Page 57 of To Love the Stars too Fondly

And like a comet, I guess Alex hadn’t been meant to stay.

Somehow, despite my swollen eyes and the desire to crash into the gutter and die, I made it home. People on the bus generally minded their own business, even when it came to young women sobbing their eyes out in a fancy dress.

When the bus pulled up near my apartment, I checked my phone like an idiot. Nothing from Alex. Just a meme from Liam.

The injustice of it all left me reeling. The moment I fell into my apartment, I collapsed onto the couch once more and sobbed. She was stupid, stupid, stupid, but so was I. Who did I think I was, getting caught up in some fairytale, with some butch knight to sweep me off my feet? Instead, Alex was the princess who’d locked herself in a tower, leaving me with a broken heart.

“Terra, what’s wrong?!”

I looked up, startled to see Mom rushing toward me. “I didn’t know you were home,” I blubbered, but relief filled me when Mom embraced me there on the couch.

“Oh, hun.” Mom soothed gentle lines across my back with her fingertips as she cradled my head against her shoulder. “Whatever it is, I’m here for you.”

“Alex broke up with me,” I said, then added, “and please don’t give me an ‘I told you so’. She’s just…she’s stupid.”

“I would never. Why is she stupid?”

“She thinks she doesn’t deserve me. So she broke my heart instead.” Sobs overcame me, but I managed to say more. “But I’m stupid too. I thought, maybe, just maybe, someone could love me like El. I know you hated her, but she hates herself a helluvalot more for all the same reasons. And I guess she couldn’t love me more than she hated herself, so it’s over.”

Mom was quiet for a moment, though the kind motions never ceased. “You keep using the word ‘love’. Did you love her?”

“I don’t know. It’s too soon. But I know that I could have, and that’s the hardest part. I know we would’ve been happy, but she had to throw everything away. I had hope, Mom. I haven’t had hope in years. I thought I was too scared to ever be in a relationship with a woman again, but it was so easy with her. I wasn’t afraid. I was on top of the world.

“And now it’s over,” I continued, some deep pustule having finally punctured. “I feel so helpless.”

Mom pulled me closer, cradling me like a toddler as she rocked me. “You don’t have to give up and be afraid again. You’re the strongest person I know. Just being alive after everything you’ve gone through means you’re strong. You’re going to get through this, and you’re going to remember how she made you feel, okay? Not this part, but how she made you feel brave.”

I nodded in her arms.

“Here’s the plan,” Mom said. “You’re going to shower, because showering cures everything. You’re going to get cozy while I go get ice cream, and then we’ll spend the night in, okay? We’ll watch a movie you hate and make fun of it the whole time. Sound good?”

I managed a small smile. “Yeah. Thanks, Mom.”

She let me go, and I grabbed my purse and managed to stumble away.

In the bathroom, as I stripped out of my work clothes, my phone screen lit up. One unread message.

I dove for it, heart leaping like an idiot. Not Alex. But not Cliff. Some other regrettable one-night stand. At least it was a name I’d saved, even if I didn’t remember how I knew him.

Heyy T. Got dumped. Whatcha doing tonight?

I stared at the message for a moment, feeling disgust, pain….

But not fear.

“You’re going to remember how she made you feel, okay?”

Blocked. Deleted.

Amid my despair, I felt a little lighter.

Friday - Two weeks later

“Spiced chai latte for Shanoa!”

At 8:30 AM, I could only summon so much gusto, even with free access to all the espresso I could stomach while on the clock. But my smile was sincere as the pretty, goth woman took her drink. Perhaps too sincere, given she lingered. “Thanks,” she said, her long, black hair sweeping over her shoulders. “You’re here every morning, right?”

“It’s my job,” I replied, trying my damndest to keep the sarcasm out.