Page 77 of Queen of Ruin

“I didn’t… have anyone, did I? Before?”

“Not that you told me.” His eyes narrow slightly. “Are you worried you’ll remember a secret lover somewhere and it’ll force you into an impossible choice?”

“No,” I answer immediately, taking myself by surprise. “I know how I feel about Diego. That’s not any kind of issue, y’know? I just… I care about him. A lot. And I’m scared when I remember, something in me will change and he will see it and he’ll…” My throat closes briefly and I shake my head. “Sorry.”

“No, please.” Ruslan moves closer. “I won’t lie to you. We weren’t exactly close before this, and I half thought you wanted to be Ivy’s maid of honor so you could get a front-row seat to my fucking up. But I want to help you if I can.”

My lips twitch into a slight smile. “I’m a little glad Ivy came from outside. The more I’ve learned, the more I’ve been worrying that Diego wouldn’t be allowed to stay.”

“Zira is a civilian as well. I don’t know about allowed but we all sort of decided that the world we live in is as cold and as dangerous as it can be, so why deny ourselves something that makes us happy, y’know?”

“As much as I want that to be true… I don’t know how he feels about it.”

“Then ask him.” Ruslan shrugs one shoulder. “It’s the easiest way to understand how he feels and calm what you fear. Sure, your fears might be right, but knowing for sure lets you create a path through them.”

My eyes narrow. “And to be clear, you would not be telling me all this if I remembered everything?”

“Oh, no.” Ruslan laughs. “I’d be too scared of you stabbing me.”

“Interesting. Ivy said I was… guarded.”

“Mmhmm.” Ruslan glances down at his leg and brushes away invisible lint on his thigh. “I believe the death of your father was harder on you than you ever admitted. And then, to me, it looked like you threw yourself so hard into work that you never got a chance to do or feel anything else. Losing your memory and meeting Diego might be the best things that’ve happened to you.”

“That’s kind of sad,” I murmur. “How cold was I that it took something like this for me to connect with someone?”

“Not cold,” Ruslan remarks immediately. “Guarded. Protective. You had your impenetrable boundaries for a reason, but from how I’ve seen you since you came back, I can honestly say I think happiness exists in you now.”

“Agreed,” comes Raven’s muffled voice from under the table.

I laugh softly. “I was close with Bradley, wasn’t I?”

Ruslan nods and he briefly looks a little pained. “When you vanished, he went out for three days straight looking for you. You and he have been here the longest, and from what I understand, you’re his best friend.”

“Fuck,” I murmur. “I’m being haunted and at the same time, I’m doing the haunting.”

“But you’re remembering.” He leans forward and gently squeezes my shoulder. “That’s important.”

He’s right. And I’ve spent far too long sitting here talking instead of finding Diego. “Thanks, Ruslan. I don’t know why we weren’t close before, but I appreciate it a lot.”

“Me too.”

With a final smile, I duck out of the room and head back down the hallway to a little curl of disappointment in my gut that Diego isn’t there waiting. It’s obscene to expect him to wait exactly where I saw him last, but I was hopeful, anyway. Picking up the pace, I hurry to my bedroom.

Ruslan’s right. I need to talk to Diego. Only he can soothe these building worries and if they turn out to be true, then we can only solve them together.

Only, Diego isn’t in my room.

Or the kitchen, or the gym. He’s not in the lounge or on the roof, and by the time I even check Cassian’s meditation room, I’m worried.

“Bradley?!” I charge into the office where Bradley and Cassian are bent over the desk, deep in conversation, but Bradley looks up the moment I enter.

“Val?”

“I can’t find Diego! I’ve looked everywhere and I can’t find him in any of the rooms. Is there somewhere I don’t know about? Did you get rid of him?!”

“Val!” Bradley approaches me and grasps both my shoulders. “Deep breath. He can’t have gone far.”

Behind him, Cassian’s already on the phone.