Page 13 of You Only Die Twice

I know it’s irrational, but at least I know it’s me. This isn’t delirium talking. This is just my self-preservation kicking in and not letting me die on this stupid ship. It’s bad enough I’m stuck in here in quarantine; I’m not going to make it worse by purposefully doing something stupid. Besides, it’s got to be freezing out there. None of my clothes will be warm enough.

Crawling back into bed, I pull my knees up to my chest and rock back and forth. An unnamed dread beats at my brain, demanding I know something, understand something…but I can’t figure it out. Once more, I glance at the pills. Perhaps that’s what I need. Something to help me fight off this sickness. They’re nondescript, plain, white pills. Shouldn’t they have some sort of marking on them? But then, I’m not a doctor. I cannot presume to know what I should or shouldn’t be taking.

Hopefully, these are further immune boosters, something to help me stay well - vitamins. Vitamins don’t usually have marks on them. Forcing my brain to follow the most logical answer, I grab the pills and pop them into my mouth before taking a big swig of water. At that moment, my stomach gurgles loud enough that Lizzy could probably hear it. That is if she was actually next door.

My stomach cramps as I look over at the handle separating us. I could try the band again. Perhaps I didn’t put it over the right spot or didn’t have the sensor just right. It’s supposed to let us in anywhere, why not her room? Rummaging back through the drawer, I spot it over to the side and grab it. Logically, I know no one can see me, but just in case, I hold it in the palm of my hand, covering it with my phone before bringing it out.

This is crazy. I know it’s crazy. It’s beyond irrational; yet, the more I think about it, the more everything makes sense…in a convoluted, it only seems rational when I don’t think too hard about it sort of way. Band in hand, I stride over to her door and hold it against the knob.

Nothing.

I try it in another spot, and the result is still the same. Tears stream down my face as I try, repeatedly, knowing what I’m doing is the very definition of insanity. Yet, I keep hoping that maybe I’m just not putting it in the right spot. A sob tears from my throat as I drop the band and slam both fists against the door.

“Lizzy!” I scream, pummeling the wood, not caring in the slightest that it hurts. So what if I have bruises later. At least I’m doing something. I’m trying everything I know to do to make contact with another human being. Falling to the floor, I hold the band to my chest and rock back and forth.

“Shhhhh. Lyubimets. You’ll make yourself sick.” Fingers wrap around my shoulder, drawing me away from the door.

I can’t even bring myself to care that I’m not alone anymore. Besides, I know that voice. It’s embedded in my soul. Why should I be surprised that my nighttime tormentor would appear when I needed him the least? I reach up to take his hand, but it’s not there.

Whipping my head around, I study the room. Nothing is different. Nothing is out of place. I jump up and go to the bathroom, scouring every inch, but nothing. No one else is in the room with me. No one could have come from Lizzy’s door; I was right in front of it. I’m sure if someone came from the main door, I would have seen it. It’s right in my peripheral.

They would have had to walk across at least half of the room and then behind me. I would have noticed that. Wouldn’t I? I go back to the curtains and ease them aside. Still the same old view. Endless water and a few icebergs. There’s not even a whale or something to break up the monotony of glare and blue.

I sink back down to the floor and rest my cheek on my knees. Something is very wrong. Either I’m sick, or I’m going crazy. If I really am sick, I need to get a hold of someone. If it’s the latter, I sure as fuck am not going to go insane in here. Going onto my knees, I crawl across the floor to my band.

Maybe if I start out this way, I’ll get even further to the main door. I have to alert someone somehow. If this doesn’t work, then I’ll use the cabin intercom to speak with someone. The carpet whispers across my skin as I make my way forward. Already beads of sweat dot my forehead. It’s just a door.

What the hell is so scary about a door? I make it to the section I did yesterday and push forward. The dread is still there, turning my insides into liquid, but I force myself past it. “It’s all in my mind,” I repeatedly mutter as I edge forward only to pull back. “Why can’t I do this?”

I make it maybe half an inch past where I did yesterday, but still, I can’t force myself to go any further. It’s like there’s a physical barrier I’m straining against, and it just doesn’t want to budge. Every time I push against it, something in me pushes back. Should I just listen to my brain and my body and stop trying?

No.

The moment I give up is the moment I lose myself. I can’t even make it back up to my feet. I’m stuck there on the ground. Hiccuping sobs wrack my body as I turn around, defeat clawing at me. If only I were stronger…but apparently I’m not. I crawl back towards Lizzy’s door and lay down, curled up next to it. “God,” I whisper, desperate to make contact with someone, anyone. “I’m so alone.”

CHAPTER SEVEN

Jackson

I stare at the screen, unable to pull myself away. Luka’s footsteps echo behind me, but I don’t even care to turn to look at him. It was so fucked up of him to appear like that, toying with her mind. What the fuck is his endgame? I know we’re trying to drive her insane, but what he’s doing I shoving her past the breaking point.

“Some day,” he murmurs behind me, clapping a hand to my shoulder. “You’ll understand the fragility of the human mind. I thought someone like you, an operative who specializes in breaking people, would understand exactly what my endgame is. As usual, I have to spoon-feed everything. It’s tiring. Just once, I’d like to turn someone who isn’t a moron.”

“I’m not stupid, Luka. I’m just not a psychopath like you are.”

He chuckles and sits down in his chair before propping his feet up on the control panel near me. “Not yet, but you’ll get there. I see promise in you. Now then. I have a mission for you.”

“Not until we turn her. That was the deal.” Tearing myself away from the screen, I pin Luka with an ineffectual glare. If I looked at a human like that, they would probably piss themselves, but not Luka.

He merely smirks and pulls his feet down to stand, looming over me, putting that inch or so height difference to good use. True, he could easily kill me without a second thought, but most days, I didn’t care. Death would be a blessing compared to this hellish experience.

The only thing keeping me here, kowtowing to Luka, is that pitiful human sobbing herself to sleep on the floor. I can’t abandon Katrina. Hell, logically, I know she’s not my responsibility, but from the moment I saw the terror in her eyes as she sized up the ship and helped her overcome that initial fear, I decided she’d be mine. The fact that Luka holds her hostage to ensure my cooperation is despicable on so many levels.

Just because I’m a monster doesn’t mean her hold on me has diminished. In fact, somehow, it’s made it even worse. It’s as if I’m now attuned to her in a way that just isn’t possible as a human. She’s burrowed into the core of me, and I don’t see that changing any time soon.

I have no problem taking care of these pesky problems for Luka, but that means leaving Katrina alone with him, and I don’t trust him with her for one moment.

“Awww. You wound me. I’m not going to kill her while you’re away if that’s what you’re worried about.”