Page 68 of The Virgin Playboy

Graham was right to be upset, and it wasn't fair for me to ask him not to be. It was hard to process through all the static. Honestly, I wish I had went on this trip with him when we were just friends. Then there would have been less pressure regarding these conversations.

I think I was just…I loved Graham, but I didn’t feel like I knew him as much as I thought I did. All that I’d learned about him hadn’t been unappealing, but it was like being with someone who led a double life. Not his fault per se, but I couldn’t help thinking for all that I didn’t know, it would lead me into the maze of Graham, where I couldn’t find myself.

Graham and Hudson had been nothing alike. But at least I was young and not in the same sound mind I was in college. I was going to make stupid decisions then, I didn’t know myself. And I know Hudson hadn’t been taught that a woman could be a main character in her own life, so I didn’t even blame him for making me feel that way so young.

But I was ignoring my intuition. I was slowly shrinking myself to feel appropriate enough to stand with Graham and even with all his green flags, his views of the future were different. Only difference was, Graham and I were in different stages. Hudson and I had been in the same. There’d been times where I’d shrank myself, being in direct competition with him, because he claimed if I cared about him, I’d see that he needed that win. Graham and I were hardly ever going to in competition with each other, so we only celebrated each other’s wins.

I had been in competition with something, and that was his clock. But even that feeling beat someone making you feel like their life, their peace, their joy, was all in your hands.

It took so long to realize none of that had been in my hands. But it didn’t stop how guilty Hudson’s death made me feel.

By the time I started feeling back to my old self, I started falling for someone who needed more than I had trained myself to give. I did want the world for Graham. He deserved it. But I had to admit, that world he wanted, might not be with me.

***

By the time I reached my Brooklyn flat, I fucking lost it. I was bawling and for as much as it hurt, I needed the release. Losing Graham. Or giving him up, hadn’t been easy. I wasn’t so sure I’d wanted a break forever, but he hadn’t seen it that way, so maybe it was just time to make a clean break. But one day he’d understand why we wouldn’t work.

It just meant getting to the normal that he was no longer in. It took a few nights to get used to one of my bedsides being cold. With time to heal, I might feel differently, but the vibrators weren’t hitting like they normally did when I was single.

They didn’t look into your eyes. They didn't match your breath. They didn't kiss you after you came, and sure as hell didn't hold you after. I can't believe I was admitting this, but some of my best sleeps came from when I was in Graham's arms.

But if pain or mourning a relationship did anything, it put you to work. I always got writing done, even a relationship hadn't stopped me from my calling. But raw emotions strengthened some of the characters that I had been building in my head, and while I had the momentum, I wanted to rock with it.

In a week's time, I had a really crappy first draft of something, and even if it didn’t meet the hype of my first, it was still my style. Until I was told it completely sucked, I was pretty happy about it. Slowly but surely, I folded out my former routine, and things were starting to look decent again.

So, when I started feeling uncomfortable cramping in my abdomen, I didn't play about my reproductive health, so made an emergency checkup with my gyno.

“When did you notice something was off?”

“My back, started killing me, and I started feeling cramps that I'm not used to having,” I admitted. “I started spotting, which was normal in the beginning, but given I started feeling this discomfort at the same time, I figured it was all related.”

“Let's just do a string test and make sure it's still in its proper place,’ she instructed, confirming the strings were shorter than they when they were inserted.

‘If you want my professional opinion, I think you should consider a replacement,” she offered.

“I'll level with you, Doc. The only reason I got it in the first place was because Roe versus Wade was overturned, and I was living in Georgia at the time, and couldn't risk it. I even flew up here to get it, just in case. My options are kinda different here, and for all the side effects I normally ignore just to prevent a slip up, I could use a minor break. Or at least consider a less invasive method.”

“We can schedule an emergency removal, for sure, but did you have a contraceptive in mind that you wanted as an alternative?” she questioned.

“With these cramps, I don’t even want to have sex,” I rebutted.

“That may be the case, but you will need to use protection if you become sexually active.” Girl, didn’t I just tell you? Who the hell Imma be fucking? I didn’t plan on having sex for a while, and not just because I didn’t want to risk a scare. I wasn’t about to drown myself or cheapen the last few weeks, let alone months I’d shared with Graham by getting under someone else.

What I could use, though, was an girls' night, as it had been a while since we all got together. Most of what they’d learned about the breakup was through text and I would keep some stuff personal, but I’m sure they wanted to know more. Rum and four different flavors of ice cream later, I poured my heart out at what had happened in New Zealand.

“Of course, I miss Graham. But you should have seen what I was up against. I didn’t want to break up forever, but it also felt like realistically, there was a timeline I had to race and, in that regard, I just couldn’t keep up with him,” I conceded.

“Jacqueline. Honey, Imma hold your hand when I say this, but…you block your blessings an awful lot,” Yenory smiled, but I knew she was reading me for filth.

“Graham would never out right say it, but his future involved marriage and a whole bunch of kids. Like, it’s not impossible, but that’s a lot of pressure. Men our own age don’t even seem ready for what Graham would excel at. I just didn’t want to rob him of those experiences. Maybe it’s the biggest mistake I’ll ever make in life, but I don’t want to be the biggest mistake he’ll make in his.”

“Damn, Jaq don't feel like nobody's too good for her. If she's blocking this blessing, maybe she should just set him free. Time and distance are the only things that show if something is meant to be. Maybe you’re not each other’s person, but if you aren’t, at least you have a clean break to have a fresh start,” Carly concluded.

“Look at you. Carly, acting all wise and shit,” I teased.

“I mean, I have my inner Iyanla moments. Don’t look it as an end. Consider a path to a new journey. Time can only tell where you’ll be in the future, so just own your decision. Whatever’s meant to be, will be.”

CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE