Page 61 of The Starling and the Hatter

Elise

Working in Stormbrook on my own was a rude awakening. I didn’t like it. I missed being with the Hatchers. I missed the chance to change my costumes whenever the whim struck me. I missed tramping about with Robert, finding adventure and waiting to see what he would do or say next. I missed speaking with Hatch. Aside from the one fascinating encounter with Garnet, the entire week in Stormbrook had been arduous, because I was just…waiting.

By the end of it, I was quite disillusioned with this quest I’d gone on, but I had to hold on to the hope that once I found Robert, it would all be worth it. True happiness required work and risk, right? I had to dig down into the earth and find the courage in my bones. So at the end of the week, I helped the Pruetts pack up their stall and we traveled to Lorta, where I was determined to find Robert and discover, once and for all, if he and I could be brave together.

The idea of being like the mother of wolves continued to hum through me, especially as we traveled toward Lorta. I had never thought to aspire to such a thing, because it was only a folk tale, a story of magic and abilities beyond the human. But the way that Garnet had spoken of it seemed attainable, almost inevitable. Did we all have a deeper, greater self inside us? One with intuition and bravery and the kind of self-possession that makes one stand tall and walk through life with both confidence and deep compassion? What a fantastical idea, and yet it filled my chest with hope and longing. I longed to know that part of myself.

Yet the more I thought of myself in that light, and the more I thought of the journey I was on right now, the more disheartened I became. Most of what I felt toward Robert was hurt and frustration. He’d abandoned me one moment, and then asked me to chase after him the next. Was that fair to me? Just the fact that I was asking that question was a testament to how much Garnet’s words had affected me. I rarely considered what I deserved, but as I thought on it, I came to the tentative conclusion that I deserved to be treated better than that.

Still, Robert was a part of my past that I longed to repair. If someone from my childhood could love me the way I’d needed to be loved all those years, surely that would fix some of my broken parts. Wouldn’t it? I had to try. I had to give Robert the chance, and perhaps once he knew how much effort I was willing to give to our potential future, he’d be confident enough to reciprocate. If we could both be honest, maybe we’d be able to find each other’s broken pieces and put them back together. Maybe he’d be so excited to see me that he would apologize for leaving, and tell me all the things I longed to hear. Maybe he’d trust me with his own torn-up parts.

If he didn’t…and I hated to admit just how real a possibility that was…

Well. I’d go back to Dressle. I’d go back to the family that had taken me in. My love and appreciation for them had swelled and expanded with each day I’d been away from them, especially when I realized how much they had repaired me. I’d come to them as such a small portion of my true self, and because of their acceptance and friendship, I was nearly a full person now. With that realization, I started to wonder if I’d been terribly unfair to them. They’d told me countless times that they cared for me and didn’t think me a burden. But I hadn’t believed them.

Shame filled me at the thought, realizing I’d essentially accused them of lying to me for years. I owed them all a tremendous apology, and it saddened me that I couldn’t give it to them now.

All I could do at the moment was focus on finding Robert and trying my best to tell him the truth of my feelings.

If only I knew what those feelings were. They’d shifted and warped over the past week, and the closer I came to finding him, the less confident I was in them. Yet I had to see it through.

We arrived in Lorta on Sunday evening, and I resisted the urge to run off and find him, instead choosing to show my appreciation to the Pruetts by helping them unpack and set up. I even helped Mrs. Pruett make dinner and then stayed to take my meal with them.

It was close to sunset when we’d cleaned up. I ran off, determined to thoroughly search the festival grounds before the light became too dim. Only a handful of the vendors were still setting up, having arrived this afternoon as we had. But by the time I made my way through all the tents, most had settled around fires, content to spend a relaxing evening before the hustle started in the morning.

I stopped at each fire, trying to inconspicuously see everyone’s faces. I thought of asking everyone I saw if they knew where Robert was, but I couldn’t bring myself to attract that much attention to myself, and after making my way around the grounds more than twice, I gave up and went to join the Pruetts at their fire.

When I resumed my search in the morning, I was more hopeful. Sunlight made searching so much easier. I had donned my costume, hoping to appear as if I were only looking for a spot to perform. I saw Garnet busily organizing trinkets and potions with the help of a young girl. She didn’t see me and I hurried past, knowing that I did not have the answer to her question yet. I didn’t know who I was. I hadn’t found my song yet.

