Page 44 of The Governess’s Carnal Temptation

He groaned and dropped his head against her forehead, his breath so fast she knew he was losing control.

“More,” he moaned into her ear; his voice low, commanding; it sent a shockwave over her body. She rubbed her hand along his length, wishing she could undo his pantaloons and slip her hand inside so she might feel all of him. Instead, they pressed their bodies against one another as if they never wished to be parted again, and when his lips found hers once more, she allowed her tongue to explore his mouth, tasting the salt with an intensity that jolted her upright.

“Let us go inside,” he whispered. “To my chamber.”

She drew back slightly and smiled at him because it was exactly what she desired. Lydia wished she could undress and tumble between the sheets with him as if they were still young.

Her lips parted as she prepared to respond, but then something terrible happened. She saw herself in his eyes again, but this time she looked beyond her reflection, and the shape of a tall, slender woman with dancer's grace appeared.

She could hear the woman's laughter and see her bright smile, as well as Nicholas' delight.

As soon as she remembered Lady Evelyn, the lust that had gripped her vanished. She stepped back, arms down, one hand raised to stop him.

“We cannot do this. You are to marry another.” She directed her words toward his torso, unable to look at him. She heard him suck in a gulp of air, and his arms fell from her body. Lydia stood, fighting to control her breathing as the afternoon’s coolness nipped at her again.

“I do not understand,” he said breathlessly, still caught up in their passion.

“Lady Evelyn,” Lydia forced herself to reply, the name weighing on her tongue like lead. “The woman you danced with. You were with her all night long. It was quite clear you were involved.”

“I do not love her,” he burst out rather bluntly. “I never could. She is a means to an end.”

Lydia raised her eyes, shocked by his words. “Like Louisa was?”

Pain flashed across his face, but he nodded.

“Yes, but I… I aimed to do things differently this time. Lady Evelyn needs me as much as I need her.”

The words were worse than the bee stings had been. He needed her. Just like he’d told Lydia she was needed and wanted moments ago.

“I see.” She wrapped her arms closer around herself and looked down at the grass, shaking her head as the full scope of her foolishness impressed itself upon her.

“Lydia, please,” he took hold of her wrists, but she shook him off and walked backward away from him. “I know I should have told you about Evelyn, and I know I must seem awful to you. That is because you do not understand. Allow me to explain.”

She sucked in air through her nose and shook her head.

“You may as well,” she said, dejected.

“Before you arrived, I had a plan for my future. For Charlotte’s. I didn’t know I’d see you again. Had I known that, I’d never have sought out Lady Evelyn’s attentions. I do not desire them, and I would have been quite happy not to entertain her at all if it wasn’t for one reason. I had to. You see, it is for Charlotte, only Charlotte. It is still as I told you. I was never accepted by society. I’m looked down upon as the one of lesser birth, a half commoner, raised among the working class.” He shook his head and ran one hand through his hair. “Do you not understand?”

Lydia clenched her jaw but made no reply.

“Charlotte needs to make a good match. She might be the daughter of a wealthy duke, but she is burdened with my undesirable pedigree. She has no hope of marrying someone of her standing.”

Lydia bit her bottom lip and looked up. She saw his conflict plainly, and yet, she also understood his meaning.

“Surely there will be a great many men looking to wed a duke’s daughter no matter her father’s background,” she argued, but it was a meek statement because she knew this was not so. The world they lived in cared very much about one’s past, even if one was not responsible for it.

“They might have tolerated it were I not such a drunkard. Had I not already ruined one good match. I am the laughingstock of the ton, Lydia.” The words came out rapidly and harshly, tinged with years of resentment and suppressed anger. “I didn’t want you to know this, but it is true. I am not respected or well-regarded. I am an embarrassment to Charlotte and a hindrance to her future. Lady Evelyn is my one chance to finally elevate myself – for Charlotte’s sake.”

“Are you certain this is for Charlotte?” Lydia challenged him as her embarrassment at their indiscretion turned into fury. “You always longed to rise in society, to be the swell of the first stare. Naturally, you’d want the diamond of the first water to match.”

“Perhaps in the past, but not anymore. I have made so many mistakes, but the only thing I am not willing to fail at is ensuring Charlotte’s future. That is all Lady Evelyn is to me. And I am her ticket to a dukedom. That is all.”

“And where does that leave us?” Lydia looked at him, her heated passion replaced by the cold reality before her.

“I need you. I always have. I didn’t know how much until you arrived here. I apologize for my forwardness earlier. I shouldn’t have allowed things to get out of hand. Now I am conflicted. I… I do not want to marry Lady Evelyn. Yet, I do not see another way. I… I want a happy family with a woman I love…” he said quietly, not answering her question.

Lydia's gaze was drawn to the lake, where two swans swam side by side. She’d known all along this was a mistake. They were worlds apart, quite literally. He didn't fit into hers, and she didn't fit into his. She'd been a fool to let herself be drawn into his embrace. She'd already given herself to him and allowed him to break her heart. And she’d almost done it again. While he pretended to be conflicted, it was clear that his mind knew what he needed to do, even if his heart did not. Or did his heart also know? Did it matter? They could never be.