Page 85 of Forced Proximity

The patio door bangs and my teeth clench. He slumps on a chair outside and scrolls through his phone. Now what? I twist my hands together, wait a few moments, then step onto the deck.

‘Justin,’ I say, touching his arm gently. When an icy glare meets my eyes, I quickly drop my hand. ‘Can we talk?’

He stares back at his phone. ‘There’s nothing to talk about.’

The robotic tone is something I don’t recognize. I squint against the sun and pull up a chair. ‘Can we talk about our conversation the other night?’

He tosses his phone on the table, his neck flushing red. ‘Like I said. There’s nothing to talk about.’

Acid creeps up my throat. He’s hurt, obviously, and I don’t blame him. But I know I can smooth this over. ‘Yes, there is.’ I bite my lip. ‘You know how much I value you as a friend, right? Please, please know that I really care about you.’

His eyes soften for a split second before he stands up so quickly that the chair tips up on its back legs and clanks against the ground. ‘I have a busy day and need to get started. You’re welcome to go to your position in the den.’

My position in the den? My mouth drops. I pull in a breath through my nose and release a shaky exhale. ‘Wait, please.’ I reach for his arm again. ‘What you said to me, about having a future. I don’t want you to think that I took your words lightly or anything. I understand what a … vulnerable position that put you in.’

He moves his arm away from my touch and shoves his hands into his pocket. ‘Honestly, I don’t know what I was thinking when I called you. I’m blaming it on my work schedule and this stalker bullshit. Because I felt only one single thing after we hung up.’

My heart lurches in my throat. ‘What did you feel?’

‘Fucking relief.’

A stone drops in my chest. No way did I just hear that. ‘You felt … relief?’

‘The emotional whiplash with you … it’s killing me.’ His eyes taper. ‘I’m done. I am so done. Your words were exactly what I needed to move on from whatever I thought this was. They were a gift. Truly. It made me realize how unhealthy this is. Something is off with us, and I keep fighting for something that doesn’t exist.’

No. No, no, no. This conversation isn’t supposed to happen like this. He’s supposed to say that he’s totally cool being friends, we can pick out some cheesy ’80s movie to watch later, he can tease me about my lack of cooking skills.

‘From here on out, please don’t talk to me about anything personal, okay?’ His voice sounds broken. ‘I mean it. Nothing. You are staff, I am your employer, and it’s better for both of us if we maintain a working relationship until you’re reassigned.’

He pivots and returns to the house without waiting for a response.

I’m staff. My eyes sting and I can’t catch my breath. Of course I’m staff, but the way he says it cuts deep. My chin quivers, and I suck it back in. The brutal California sun is beating at me, but I don’t want to go back inside.

What he said can’t be true. He was relieved? Is he serious? And I’m too hot and cold? I’m doing this to protect him. He caught me off guard when we talked on the phone, and I wasn’t prepared. Heat spreads in me, a nauseating hot lava, starting at my toes and reaching my face. I feel sick. I want to cry, hit something, run away, anything, but be here.

I choke back tears, pace on the patio and take hard, deep breaths. This changes everything. My three-month obligation on this gig is coming up. I won’t stay a day longer than required.

After a few minutes, Zane pops out. ‘Did you get sick of the prince already? He’s been extra ornery these last few days.’

Why is Zane’s cheerfulness making my gut ache unbearably? Don’t cry. Don’t cry. ‘Uh, yeah. I needed air.’

Zane’s eyebrows draw together and they step closer. ‘Are you okay?’

‘I’m fine,’ I snap and immediately regret the tone. Zane has been so kind, the closest thing to a friend I’ve made in years besides Marcus. They don’t deserve my snark. ‘I’m sorry. Justin and I got into a … disagreement. Honestly, I’m just feeling a little emotional.’

‘Wow, sister. I’ve not seen you be anything but cool and calm.’ Zane puts their hand on my shoulder. ‘Want to talk about it?’

‘Yeah, I, ah …’ I just need to get out of here, so no one sees me fucking cry! ‘I need to regroup. And, ah, I appreciate you showing me—’

Zane wraps their arms around me in a warm, full, tight squeeze. Lavender-and-sage-scented lotion wafts to my nose, and I freeze. I’m not a hugger. No one besides my parents hugs me. Besides the meltdown with Justin, the last person I hugged was Katey.

My chin trembles. I grab Zane back and squeeze, batting back the tears.

‘It’s gonna be okay.’ Zane pats my back. ‘Want to talk about it?’

I pull back and drag my pinkie under my eyes. ‘No. Yes. No. I don’t know.’ I pull in a shaky breath. Fuck. ‘I started having feelings for Justin months ago. I can’t do anything about it, obviously. I’m so scared of him getting hurt. If I slip up, even for a second and something happens to him …’ I sniff. ‘And honestly, I thought he might feel the same, but wasn’t sure, and well, whatever.’

‘Oh, Doc. I’m so sorry.’ Zane runs their fingers through their pink hair. ‘But I’m confused. Did he give you the impression that he doesn’t have feelings for you? I mean … I should stay out of it. But he does have feelings for you. He told me.’