Page 43 of Lost & Found

“Spiders.”

“I got so good at acting like I was terrified. I mimicked him. Screech, run and jump on the nearest piece of furniture. In my head, I was having a secret laugh at them. It evolved from there. I got a sick sense of power when it was time to watch TV with Sonny or have my favorite dessert. They couldn’t read my mind, so I went with it.”

Marcel’s face filled with pride. “If you think about it, though, it was smart on your part. Not only did you keep your real fears hidden, but you preserved your favorites along the way. You didn’t let them win.”

“They almost did, though. I know we talked about what happened when I got home, but something you didn’t know is that I probably sat at the police station for hours, silent as could be. Officer after officer asked me my name and finally one of them gave me a pencil and paper. If I had only spoken it, they could have easily called my parents. But it was his delivery that moved things along. The lead detective was pretty frustrated by that point.”

I took a shaky breath, whispering as I struggled to find the word to describe the moment.

“I don’t like that look.”

My eyes shot up, and his expression was full of empathy and understanding.

“I was thinking about how pathetic it was that I wrote Autumn down on the paper. He about lost his shit and pushed the paper back, demanding a last name. I probably looked uneducated, like I didn’t have the slightest idea of what a last name was.”

I paused once more before continuing, and tears welled up in my eyes. The flood of emotions as I remembered staring down at what I’d written physically hurt. Writing down the name that had become my identity and trying to reconcile what the police wanted from me, the truth, caused me to snap.

“I yanked the paper over and that’s when I broke. Tears streamed and choked sobs erupted. I’m talking ugly crying at its finest. Snot and all.” My eyes sought Marcel’s, and he gave me a sweet smile of encouragement.

“Seeing the name, it taunted me with the reminders. I damned near gouged the table beneath the paper. They had to pry the broken pencil from me and give me a new one. That’s when I wrote my real name down.”

With a glimmer of understanding and a flicker of compassion that spoke volumes in his eyes, he spoke. “It must have been incredibly difficult for you.” He handed me a tissue. “But you reclaimed your identity, your sense of self, even in the face of unimaginable fear. You should be proud of yourself. I know I am.”

“Well, I hope you still feel that way after you read the list. It’s me further trying to uncover my true self. The fear factor isn’t quite as intense. It’s more like a challenge. Now is as good a time as any to also tell you I’ve appointed Pasha as the one to keep me accountable.”

The tiniest shift happened before my eyes. His expression was neutral, his features schooled. If I were a normal client and didn’t know him so well, I would have missed it. But the flicker in his eyes, the briefest moment of hesitation, and the fingers on his right hand moved. How much had he and Victoria talked about this?

“I know you. Let me put you at ease. Victoria is misreading things. Well, not everything. She absolutely has the correct thought that he’s safe for me. But he also challenges me without allowing other things to filter in.”

“Things like?”

“He doesn’t know me from before. Not like you all do. You know what I was like prior to and more so after. You remember the silence, as does every other member of this house. The isolation, the fear of going out. You all lived it—with me.”

I lifted my gaze, hoping he wasn’t going to object. “Pasha didn’t, not to that extent. Sometimes it’s like I say I’m doing something and all of you imagine ten steps down the road and then evaluate if it could potentially cause me to retreat.”

“Duly noted. I didn’t realize we did that. I’ll be more mindful and when you’re ready, I’ll talk to the guys about it. Did you decide on the list—as far as sharing it with the family?”

“A part of me wants to keep it confidential, but I realistically know it would be impossible. I think my biggest fear is how Bash will act.”

“I think it’s time I see this list. And for the record, the list is not about him. I agree keeping it completely confidential would be difficult. I can handle him.”

“You sure about that?” I asked, feeling an edge of discomfort settle over me.

“I am. I know your brother is a beast. What you’re not figuring into all of this is that there are four other men who would back me wholeheartedly. The list, please.”

His hand shot out, and his expression changed. It was curious, yet remained supportive. A surge of apprehension hit as I reached down into my bag near my feet.

My fingers fumbled as they brushed against the card. Blocking out the noise of my racing thoughts, I pulled it free. I grabbed my favorite pen.

“Give me one second. I need to fill in one more.”

I let out a long breath. My fingers shook as I worried he would take issue with it. Number three was going to cause a stir for sure.

“Tori told me Pasha suggested several.”

“He did. Probably suggested half of them. Which is why he’ll be an excellent accountability partner. We all know Kinsley would allow me to find the easiest way out.”

I put my pen back, closed the card, and traced the image on the outside. Something in me hesitated. The level of vulnerability was almost too much.