d been pretty insensitive after everything he’d just said. That didn’t erase the fact that I deserved my own dreams, but I had a horrible feeling I’d just been a total jerk.

“I didn’t mean—”

“Willa, don’t. Forget I ever said anything … you’re too young anyway.”

“James …”

He turned and walked into the back room, and I lingered a long time, hoping he’d come back out so we could try that whole conversation again.

But he didn’t.

8 Library