Page 42 of Lost & Found

“See. It’s all a part of the journey. Maybe you need to make one, too. Word of caution, though, don’t let Pasha pick the number of items to go on the list. He’ll screw you in the end.”

The words had no sooner left my mouth than our gazes locked across the table. This was the first I’d acknowledged his presence. His lips curled seductively as his chest puffed.

A silent exchange passed between us. Suddenly, I wished I’d kept my mouth shut. And in slow motion he opened his. I narrowed my eyes in warning. It was enough that he wisely stayed silent.

Dinner passed in a blur and a flurry of upcoming talk about additions to the club. Both staff and some new expansion dominated the conversation. But soon, Marcel was standing and nodded his head toward the hallway. It was his subtle way of saying it was time. He wanted to continue the conversation from our last session.

We made the journey down the hall to his office and were soon seated across from one another. He smiled affectionately.

“Do you remember where we left off?”

I nodded, feeling a lump form in my throat as I summoned the courage to delve into the depths of my past. “Yeah, but I wanted to tell you something first, if that’s okay?”

He leaned forward, his eyes fixed on mine with unwavering attention. “You know you can. Whatever you want to share, I’m ready to hear.”

“It’s about the list, actually. When you originally suggested it, I did what I used to do back then.”

My code word for the time I spent locked away. He eased back and steepled his fingers under his chin.

“Retreat?”

“No, the other one. Lie. I actually had a short list made the same night you suggested it. It was all the things I thought you’d want me to do. Not authentically me. Partly because it’s still a lot easier to default back to that as a mode to cope.”

“Understandable. I’m proud you recognized it. Am I right in assuming then that this new list is more authentic? More truly what you want.”

“Yes,” I breathed. “I won’t lie, some of the things are influenced by various members of the house because you are all such a huge part of me. But at the end of the day, I really evaluated them one by one.”

“I’m proud of you for recognizing that.”

“I also did that thing you suggested and picked them apart individually and asked myself what I wanted out of it. If I couldn’t come up with something that ended with a growth curve, I didn’t add it to the finalized list. I wanted you to know up-front, so when you see it, you don’t make assumptions.”

“You know I try hard in my practice not to do that. And I’d say I’ve mastered separating our family history with what you need professionally. Are you not feeling the same?”

“That’s not it. I’m not explaining it very well. Today’s rehashing of back then, I didn’t want it influencing how you viewed the list.”

“You’ve explained it well. I’m guessing this has to do with the unresolved guilt you’re carrying over being singled out.”

I loved that he didn’t call me the chosen one or the favorite, and I gave him a slight nod.

“Alright, so tabling the list, let’s dive into that guilt a bit,” he said.

“We’ve covered the fact that Sonny often treated me to things that were off-limits. Extra time outside, sweets and watching TV. God, I hated every single second of it. He honestly thought he was making my life amazing by doing those things.” I sighed.

“You were forced to navigate a minefield of manipulation and deceit. You did your best to cope with the pressure of it. I’ve heard stories, mind you, not about kidnapped children but women in similar situations as Tori was in. People want to connect and if someone is offering them a kindness in a depraved, evil situation, it’s normal to grasp at it. To take it if for no other reason than to feel a sense of normalcy.”

A bitter laugh escaped my lips, tinged with that resentment and defiance. “I don’t think I’ve ever told you the reason I started lying to them in the first place.”

“You haven’t. Feel like doing so now?”

“Yeah, actually I do. You know how we’re still looking for Winter?” I paused while he nodded in affirmation.

“She is the reason. Well, more like I could see the way they twisted her fears. I think it is what actually inspired them to ask us the question in the first place. Sometimes they could easily see in how we reacted to something, how much fear it caused. The whip, ball-gag things like that.”

“And other times?”

“They’d ask outright. Maybe it was the years growing up with you all that made me think outside that box. When I was asked what scared me the most.” I stopped, and a grin erupted across my face. “I lied. I went with the one thing I knew Bash was afraid of.”

“You didn’t?” Marcel’s face mirrored mine now, and we both spoke at the same time.