Page 69 of The Virgin Playboy

Graham

“I'm not gonna lie. I'm still getting used to seeing you without long hair. I know it's still got some length to it, but damn, your hair was who you were,” Kaihautū noted, knee deep in video games while I crashed on his couch. After my breakup with Jaq, I'd stayed put with the support of my family until the inevitable happened. When my dad passed away, suddenly, I didn't feel like myself. I cried, I grieved, I prayed, and I tried so hard to keep myself busy. I'd cut my hair to mourn, and it had been like this for months now, I didn't know if I was ever going to grow it out again. Perhaps when I moved back home, I'd start to feel like me again.

Months ago, I debated on even returning to the States. I wanted to be there with family, and being away from home for years, I’d missed so much. Mum and Winnie fought me on it. Said I was too far in my studies to quit. The deciding factor was that if my dad were here, he'd want to see me graduate, so to honor his wishes, I was seeing it through.

“Yeah, well, I don't miss the amount of conditioner I went through. So, I'm willing to call it even.” But really, I was embracing the change. Looking at my missed text messages. A few of them were from classmates wondering if I was still down to meet up for drinks as a little celebration months before graduation.

“Hey, I might be a little late coming in. I'm going out with some classmates, and there might be a lot of drinking involved. Been a bit of a stressful year,” I admitted, throwing on a light henley over my tank before slipping on my trainers.

“Bro, I can't believe you're graduating for your doctorate. You’re like, the only person I know doing that. That shit is so mad to me, bro,” he teased. I couldn't believe I was putting an end to being a student. I'd been studying for so long, it had been a key point of my identity. Eventually, I was going to be out in the world, influencing with the love I had for music to the world. Until then, I just had to make it through the rest of the school year. Sending a few ‘be there in a bit’ texts, I slipped my phone into my pocket.

“Cuz, I'll catch you later,” I ended, making a final exit towards the door.

***

I wasn't sure if the novelty of the city was finally wearing off on me, but lately it was like I could be surrounded by a room full of people while managing to feel all alone. There was definitely a life before Jacqueline, one where I chased the rush of finding the person who truly got me. Who I didn't have to mask for, and who accepted me at face value with all my idiosyncrasies. And then there was the life after. One where I felt like a shell of myself, failing to acknowledge all the small things that used to give me joy.

Every day after the breakup, New York was feeling less and less like home. I knew that relationships starting and ending were a part of life. I just wish it hadn't sucked so much. At least back home, I'd have a bigger support system, and it wasn't as if the job opportunities peaked in the US. There were chances to work and teach all over, and a big part of me was dying to teach in China.

I really thought I needed this night out. The reality was, my lips were moving. Conversations were definitely being had, but I just didn't feel here in the moment. It wasn't depression. Maybe just a few months ago I would have labeled it that. It was like my spark for people had dissipated, and it was going to be a while before I found it again. Excusing myself to the restaurant side of the bar, my heart sank at the sight of the woman I hadn’t seen in months.

Jacqueline was just feet away from me, staring down at her phone while she waited on a pickup order. Everything inside me was telling me to leave. We hadn't spoken since I came back to the States, and she didn't know all the other shit that was going on with me, because the last conversation was more of a wish you well. Was I even ready to face her? How would I know if I didn’t try?

I approached her, a slight delay as she took the time to acknowledge me.

“Oh my god, Graham!” She stood, moving awkwardly as she fought the urge to hug me. Being the bigger man, I closed in and met her, the sweet scent of her perfume unlocking an old surge of feelings. She was wearing this white poplin shirt under a black jumper, accompanied by a plaid pink skirt paired with black lace-up boots and complementing pink shoelaces. She looked really nice. I liked when she wore her hair curly.

“It's been a while,” I said, breaking away from the hug, as she gestured for me to sit down with her.

“I can't believe you cut your hair, it looks nice,” she hesitated. “You look nice,” she remarked, discomfort in her smile.

“Thanks. So do you.” I smiled. Even though our breakup was hard on me, I meant it. She let out a deep breath.

“Graham, I'm really sorry for just leaving everything the way it was, just unresolved. After what happened, I realized that there were things I really needed to work on, and I look back and really regret how things ended. You know that it was never about you, right?” I shrugged, not knowing how to respond, but not wanting to make a scene. I had wanted to reach out, but I understood the bit about going through stuff that was deeper than romance. That and it was more than five months ago. Water under the bridge.

“Wait, what are you doing here?” she asked, breaking the uncomfortable silence. Pointing to the pub side, I finally replied.

“I was meeting some mates for drinks from class. Nothing major. Just some fun before graduation. Picking up food?” she nodded with a warm smile, hugging the mini bookbag nestled in her lap.

“Okay, I have to know. You look really handsome, don’t get me wrong. But why did you cut your hair?” I took a deep, dramatic sigh, knowing that leading with honesty, she'd likely feel guilt. And I didn’t want her to feel bad. I knew what she’d been through, and blaming herself was why we didn’t work.

“Well, it's not a long story. A week after you left New Zealand, my dad passed. Cutting my hair was more like an act of grievance, and I've just kept up with the haircuts. I just embraced the change.” Jaq’s expression went from whimsical to mortified, my main reason for not wanting to tell her. Even when I'd gotten back, we just didn’t talk. Truthfully, I didn't want her feeling sorry for me, and I didn't want her feeling like she owed me something.

“Graham…I am,” she hesitated. “Did you know?” Another sigh.

“My family told me the day we arrived. You’d ask me if he was okay and I knew that he wasn’t. He just really wanted to meet you, and I couldn’t tell him no. I think he was just holding on for me. I was trying to make his last days peaceful. And they were. I know I shouldn’t have kept that from you, but you were already weird about everything that was happening around us. I didn’t want to give you another reason to bail. Didn’t work though.”

“If I had known—” she started, but I grudgingly cut her off.

“It wouldn’t have changed anything. I’ve had time to sit with it and it was probably better for me to just deal with it on my own. I didn’t want you to feel like you were being my crutch, or worse, the other way around.”

“Yeah, but I wish I could have been there for you. Things could have been so different.”

“Maybe it’s good that you weren’t. I really struggled, and you that have trauma there with your ex. I wouldn't have wanted to burden you with my issues. That was probably why it was so hard for you to be in a committed relationship. That much I understood about you.” Her lips thinned, wiping tears away from her eyes, fighting to collect herself.

“I'm sorry. You just told me your dad died, and here I am, the one who’s crying.” She dabbed at her eyes. “Despite how things ended between us, I hate that you didn’t see me as a friend that you could talk to. That's where I can admit to being a shitty person. You couldn’t even come to me, and I know you’ve had months to sit on this, but if you ever need a friend…” she paused, biting her lip. I sighed.

“Well, I should be getting back.” I stood, taking a few steps before turning back. I should have just left it at that, but this was Jacqueline, and I couldn't just shut someone out that I had been in completely in love with. Was likely still in love with.