Page 80 of The Virgin Playboy

Tears stained the letter, reading it over no less than five times. This couldn't be real. Of all the things it could have said, announcing being pregnant with our child certainly wasn't what I expected. When I thought back to the timing, it definitely lined up. And being a fool, wanting to have that last experience of her, I didn't bother asking her if she was even on some kind of birth control, assuming that she still had her IUD. Fuck! This changed everything. I couldn't leave now. Not knowing that there was still hope for me…for us. I didn't know if the way I was feeling right now was happiness, frustration, or anger, but I had to see her.

Cleaning myself up, I reunited with family in the restaurant, wanting to fill them in on everything, but feeling too much of a frantic mess to get the right words out.

“Hey, I hate to leave you when we're all having a good time, but I have to go. It's about Jacqueline. I'll meet you all back at the hotel and explain things there.”

My mum's gaze met me with concern. “Sweetheart, did something happen? Is everything all right?”

“Mum, Jaq’s pregnant, and I don't have to question it, I know it's mine. It's bad timing for sure, but I have to see her before I lose the nerve and get on a plane.” My mum took my face in her hands, pressing her forehead to mine in silent approval.

“Do you think I'd stand in the way of giving me another grandchild? Now go, before I get used to the idea of you coming home.”

CHAPTER THIRTY

Jaq

I knew I still lived in Brooklyn, but ain't no way somebody was knocking on my damn door this late at night. New York may have never slept, but my ass sure did, and at one o’clock in the morning, whatever someone was selling, I definitely wasn’t buying. I just hadn’t expected to have my door fling wide open, as a gust of fear rushed over me.

In a split second, I was about to use an umbrella as a weapon, so when I saw Graham’s sweet face bleed through the door, I instantly froze up. “You still keep your spare key in the same place,” he held up his hands in silent surrender.

“Graham, it's one in the morning. What are you doing here⁠—”

“I read your letter,” and then half my vitriol went out the window. A part of me was hoping he would have waited until he was settled. Already home. But Graham was too curious. He was just looking for answers. Possibly closure.

“What the heck, Jaq? You were really going to let me fly halfway across the world knowing you were pregnant? Why didn't you tell me at my graduation?”

“I didn't want to ruin your graduation. You deserved to know, and I didn’t have any other time to prepare you for it, and it even felt wrong choosing to do so then, but it was the last time I thought I’d ever see you. And I just felt you had the right to know,” I admitted sheepishly.

“We’d already buried what we were. I’d already hurt you enough and I didn’t want to give you a reason to stay if that’s not what you wanted. You were your best self, back home. And if we’re being honest, this affects me more than it does you. It’s happening to my body. It’s my choice to keep it. If you didn’t want involvement, this seemed like the kindest option. But I figured…at least you’d know.”

“Jaq, being an absent father isn’t a kind option to put me in, and I certainly wouldn’t have wanted to read that when I was all the way back in Auckland, I would’ve never been able to rest. All I would’ve been thinking about is what you’re going through. If I deserted you and if you resented me for it, and that’s just not the type of man I am. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t want this. I hate that my entire life has been about preparing for marriage and children. But from my position, it always felt like our biggest problem was that it never seemed like something you wanted,” he finished.

“Graham. I can't say for sure that I planned out my life by the margin, and I definitely didn't do this on purpose to trap you⁠—”

“Jaq, Jesus, why would you even say that?”

“Our conversation in New Zealand got a little heated. I was just trying not to boomerang my feelings around just because I changed my mind on some things.”

“Fair enough,” Graham nodded. “But I’m going to talk now, and I don’t want you to interrupt me. Please, just listen,” he asserted. “From the moment we met, I knew I was going to fall in love with you. Even though you told me not to. Even when I tried to keep my feelings in check. With all the conditioning, with all my personal experiences, I wasn’t nurtured, or trained to want casual and that was my fault for thinking I could. So, when I showed up for you at your launch party, that was something small for me, because I was always going to show up for you. And I was hoping the one time when I needed you, that you’d show up for me,” as I nodded in uncomfortable acknowledgement.

