Page 64 of To Love the Stars too Fondly

My tears fell softly, silently. I held her back, savoring every second of the finite embrace.

“I guess I didn’t know as much as I thought,” Alex finally whispered. “The press said you were sexually assaulted. The phrase doesn’t really give gravity to the truth.”

When her hold loosened, I quickly wiped my tears before sitting up. “It’s okay. You only knew what everyone else knows anyway. I’d recently turned eighteen, so they published my name and face because they wanted a good story, even though my mom begged them not to while I was recovering. The reporters only got the legal details, though. Not the full story.”

I paused, considering my next words. El’s memory was nearly erased; perhaps this was the time, after all. “I met El in middle school,” I said. “She was living with her aunt because of issues with her parents. Otherwise, she would’ve been in some private school. She was like you—cut her hair short, embraced her masculine side. We were only twelve, but we instantly clicked. And after being best friends, when we were fifteen, it became something more.”

I shut my eyes, managing to see El’s face without any brutal wounds. “You know I was disowned by my extended family when I came out as a lesbian. She was, too, so Mom took El in to live with us. Everything was perfect. We had so many shared dreams, so many plans for the future. I loved her with my whole being, my whole soul, and it was the most beautiful feeling in the world to be loved by her in return. We decided to go to ASU together, even applied to share a dorm. It was supposed to be the beginning of our happily ever after.”

I opened my eyes, lest I see blood. I saw only Alex, her magnetic gaze fixed upon me. “We were out late one night, walking home from a movie. That’s when…they accosted us.” I hadn’t spoken so plainly of it since I sat before the judge. The words came more easily than expected, even as my eyes welled with tears. “They were drunk. They cornered us into an alley and told me they’d let us go if I let them pass me around. I told them ‘no’.”

My face fell. I clutched my arm with my good hand, the dread of it rising anew. “One of them shot her. No warning. Right in the shoulder. I begged for them to let me call 911, and he said I could after I let them fuck me.” My tears escaped rapidly, my next breath shuddering as the pain washed over me. “So, I did. And I watched El bleed out on the concrete while they held me down.”

“Oh, God,” came Alex’s broken whisper.

“Someone heard the gunshot and called 911, so the cops walked right in on the scene.” I pulled Alex’s jacket around me, willing its warmth and scent to soothe me. “It was too late. El bled out in my arms. I just held her, screaming, until the paramedics arrived.

“They took me away—turns out, I had a major concussion from being thrown to the ground. The doctors said I was lucky to not have any brain damage or worse, but they kept me in the hospital for a few days just in case, long enough for El’s family to bury her in a private cemetery up in Sedona and take everything of hers out of our dorm. I knew they hated me. It still hurt like hell.”

I heaved a steadying breath, the worst of it off my chest. Still, my tears followed familiar trails down my cheeks. “I’m lucky, in a way. All four of the men went to prison—three for ten years, and the one who shot El for fifty. It’s difficult to lie when the cops caught it on their body cams.

“Obviously, I didn’t exactly have a good time after,” I continued, failing to summon a chuckle. “It broke something to me. We couldn’t afford therapy after the initial payout ran out, but one thing I was told in those few weeks was to be mindful of behaviors that mimicked my trauma. But telling him no and watching El get shot…I couldn’t protect her, and I definitely couldn’t protect myself. So, I said yes or said nothing to anyone who wanted me.”

I tried to flex my hand and winced. “We all have our scars. Some of us just self-harm in different ways, I guess.”

“Indeed,” Alex said, her gaze no longer on me—but on her own scar, spanning her forearm.

As gently as I could, I lifted her forearm and brought it to my lips, kissing the jagged scar beneath the tattoo. It was far too intimate, but I saw the sheen of tears coat her eyes as I set it down and knew I’d done right.

After, her fingers stroked my hair, brushing it aside to better match my gaze. “I’m sorry, Terra,” she whispered. “And I’m so glad you’re still here.”

“Same to you.”

She shook her head. “This is your moment. Not mine.” When she placed an arm around me, I leaned into the touch, savoring the bittersweet warmth of her embrace. It would be gone soon, too soon. But right now, she was mine.

“You did visit El, right?” Alex asked. “Her grave, I mean.”

“No. I’ve never been. I…I was never ready to face it.”

Alex glanced at her phone, then looked back to me. “Let’s go.”

I stiffened, startled at the words. “What?”

“Let’s go see El. It’s in Sedona, right? That’s only two hours away. We can make it there and back before sunrise.”

“I-I can’t ask that of you.”

“I want to go.” She clasped my good hand, vehemence in her tone. “Terra, you loved El. I want to meet her too.”

I nodded, the surreal truth flooding me as Alex helped me stand. “Okay. Warn my mom, though.”

“I’ll make sure Chiara tells her.”

My legs were numb beneath me, but Alex guided me to her car, the ambient lights soothing as I settled in, uncertain of this feeling brewing inside. Not quite joy; not quite hope; some quieter, delicate thing. “Let’s go.”

Two hours to Sedona—or, something like that. Alex drove alarmingly fast on the deserted desert highway.

We just…talked. About El, yes, but also about life, about dreams, about happy things. Alex told me all about cleaning up her act to finish her degree from Cornell. I told her more about my astronomer aspirations, even if it was, in the school counselor’s words, a ‘dead-end degree’.