Page 137 of To All the Men I’ve Killed Before

As soon as I walked in I could smell the steak fat and my stomach contents tried to yeet themself out of my body. I’m trying not to think about what Tor said. But it’s there, niggling away right at the back of my mind where I keep all the things I don’t want to think about. Locked away in a box. For now.

‘That’s okay,’ I say. ‘I was craving a bowl of mashed potatoes and a side salad anyway.’

She laughs.

‘Anyway, I’ll pay you back by taking you to the most vegan place that ever veganed when we’re back in London.’

Antoinette is suddenly very focused on the menu. She doesn’t say a word. Which, I’ve learned, is very not like my sister.

Something’s wrong.

‘Antoinette?’ I say. ‘What is it?’

‘Hmm?’ she says, still not looking at me. Her eyes are intently looking at the menu.

I reach over and grab it out of her hands. ‘What’s going on?’

‘I don’t know what you mean,’ she says.

‘Don’t give me that, Antoinette,’ I say. ‘You clammed up the minute I mentioned London.’

Her cheeks flush. ‘Okay,’ she says. ‘I was going to wait for the food to get here, but seeing as you’re so persistent with your interrogation.’ She picks up a napkin and starts ripping it to shreds. I want to take that out of her hands as well.

‘Spill already,’ I say, my patience getting thinner by the second.

‘I’m not coming back,’ she says. ‘To London.’

I stare at her. ‘What?’

‘I’m not coming back to London.’

‘I heard what you said, Antoinette. I meant “what” like what are you doing? And why not?’

She shrugs. ‘There’s nothing for me there. Not really.’

‘I’m there,’ I say. ‘And there are loads of bad men there. I don’t want to work alone anymore.’

‘You’ll be fine,’ she says. ‘And anyway, you’ve got Charlie. You’ve got Maisie and Tor. You’ve got Carmella and Gabriel. I don’t have any of that. My mother barely acknowledges my existence. She never has. That’s not going to change.’

‘What about me?’

‘You don’t want me hanging around. You’ve got a whole life you’ve been wanting to get back to. I’m not part of that.’

‘Of course you are!’ I say. ‘You’re my sister. And we’ve only just found each other.’ I reach across the table for her hand. She lets me take it, but it’s limp.

She shakes her head. ‘I just don’t want to go back, Kits.’

‘What are you going to do then?’

She shrugs. ‘I’ve got enough money to do anything I want. Agnes and I are going to travel for a bit. And then, I don’t know, come back here. I like it here. It suits me.’

I look at her over the table.

Her eyes are shining, she looks tanned, relaxed, happy.

It really does suit her.

I just hadn’t noticed before.