Page 42 of Melt His Heart

The trance breaks. I tense.

Pulling my shaking hand away, I stumble back a bit to create space between us. My head is swimming, and the room is definitely closing in again.

“I’ve only seen you with girls.” I blurt out. It’s the only thing my mind that clearly wants a way out can come up with.

“Oh, are you stalking me?” Carson laughs suddenly, and my skin runs hot. Of course, this is all funny to him, still care-free no matter the situation, how admirable. I sometimes think about what would even make him tip over the edge.

“I am not!” I squeak.

“What girls?” He says, his eyes darkening a bit.

“The one on your page, obviously.” I retort.

“So you are stalking me.” He looks so smug, it’s annoying.

“And let me guess, you’re talking about Kelly?” He says, putting a finger to his chin and tilting his head.

“How would I know?” I cross my arms.

“She’s my best friend, Julian. Since high school. And she definitely only dates women,” he says laughing, “I’m Bi by the way, in case you want to come up with any other excuses.”

“Oh.” Now I feel really stupid, my face hot and red. She’s not…

“I’d love for you guys to meet sometime? If you’d stop disappearing on me.” He breathes.

I don’t even know what to say about all this. I feel like my body is floating, and my mind is racing with all the things I did wrong or read wrong. Then again, how would I know when a guy likes me? I wouldn’t.

“Julian, can I ask you something?” I nod, “Why don’t you think you deserve good things? I know you like me.” But of course, he would know when a guy likes him.

“I do not!” I retort.

“Ok.” Carson smiles softly, folding his hands in his lap.

Why don’t I think I deserve good things? I’m not sure. It feels weird to even think about. I’ve only ever measured myself by how well I do on the ice, and even then, no matter how well I’ve ever done, the only reward I’ve allowed myself is the medals awarded to the winner.

“Let’s make a bet.” He grins, smugly, “You and I are going to continue on as we’ve been, and if you win the world championships, you have to date me.” Carson says. I stare at him.

“And if I don’t win?” I tilt my head.

“Then I guess you’ll just be right about everything. But you should prove yourself wrong.” He shrugs.

“Prove myself wrong about what exactly?” I clench my fists.

“That you can’t have both. You don’t have to give up one for the sake of the other. You can live both as Julian, a champion, and Julian, my boyfriend.” He chuckles, and I scoff. How absolutely ridiculous can he get?

“I’m just kidding, but really, it’s ok to just be you. This doesn’t have to be all you are.” He adds, gesturing to the room around us.

“And why would I believe that when that’s not been the case for me?” I admit.

“Well, you wanna win, don’t you?”

“You’re confusing me.” I shake my head.

“Ok. Don’t you want a boyfriend?”

Not really, I just want you.

“Are you making yourself the prize cause that’s kind of…” I chuckle, and Carson steps closer to me, into my space.