Page 45 of The Governess’s Carnal Temptation

She cast a glance at the house. She couldn't see Charlotte's chamber or the classroom from here, but she knew she was in one of them. Her duty was to her, not to Nicholas. It occurred to her that the same was true for him. They were once lovers who dreamed of a future together, but their goals were no longer aligned. She needed to work to support her ailing father and sister, and he needed to look after his child.

Without looking at him, she cleared her throat. “You say you are conflicted. You want to be with me, but you must be with Lady Evelyn. You cannot have both. Unless you think you can convince me to be…”

“Never!” He exclaimed and raised his hands. “I’d never put you in such a position, Lydia. Never. I value you and respect you too much than to consider you’d ever agree to some sordid arrangement such as this.”

She scoffed. “I am pleased to hear you’ve retained your morality. Alas, that leaves us with only one possibility. You must marry. Indeed, you should be with her. She can give you what Charlotte needs; I cannot. I can give her an education but my abilities to aid her end there. You need to do what is right. But please, do not approach me again. Do not tell me you miss me, or I will have to leave.”

She finally forced herself to look at him because she needed him to understand.

“Perhaps we could…”

She raised a hand. “No. I will not give you carte blanche, nor anything else. I am not your shoulder to cry on. Please, do not impress your will on me further. I must go. I have lingered too long. Marry the woman who can give you what you and Charlotte need, for I cannot.”

She did not give him a chance to respond, instead hurried away, leaving him and the possibility of reconciliation, in whatever form, behind.

CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR

“And wasn’t Lady Spencer delightful? I could hardly believe she has the voice of an angel, could you?” Lady Evelyn prattled, a glass of wine in hand. Nicholas smiled at her, but he knew his smile did not light his eyes. He’d already listened to Lady Evelyn chatter for three courses, and now that they’d reached the cheese course, he was growing rather tired of hearing her voice.

Two weeks had passed since his fateful encounter with Lydia, and he’d thought of little else. She’d ignored him as much as possible, taking her meals alone or with Charlotte and avoiding him at all times. At first, he’d tried to apologize, to explain, but he saw the pain his determination caused her, so he’d let her be.

He hated the thought of her struggling alone, without so much the support of her sister and father. Did they know what he’d done to her, he wondered? She hadn’t shared much about her family since her arrival, although he’d gathered from Mrs. Funny that her father was still unwell. Over the past week, he’d noticed an influx of outgoing letters and had to assume she was telling Caroline all about him.

“Nicholas?” Lady Evelyn called on him, and he blinked, not used to hearing her use his first name. It had been a recent development, this familiarity. Indeed, after the ball, he’d found Lady Evelyn had become more forceful in moving forward their courtship.

She’d encouraged him to attend dinners with local lords, and they’d traveled into London once for an evening at the opera, followed by a breakfast with one of the high-ranking members of the House of Lords. There was no denying that his standing in society was quickly rising the more he was seen with Lady Evelyn, but at what cost?

He forced a smile and turned his attention to her.

“Yes, Lady Evelyn?”

“I asked if you did not find Lady Spencer delightful. Do you think we ought to get Charlotte a music teacher? It befits a young lady to not only know instruments but also sing. Everyone was so enchanted with Lady Spencer.”

She pursed her lips and looked at him with her head dipped to the side. Her yellow gown did not suit her coloring and made her look harsher than usual.

“I can ask Miss Haddington if she can incorporate more music in Charlotte’s education,” he offered, but Lady Evelyn’s eyes narrowed and grew darker.

“Perhaps someone other than Miss Haddington,” she replied clipped. “Someone with more experience with high-born pupils might be better than someone who cannot possibly relate.”

He frowned and steepled his fingers. “Her sister, Miss Caroline Haddington, is an accomplished harp player and has played at dinner parties alongside Miss Haddington.” He was well aware he sounded defensive of Lydia, and given Lady Evelyn’s steely expression, she did not hold Lydia in as high regard as he.

Even now, when they were further apart than ever, he wished they could be as close as they once were. However, that was unlikely to happen now. After the way he'd behaved, he was relieved Lydia hadn't already packed up and left.

Nicholas knew she was closer to Charlotte than he'd ever anticipated, and she'd stayed because of it. Not for him. Surprisingly, he didn't regret telling her what was on his mind. It felt good to confide in her his darkest thoughts. He hadn't hesitated to do so once he started talking because he felt at ease with her. Lydia had seen the worst of him, and not for the first time, and she had stayed. She’d understood.

He raised his eyes to Lady Evelyn. Unfortunately, the same could not be said for her; he was certain of this. She'd made it clear that she didn't want to talk about his past, his humble beginnings. He'd mentioned his mother's life and even offered to show her the modest home they'd shared, but Lady Evelyn wasn't interested in venturing outside of Mayfair.

Lydia, on the other hand, had walked with him to his old house several times. They'd sat in the park across from the small wooden structure, and he'd mentioned his mother. Sometimes, he’d cried in his grief. Lydia never judged him. Instead, she sat beside him, holding his hand and quietly listening.

He couldn’t picture Lady Evelyn ever doing anything similar. Alas, to keep the peace, he nodded and picked up a piece of cheddar. “Let me think about it. Perhaps a music teacher in addition to Miss Haddington’s classes will be useful.”

Her lips parted, but she did not say anything further, weighing the situation carefully. Instead, she dipped her head and snatched a piece of cheese for herself. She nibbled the delicacy but let out a sigh.

“I am pleased we agree. That is what makes a good match. Compromise.”

“Indeed,” he agreed but found his thoughts drifting to Lydia again. He wished she was with him to indulge in the fine French and English cheeses. They’d often dreamed of the lovely foods they might eat together while sitting under the stars. He suppressed a mournful sigh and made himself listen to Lady Evelyn instead. But, alas, he could not concentrate. He’d been sticking to orgeat lemonade instead of wine, but he couldn’t deny that he longed for it. Not just now but every time he was around this beautiful but vain woman.

To his relief, she finished taking a tiny bite out of each cheese on her plate and then folded her napkin. “Nicholas, I am fatigued. I’ve not had much sleep this week. I trust you will not mind if I depart early? I know we were to take the air.”