“So when you…” he hesitated, taking a deep breath to prepare for what was next. “I felt abandoned in New Zealand. But having time to process, I’m glad I went through it by myself. I was angry, and sad, conflicted and I had so little time to prepare for what was coming. I was trying to be strong, but a part of me wanted someone to lean on, but I had my family for that. People who knew my dad. People who wouldn’t have had to put in all this extra work helping me through something they weren’t going through. And you were already dealing with the insecurity of not feeling fully integrated. Which was probably my fault, because I was trying to cling so hard to you, because I was about to lose someone important to me, and I didn’t think I could afford to lose someone else, that soon. So, I wasn’t looking at your concerns at full value, because I just wanted you to fit, because a really big part of me, I was about to say goodbye to, forever.”

“And it’s a choice I made that I’ll never forgive myself for.”

“But I forgive you, Jaq. You had very real fears about the future we could give each other. And I was…too hopeful that we could figure it out. Whatever that looked like. I admit, at first, I felt lost. I figured you moved on, and with that, there was a mix of resentment, confusion, frustration. So, when I saw you out. I don’t know. I thought I was just getting over you, only to learn it was furthest from the truth. But you looked…happy. And I felt like, I was keeping you from that. Because I wasn’t sure I could make you happy. Or if you even wanted me to. Things that we both wanted from our futures didn’t align. So, when I read your letter, there was this instant regret. Like getting you pregnant was something I was leaving you with. Something you didn’t want.”

“Graham, listen. It’s okay to feel upset or resentful of me. But I’ve been your age. All the things people have ever made me feel, felt like a distant memory. There’s genuinely some I can’t believe I was ever mad at, because only I had the power to let them make me feel that way, so whatever you were feeling, you’d feel them, and then realize, maybe she was right. I want things she’s not sure she can give me, so I’m glad she loved me enough to let me seek them. But you have tools I didn’t have. Even with two seemingly amazing parents, your ability to rationalize things and make sense of your emotions in such a short amount of time is something I envy. But I learned so much from you.

Like how to communicate better. Share my emotions more, both high strung and rational. I never properly dealt with my grief in the past, because I wasn’t sure I was allowed to, given I felt somewhat responsible for it. Of all the people I’ve cared about, you’re the only one who wanted what was best for me, so please believe when I tell you, you’re the last person I’d assume was trying to trap me or leave me with a memento just to get back at me. My hormones will probably change me, and I don’t expect to come out the same person I was after a child. But I’m not ashamed to admit I blew it with you, and I admit I’d rather have a part of you, than nothing at all. Half of you and half of me is going to create something great. With your brain. Both our good looks…my geriatric rizz,”

“Come on, Jaq. This isn't funny. Stop making me laugh,” he spat, in response to my snicker, trying to hold in his smile.

“I’m only saying, that I can handle it on my own. I have the means. I have the support. I have the love to give. I don’t want to hold you back if you’re meant for something great⁠—”

“Jaq, what are you even saying? This is the great I’m meant for. There was never a doubt in my mind I was going to leave after learning that. Yes, I love being in New Zealand, but where I feel most at home, has only ever been when I’m with you. That’s all I’ve ever tried to show you since you became my girlfriend. But you were sooooo resistant⁠—”

“Graham, I was resistant because it's selfish,” I interrupted. “I was raised to be a full human being. Not preparing to become a wife or a mom. And those roles are held by amazing women. Probably stronger women than me. I just never saw it for myself. Hell, I wasn’t even sure I saw being a news anchor or an author for myself. And I don't know what I want. But whatever it is…I just want it to be with you.” His brown eyes studied me quietly, not knowing what to say.

“Okay,” he nodded, taking in the full extent of my words.