Page 57 of The Best Christmas Choir Ever

Charlie pulled her knees to her chest. “Gram had a lot of them framed after he passed. For the funeral. And the wake. And she just never put them away again.”

“That must be…difficult,” Julian said diplomatically. “Being surrounded by all of this.”

“I think that’s why I stayed away from Elm Springs for so long,” Charlie said quietly. “It’s easier to keep my emotions in check, to not let them overwhelm my life, when I’m not thinking about him constantly. But Tom’s frozen in time here, and if I let my guard down, even for a moment, those memories flood in along with the grief, and… I haven’t quite figured out how to deal with that yet.”

Julian’s eyes flickered to the hall, to the boxes she’d piled in front of the stairwell. “Why does it look like you’ve cordoned off the second floor?”

“Umm… Tom,” she started. “When he was… They offered him really nice hospice facilities, but when it came time for that, he just wanted to be in the place that he loved most in the world. Outside of a stage, that is.”

“And that was here,” Julian finished, his soft words filled with realization.

Charlie nodded, feeling sick. Her heart crashed against her ribs. The pizza congealed in her stomach.

“Shit, Charlie,” Julian said under his breath. “Sorry doesn’t feel like enough, does it?”

“Honestly, after it happened, sorry started to feel like the most empty word in the English language.”

“Do you mind me asking how it happened?”

“Cancer,” Charlie said, forcing the word out. “You never think it’ll be you, you know? It’s something you expect to hear in your seventies, not your thirties.”

Julian shook his head.

She put her plate on the coffee table next to his. “You know what still gets me to this day?”

“What?”

“That I didn’t even notice when he got sick.”

“I’m not sure anyone really does. Right? Not at first.”

“But it seems so obvious now when I look back. He was suddenly tired all the time and losing weight. We were traveling for concert performances and doing back-to-back shows. Fatigue just sort of comes with the territory when you’re touring. But I actually joked that we were working him too hard,” Charlie said. She rubbed her brow. “That moment plays on repeat in my head sometimes. Like, what was wrong with me? Why didn’t I see what was happening? Maybe if I’d figured it out sooner or if I’d asked the question—”

“Hey,” Julian said, reaching for her hand, threading their fingers together. “Nothing about this situation was fair, Charlie. Wishing for hindsight when all you can do is look forward… Don’t do that to yourself. Don’t carry that around.”

She swallowed hard, words turning to clay in her throat. She suspected she’d always feel like there was more she could have done.

“Is that why you stopped singing?” Julian asked.

“It’s funny,” Charlie said. “Music is all I know how to do, and yet I can’t seem to find a place where it makes sense anymore. Tom always said to find a place where the music sings to you. But since he’s been gone, nowhere feels right. And the moment it starts to feel wrong, it’s just easier to pick up and leave. I keep thinking it can’t go on like this, but it does… I’m fighting so hard to stay right now because I want Gram settled and secure. I don’t want her to feel like I abandoned her, but some days it’s—”

“Overwhelming?” he said, not looking at her.

She sighed. “Having to constantly fight off the feelings is exhausting.”

“Grief doesn’t follow any kind of time line,” Julian said. “I don’t think you need to be fighting those things.”

“That’s not the only thing I’ve been feeling, though,” she said, catching his eye. She didn’t want to read more into this than she should. Maybe they’d gotten caught up in the heat of the moment, sneaking around the community center. But if it did mean more… “You’re caught up in there somewhere,” she admitted. “When I look at you, I remember a time when Tom was still alive, and I’m worried that I’ll never escape that. That I’ll never be able to let myself enjoy something without opening myself up to all that pain.” She shook her head. “I don’t know if I’m making sense.”

“It doesn’t need to make sense,” he said. “I think grief is ours to process however we need. And this hasn’t exactly been easy for me, either. Seeing you again.”

Charlie frowned. “What do you mean?”

“You meant a lot to me. Back then.” Julian’s hand tightened against his knee. “To this day, I’m not sure why you pulled away, but I took it pretty hard.”

“Oh,” she said, his words taking the wind out of her. “I sort of thought we just…drifted. Didn’t we? Long distance was hard, and school was demanding, and life pulled us in different directions.”

“Is that really how you saw it?”