Page 22 of Knot Broken

Wish I could say yes, but some of us have to work today.

What time do you get off?

His response came almost immediately after mine.

Doesn’t that depend on you? I asked, grinning at my screen.

It would be an honour and privilege to get you off, he said. Just name a place and a time.

My thumbs went to tap out a reply, but something stopped me. It was that feeling of lightness in my chest. Cool your jets, I told myself. This is just a situationship. This man has a mate out there somewhere and I was trying very hard not to be jealous of that woman. Before I could type out a response, a new message came through.

Tex is texting you, isn’t he? I blinked, then looked at the contact. Bloody hell, I told him to wait a day or two. Sorry, this is Ethan. My smile broadened into a grin. Look, don’t hold this shit against him, OK? He has absolutely no chill.

It’s actually nice that’s he’s not playing games, I replied.

Oh, so you like a guy who comes on strong? This was followed by a devil face emoji. Well, what’re you up to tonight? Got any other fantasies you want to fulfil?

That had me freezing to the spot. I did, but the same block that rose every time I spoke to Brendan about it reappeared. Keep it all to yourself, my conditioning demanded. If you didn’t ask for what you wanted, no one could disappoint you.

Another message stream appeared on my screen. Ethan and Tex had been added to it, along with another number that wasn’t a contact.

We’ve got a new item to add to the calendar, Ethan wrote. This evening we’re making Nadia’s dreams come true.

Better block out the whole afternoon and tonight, Tex added.

Nadia could be quite sore after yesterday. That had to be Grey. Have you checked in with her, made sure she’s actually up for more?

Dots appeared instantly, but I figured I was the person best equipped to answer.

I’m fine, I replied. A little tender, but yeah… My heart rate started to pick up, but before I could psych myself out, I finished the text. I’m up for more if you are.

Nadia? I could almost imagine Grey’s expression. A curious mix of frustration and shock. Shit, I thought this was our house group chat.

Was he cursing the others out right now? I was willing to bet he was.

So whaddya think, omega? Ethan asked. Wanna try something a little wild?

That was the moment when my smile faded. The smell of my coffee, the cool air of my kitchen came flooding in. With it came Brendan’s advice.

“People aren’t mind readers. They just aren’t, Nadia, so if you don’t tell people what you do and don’t want, they’ll assume everything’s all good.”

Sucking in a breath, then letting it out slowly, I sent my reply.

Experimenting hasn’t worked well for me in the past. I’d try something and it wouldn’t feel right, but he’d be too worked up to stop. I…

My fingers typed that letter, moving above the screen, trying to work out what to say next without sounding like a total buzzkill, then I shook my head. Fuck it, we weren’t anything to each other than a bit of fun, so who cared if they were put off by this?

I think I’m too vanilla for anything exotic. Sorry.

My eyes closed as I sent that last word, then I shook my head. I had nothing to be sorry for. If I wasn’t down for kink, that was perfectly valid. My therapist’s words made perfect sense, but it was like my mind was still struggling to integrate them.

Never be sorry. That was Grey. No one in this house will ever pressure you to do anything you don’t want.

For once, his forbidding manner helped me relax rather than tense up. I set my phone down, moving around the kitchen to put some milk and sugar in my coffee before taking a sip.

What if there was absolutely no pressure? Ethan asked. If the moment you felt you weren’t into something, everything stopped?

What he described was so far from my lived experience, at first I didn’t know how to reply.