Page 73 of The Virgin Playboy

CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX

Jaq

I was beating myself up, replaying how differently I could have handled things so many weeks after being estranged from Graham. Asking for space from him a week before his father passed? What the hell was wrong with me?

The least I could have done was stay for the funeral. I can't believe my actions caused him to experience that by himself. Well, not by himself. He’d still had his loving family surrounding him. I can understand though, why he felt abandoned. Even until the end, he'd been so kind.

Everyone could easily distinguish my ability to sabotage my romantic exploits, but I knew most things didn’t always last, even if you wanted them to.

It'd been weeks since we last spoke. No communication whatsoever. Maybe he had finally moved on. Things were better this way. At least now, he could be with someone who could give him the future he wanted.

***

A little spring cleaning was in order, which consisted of a combination of making playlists, dancing to said playlists. Then maybe, maybe, if I fell up to it, getting to that cleaning. I may have listened to punk on a regular, but I was a child of the 90s. A teen in the 2000s. And you can't get your girl to sit down when Old Town Road came on, whether I messed with country or not.

Halfway in, though, I couldn't prove it, but a rat must have died in the wall because something didn't smell right, and I couldn't find the source. I had to open a few windows just to minimize the smell. If I had to smell something that rank, the least I could do was find it to discard it.

Rewarding myself with the fifteenth cleaning break, I collapsed on the couch, ready for slumber to take me. Was it normal to get this tired when you're supposed to be doing something?

Not giving it much thought, my phone notification went off, and I almost didn't reach for it, but my curiosity got the best of me.

Mom: You dad’s taking me on a cruise this summer. Don't be surprised if I come back brand new.

If anything made me less skeptical about the future, it was my parents. Granted, when they got married, wasn't none of this red pill/pink pill, high value man versus what do you bring to table conversations. People chose each other, got married, and just dealt with the rest.

Not that I'm saying that made things easier, but not having to worry about who someone voted for, it definitely sped things along. I couldn't model what my parents had with this particular climate of dating and hooking up, but I could still be hopeful that if love was meant for me, I wouldn't run from it forever.

Come to think about it, I hadn't seen my parents in a while, and if they were going on a cruise, I may not see them for a while. I think it could do a lot of good to catch them before they were less reachable.

Me: Think you’ve got time to host your daughter for a few days? You know? Before you start acting brand new?

Mom: You might be a thorn in our side, but you're still our baby. We'll prepare your room. Bringing any company?

Which meant was I entertaining anyone?

Me: No, Mom, just me.

Mom: Just checking.

It was last minute, but maybe a time away from the city could do me good. Spring cleaning wasn't the answer, because nothing I could get rid of would stop me from being reminded of him.

Not that I wanted to forget him; I loved him too much to lose so many amazing memories. I just needed a break from walking by a couch that reminded me of when we would binge watch TV. Or skipping to a room where we'd always lose and gain back control of each other. I packed a suitcase three times as fast than any spring cleaning I’d gotten done, but when I contemplated packing another sports bra or two, I was reminded where I’d left Graham's gift I’d never got to fully read through.

1000 things I love about you.

I'd probably only read about ninety of them, but he always been firm that he didn't want me to read them all at once. Read them when you're having a bad day, he would say. I want some of them to surprise you. Picking out a random one, even in my disarray, the thought of me making someone feel this way did put a smile on my face.

#831. When you're silly, even in chaos

Flipping closer to the front, I read another.

#17. Your smile, half my problems seem less serious after that.

Between heading to my parents for a detox, without even thinking, I decided to pack the gift, even if it stayed in my suitcase.

***

“Hey y'all,” I yelled from the front door, refamiliarizing myself with their Hillcrest home. Rolling my suitcase into the kitchen after seeing no sign of any intelligent life, I learned why they'd been less responsive.