Page 62 of The Starling and the Hatter

But this sudden, throbbing need to be with Hatcher—it cut deep, and as I stood there and studied my knotted feeling, it only grew. It expanded out and was soon joined by the feelings I’d pushed down so long ago. The girlhood crush that I’d doused in those first months of knowing Hatcher was suddenly bright and burning—and so much bigger and deeper than it used to be.

The more I thought about it and felt it, the clearer it became. Robert was exciting and unpredictable, running from one thing to the next. I had thought that appealed to me, that that was what true freedom looked like. I’d thought that was what I was supposed to want.

But as I dug down, trying to unearth my true wants and needs, I realized that freedom and security weren’t opposites. And the calm stability that Hatcher had given me without my ever having to ask for it…

He had given me freedom.

In all his steady support and calm faith, he’d encouraged me to find myself. He had valued me just as I was. And if I could just accept that, perhaps I would be able to run free. Maybe that’s who I was meant to be. Maybe down at my very core, I wasn’t just my past and I wasn’t just what I wished to be. Maybe down at my core, I was all of it. I was the foolishness and the bravery. I was the love and the fear. I was the stubbornness. And I could be the one who made Hatcher happy. If only I hadn’t so foolishly run off and put so much distance between us, I could have started this day, this very hour, to show him how much he meant to me.

As the truth of my feeling and the words to go along with it settled over me, a tear coursed down my cheek and I had to swallow. “I’m Elise Wolfe,” I whispered to myself, “and I love Hatcher.”

I turned and ran, heading to where I’d seen Garnet. I had to tell her what I now knew. I ran up to her stall, arriving out of breath and no doubt looking wild. She looked up and grinned when she saw me approach.

I came to stand before her, but I didn’t say anything as I tried to calm my racing heart. The realization and the words seemed too big, too monumental to be spoken to anyone.

But Garnet’s smile was full and soft and encouraging. “Tell me, child. Who are you?”

“I am a wild woman, but I’m also a Wolfe woman,” I admitted, claiming my family name. “And that’s okay. I’m stubborn and determined. I’m a daughter mourning her parents and a sister who stood up for herself.” I swallowed as I accepted just how much bravery that had taken. “I’m a performer and a helper. But most of all”—my breath hitched and I wanted to laugh or cry or both—“I am in love with my very best friend. I love Hatcher.”

She smiled and her eyes brimmed with tears as she reached out a hand to me, squeezing my fingers in her own. “It is good to know where you’ve come from, and even better to know where you are going.”

I chuckled. “But I’ve been so unfair to him, and I don’t know where I’m going.”

“Up,” she answered. “You’re going into the light. You’ve hidden your wolfish nature for so long that you’re buried by all the mounds of dirt you’ve piled on to protect yourself. Stop trying to dig down when you should be climbing up toward the light. You’ve been underground for too long. It’s time to find your way to the surface.”

I blinked away tears as her words pieced my heart. “But how do I climb up? How do I even know what up is?” I asked, heartbroken that I’d spent so much time not appreciating all that the Hatchers had given me.

“Trust your intuition, and act out of love,” she said with a confidence that I trusted. “Love, when it is real, will guide you into the light. You, my wild girl, are destined to live topside.”

Her words rang in my head, turning over and over, echoing into every corner of my mind. I’d been underground for too long. Had I truly hidden myself out of fear? Had my brothers buried me with each injury and insult? Or had I burrowed deep in the earth myself, believing I would find my mother there? If I were being honest, the answer was likely a combination of all three. There had been times when I’d been with my brothers that I had closed my eyes at night, wishing I wouldn’t wake up so that I could be with my mother again. There were countless times I’d tried to stand up for myself, reaching for the light, only to have Daggon or Morley push me back into the dark.

So if I wanted to do as Garnet had said, if I wanted to live topside, I had to choose it. I had to gather the bones of who I wanted to be, and I needed to find a way to sing them to life. “I’m in love with Hatcher,” I repeated, knowing that was a truth I could hold on to.

“And when do you plan to tell him as much?”

I laughed. “As soon as I can get to Winhaven and find him, I suppose.”

She nodded. “Now you know where you are going, and you may tell me your name.”

“I’m Elise Wolfe,” I said, smiling brightly through my tears.

She looked shocked by my confession, leading me to believe that she truly hadn’t known who I was. But I didn’t have time to talk about that now. She was right. If I was going to live topside, I had to start moving. I reached out and squeezed her hand. “Thank you, Garnet,” I said, then dropped her hand and ran.

Could I leave now? Could I find my way to Winhaven on my own? I’d never traveled the road from Lorta to Winhaven. Not many did. The road that ran along the cliffs between the mountain and the sea was so winding that few ventured on it with wagons.

But I didn’t have a wagon.

And if I was by the sea, and not traversing mountain passes…I could travel that road alone, couldn’t I? I would have to be sure to get careful directions and watch my back, but I could do that. If it meant being with Hatcher in two days instead of two weeks, I could do that.

As I rushed through the tents, anxious to get my pack ready so that I could go, a hand caught my arm, pulling me to a halt.

My heart jumped into my throat and my fist clenched, ready to fight off my assailant.

Until I recognized Robert and his grin. “Well, I’ll be,” he said with a satisfied smirk. Then he pulled out his watch and glanced at it before looking back at me with a cheeky lift of his brow. “A bit late, aren’t you?”

I let out a breathy laugh. “Actually, I was just passing through.”

He laughed. “Sure you were. Come on, I’ll show you the best acts.” His hand slid down to encase my own and he started to walk off, towing me behind him.