I’d been trying to remember the words my mother had used to describe the wolf mother and put those to music, but they wouldn’t come. The melody eluded me, and the more I tried to think of the exact words she had used, the more they jumbled in my mind.

I needed to find Robert. No matter what he said or how he reacted when I found him, I knew that I wouldn’t find the answers I needed until I saw him again. So I searched the fair, finally running into a leatherworker I knew and asking him if he’d seen White, the magician.

“I saw him earlier, entertaining some young boys. He headed that way.”

My heart leapt and I thanked him profusely before rushing off. He was here. He hadn’t hurried off yet, and if only I could find him, we would finally, finally be able to come to understand each other.

I rushed past the fire breathers and the spice seller, ducked around jugglers and threaded my way through the crowds, all the while searching for his familiar bright vest and tall hat.

A round of female laughter caught my attention, and when I located the ring of young women, Robert was at their center.

I let out a relieved sigh. I’d found him. Finally.

I approached at a slower pace, content to watch him as he performed. It wasn’t a surprise to see him flirting with the girls. Festival rats knew when to use intrigue and when to use outright flattery or flirtation. Then another girl joined the group. A girl in a bright red cloak. I stared, wondering if it was the girl who had saved me. The way I’d seen her in Murrwood was vivid in my mind because in so many ways, she was just like me. And yet, she’d had friends who she could rely on. Then again…so did I. Hatch, Kat. All of the Hatchers. I had that now.

I drew closer, hoping that if it was her, we could talk for a moment, but when she turned her face toward me, I could see it wasn’t her. I tried not to be too disappointed, returning my attention to Robert, but the closer I watched, the more I frowned. His movements and mannerisms were familiar—too familiar. My heart sank with the realization that the way he treated all of these girls was the same way he interacted with me. He pretended to pull a coin from behind one girl’s ear, skimming her cheek with his fingers and making her blush. When he gave one of them a fright, he apologized by taking her hand and kissing her knuckles. I tilted my head, watching more closely, and the more I watched, the more annoyed I became. Did he ever stop acting? Had he ever stopped acting with me?

All his flirtatious looks and charming teasing had convinced me that he held me in high regard. But he had never looked at me with any true feeling. I’d been so desperate for someone from my past to tell me that what I was—who I was—had value, and that desperation had made me ignore all of Robert’s insincerity.

My shoulders sank in disappointment. Robert finished showing them his tricks, and the girls dropped a coin or two into his hand. He gave an elaborate bow, kissed the backs of their hands, and sent them off. Then he grinned and walked away, looking pleased with himself.

How clearly I could imagine him doing exactly that when he’d left me behind in Murrwood, and I suddenly felt like the most ridiculous fool that ever walked the earth. He had never really cared for me, not the way I wanted him to. That was suddenly, painfully obvious. If he had cared for me as more than a friend—or even as only a friend—he wouldn’t have left without a word. He wouldn’t have goaded me into chasing after him and putting myself in danger. What had I been thinking? Had I truly believed that my sudden appearance would make him magically consider my feelings as well as his own? His behavior suddenly seemed so blatantly selfish that I berated myself for not seeing it before.

I caught sight of the girl in the red cloak again, and as I thought back to Murrwood when I’d seen the girl in the scarlet cloak with her husband and baby, I could clearly recall the way her husband had looked at her. It was the same look that Hatcher had given me. When he’d said “Don’t go.” When he’d told me he didn’t want to cage me.

The old fantasy of running to Robert and being swept into his arms was no longer appealing. In fact, it left a rather bitter taste in my mouth just thinking about it—as did the shame. My behavior suddenly seemed all too shameful. The Hatchers had stood by me. They’d provided me with a home…and I’d rejected it.

As that shame and disappointment set in, the only thing I wanted…was Hatcher. He cared for me—truly cared, and I knew he would listen and try to understand no matter how tangled my thoughts were. He would be honest and supportive. The need to be with him grew, as did the reality that I couldn’t be, and the ache I felt at not being able to go to him was so much worse than any pain I’d felt at Robert’s abandonment. It was so much more crushing than what I felt watching Robert flirting with every girl in sight and being completely happy without me. That was more of a simple irritation. It hurt my feelings and my pride, but it didn’t go deeper than that.