Page 82 of My Girlfriend is Not the Father

Jade sprung up from her lounging position and rested her gaze on Lucy. ‘What do you think I said?’ Jade looked almost hurt, which Lucy hated to admit was the most beautiful look she could’ve asked for at this moment. ‘I told her that I was with you, and she and I would never get back together.’

The air returned to Lucy’s lungs, and for the second time today, tears sprang to the surface. ‘You did?’

‘What else do you think I would have said?’

So many things. They were not on the same page lately, and it was obvious. Maybe Jade regretted leaving her old life. Lucy was a totally distracted, semi-hot mess of a girlfriend, and they had way less history than a decade-long marriage. ‘Honestly, I don’t know.’ She needed to spit out what was lingering in the air, but talking like this was so miserable that she wanted to run and hide in the coat closet. But whatever was happening between the two of them, it needed to get out. ‘I, uh, I think there’s something going on with us, and I’m not sure what it is. But I’m really sorry for whatever I’ve done.’

Jade gripped Lucy’s hands in hers and sighed. ‘No, shit, Lucy. It was me. I just … this’ – Jade waved between their chests – ‘this funkiness was all me. I kept thinking it wasn’t me, though. Honestly, I blamed it on you, the baby, the hormones, the fanfare around the surrogacy, literally anything that removed the responsibility from me. I hate that it took talking to Elizabeth to see what I’ve been doing.’

I’m so confused. ‘What do you mean, what you’ve been doing?’

A choppy exhale left Jade’s lips, and she pinched the bridge of her nose. ‘Do you remember me talking a while ago about how when I was married, I felt invisible? Like I was just along for the ride with Liz, but she was the star, and everyone was focused on her?’

Oh, no. Lucy already saw where this was going. And how in God’s name was she so obtuse that she hadn’t put two and two together? The bigger Lucy got, the more attention she received, the more she talked to other people, the more she ignored Jade. Lucy put her hand against her mouth. How did she do this? How did she take the one thing that Jade mentioned was such a sensitive spot on her psyche and do the exact same damn thing to her? But also, why didn’t Jade say something? My God. She’d been holding on to this for so long.

Actually, nope. Lucy wasn’t doing this. Although communication was obviously good, Lucy should have been more in-tune with Jade and her needs and not make her draw Lucy a map. ‘Oh God … Jesus, Jade. I’m so sorry. I did what Elizabeth did to you, didn’t I?’

‘No, don’t say that. This is not on you, at all.’ Jade shifted on the couch and rubbed Lucy’s shirt fabric between her fingers. ‘Even though seeing my ex was not exactly the highlight of my year, she brought me so much clarity. I’ve been unfair to you, expecting you to be a mind reader. Honestly, I’ve been unfair to myself, too. I never speak up the way I should. I never let you know what I need, what I want.’

The house was four million degrees and Lucy needed water, a fan, and a shower. Her fingers trembled. ‘What is it you want?’

‘You, Lucy. I want you.’ Jade’s throat rolled with a heavy swallow. ‘I love you.’

‘You do?’ The words came out choked, terrified somehow, like Lucy was sure she misheard Jade’s declaration, like she might take them back and leave. But seeing the sincerity in Jade’s eyes, the way she nodded and kissed Lucy’s hand, feeling those words tingle all the way to her toes, Lucy knew it was true. Jade loves me. Oh, the words felt so good. Lucy had always wanted to know what it would feel like to hear those words, if it was the way the movies showed, if the stars really burst in the sky, if the sappy music queued. And now she knew. It was better. They felt like a warm, plush, rose-scented blanket wrapped tightly around her, holding her snug.

Lucy grabbed Jade’s cheeks, contorting her belly in the most uncomfortable but necessary way to kiss her mouth, to cement this moment. For so many years, Lucy was unsure of a lot of things. If she was a good enough daughter for her father. If she’d make a good oven for Drew and Mason’s kid. If she’d succeed at her job, and ever make a real connection outside of Drew, if she’d be happy, truly happy. But what she was no longer unsure of? Jade. Jade loves me. Lucy wanted to hear the words again. And again, and again, and again. ‘I love you, too.’

Ah, the release. This was what love felt like. This was what Drew talked about when he raced to Lucy’s house as a freshman after the first time he and Mason kissed. This was how her dad felt about her mom, how Lucy finally, finally understood how hard it was to talk about her because of the pain he felt that she was gone. The words, the feelings had been there for a while, but saying them out loud was so freeing, so rejuvenating, so freaking beautiful. And right here and now, Lucy vowed to tell Jade this over and over again, because if she thought hearing the words felt good, it didn’t even compare to how it felt to say the words.

For the next two hours, Lucy and Jade talked. They talked so much that Jade refilled their water glasses twice and Lucy was still parched. Jade dived into what it felt like during her marriage, how she didn’t realise the lingering effects dampened her relationship, how she had been holding back, probably trying to protect herself, trying to avoid what she felt with Elizabeth. But by not opening up, Jade was a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Over pizza, Lucy told Jade the stories about her mom. Lucy admitted she wasn’t sure if her previous inability to connect to someone romantically was because of who she was, or if it might be extended trauma from losing her mom so young. Lucy laughed about the pineapple, had a debate about Days of Our Lives versus General Hospital, and snuggled into Jade’s arms when she got weepy again.

As they slipped into bed, Jade nuzzled into Lucy’s backside and laid her hand on Lucy’s belly. Before Lucy fell asleep, Jade whispered it one more time.

‘I love you.’

And for the first time in her adult life, Lucy drifted off to sleep with a completely full heart.

Chapter 33

Jade

Jade seriously regretted wearing heels.

All she’d done was leave the house, drive to Lucy’s, and walk up her porch, and her toes were already on fire. How did people balance their weight on such a small strip of material?

But damn, they looked good. Much like waxing, beauty before pain, at least for today.

Getting ready in her own house and then driving to Lucy’s was a little odd. Sure, she’d been doing it for the vast majority of this last year, but after the talk a few weeks ago, their relationship had shifted. Jade felt like she’d shed the years’ worth of baggage she’d been lugging around, Lucy was somehow way more intuitive to Jade’s needs, and Jade started stepping up with all things pregnancy. Jade felt like she’d practically moved in with Lucy by this point. She’d even brought her bamboo plant to Lucy’s so it wouldn’t die if several days passed without Jade going home to water it.

She creaked the door open, and Chucky bolted her way. ‘Hey, boy. No slobber on me tonight, please.’ She rubbed his head. ‘Where’s your mama?’

‘Be out in a minute!’ Lucy yelled from the bedroom.

Jade set her clutch on the side table, then thought better of it, and moved it to the centre of the kitchen island in case Chucky mistook it for a toy. She peeked at her reflection in the entryway mirror. A rogue mascara flake rested on her cheek. She swiped, then ran her hands down the fabric of her black spaghetti-strapped dress, tugged on the thin rainbow belt, and exhaled.

Tonight was the night. She’d been waiting so long for the Best of the Greater Twin Cities announcement. But the need to win – the almost desperation to win she’d felt before – had evolved. Of course, winning would be validating. But the award no longer felt like it had the power to define her self-worth.