Page 67 of The Virgin Playboy

“I know. I just think I wanted to understand you better. Learn more about what motivated you growing up. What motivates your family.”

“Okay, but I'm not my family though,” I argued, wondering where all this was stemming from.

“Yeah, but I'm sure they still have their expectations of you. As much as I'm loving it here, the more time I spend, the more time I feel that I don't fit. I just… it makes me curious on how long I'd be able to accept not... I don't know, fitting?”

“Jaq. What are you even talking about? What are you not telling me?” As much time as I tried to limit her being alone with my family for the first half of the week, I know I could have been better, but I suppose I thought Jaq was good at handling herself. I couldn’t help thinking it was something in her head.

“Graham, I'm human, so please have some understanding when I admit this. This week has been making me feel a little insecure, because this trip has revealed so much. Being back in New York, our time together feels so easy and normal. But here, it's like everything reminds me of how a lot of people see us⁠—”

“We are normal.” Or at least that was the way I felt. It didn't matter that we were opposites, or that we weren't the right ages to satisfy the masses. Jacqueline was the only woman I wanted to be with. How could she not see that?

“Maybe that's how you feel, but being here makes me feel like everything you want in life, I'm standing in the way of. You are such a different energy being home, and you're so far behind on the things that matter to your family. I fear…I fear one day I'll be the old lady keeping you from getting married with kids.”

“Wait, is this all stemming from meeting my ex? I'll be the first to admit the exchange was painful and awkward, and had I had more control of their situation, it would have never happened.”

“It definitely contributed to it. But Graham, it's more than that. Compatibility wise, I'm forty-one. Even if I wanted kids, the window was slightly smaller than a woman closer to your own age. And honestly, I haven't really thought about this stage of my life being dedicated to planning a family.”

“Okay, but it's not like, impossible. Women your age do it all the time,” I blurted out without thinking and instantly regretted it.

“So, you’re already thinking about it?” She let go of my hand, and I could sense her walls going up.

“Jaq, that's not what I meant. And no, it's not something that constantly floats around, but occasionally I have a random thought about the future, and I see you in it. Can you honestly blame me? Is it so wrong to envision a future where you and I are together?” She pinched the space between her eyes, her silence more disturbing than her next words.

“This is what I was so afraid of. That one day you'll resent me if my version of the future looks different than yours.”

“Damn it, Jaq, why are we talking about this shit now? Because one minute none of this shit matters, and the next, it's the only thing that matters. You're gonna hold it against me that I had a different vision as a kid, deep-rooted in religion versus the man I am now, who can make his own decisions? That isn’t fair, and you know it,” I argued. Perhaps I had just needed a reason to be mad. She took a deep sigh.

“Graham, there's no doubt in my mind that my feelings for you are deep. I love you, but I don't know. I'm not so sure I'm what you need…” Raking my fingers through my hair, I let out a scream. I didn’t care how mad I looked to those passing.

“Are you breaking up with me?” Her lips thinned, her expression telling me everything I needed to know.

“Not breaking up, but maybe needing a break. Or just space, at least after the trip,” she admitted. That was the last thing I needed to hear right now.

“Are you seriously doing this?”

“You know we were in agreement that when it stopped feeling fun that we would end things amicably—” Taking her face into my hands, I pressed my forehead to hers, my next request a desperate plea.

“Jaq, please don't do this. I need you. You don't know how badly,” I begged, only to have her push me away.

“And that's the thing, Graham. I don't want you to put all that pressure on me. That's exactly where things went downhill with my ex. Once love turns into that, someone always loses themselves. I mean, look what I'm wearing.” She pointed to herself, opting to wear something my sister let her borrow for this whole stupid tour, something I didn't even ask her to do. Instead of fueling my rage, I took a beat to center my emotions.

“Okay,” I replied listlessly, before suggesting we head back to my parents' house. The ride home was distant and quiet as I fought the urge to cry, but the silence had helped me come to a decision to gain the advantage over my sanity.

“When we get back to mine, I think you should pack your things so I could take you to the airport. You were right, I think I should be spending this time with my family. You being here just stands in the way of that,” I grumbled. I didn't want to spend my dad's last moments being sad over a breakup. She warned me this would happen. It's my fault for not taking her at her word.

I knew the pain from being in love had the power to destroy you. I just didn't know how it could hurt this badly.

CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO

Jaq

The ride back to the airport was a vast contrast to the ride from it. Going came with warmth and affection. It was too long a ride to be so quiet, and if he hadn’t had the radio on, nothing would have balanced out the silence. He didn’t even look at me. Not once. He wasn’t the best at hiding every tick. More than once I thought I’d caught him fighting himself not to cry, or wondering what he was thinking when he let out a hard breath.

So, it surprised me when the car stopped, and being the gentleman he still was, he helped me with my luggage out the trunk.

I wasn't going to let him leave without saying something, as I hugged him, even though his in return gave off little warmth. “I hope everything's okay when you get back to New York. Maybe we can talk about some things more without all your family stuff.”

“Maybe,” Graham forced a smile. “But probably not.” I nodded my disappointment, muttering a simple, “Okay.”