Page 138 of To All the Men I’ve Killed Before

As usual I’ve been too busy thinking about myself.

‘What about us?’ I say. ‘What about, you know, business.’

She gives me a little smile. ‘Well, I never said I was giving that up. Just think of it as more of an international enterprise now.’

‘Wow,’ I say. ‘Killers Without Borders. You’ve made up your mind, haven’t you?’

She smiles but her eyes soften. ‘You don’t need me,’ she says. ‘You never have. And, you know, I want to see where things go with Agnes. I really like her.’

‘You’ve just met her,’ I say and Antoinette gives me a slightly admonishing look that makes me feel bad and childish. I realise then how much she’s grown in the few weeks we’ve been out here. ‘You’ve only just met me too,’ I say, my voice quieter now. ‘You know, properly.’

She squeezes my hand back now. ‘I’m not leaving you, Kits,’ she says. ‘You’ll still see me all the time. I promise. I just need to choose something for me.’

‘I get it,’ I say eventually. ‘But that doesn’t mean I like it. I’ve only just found you. I’m not ready to let you go.’

‘You’re not letting me go,’ she says. ‘Because I’ll still be your sister. Nothing will change that.’ She lets go of my hand and pours herself some water. I watch as she swallows it, wishing there was something I could say to her that would make her change her mind. I need her in London with me. Not just for the killing but for other things too. I touch my hand lightly to my stomach.

Maybe.

I open my mouth to tell her, but then I close it again.

No.

She’s made her choice.

I can’t make this about me.

It’s not fair.

Antoinette puts her glass back down on the table and raises her eyes to meet mine. There’s a small, uncertain smile on her lips. ‘So, we’re good then?’

I smile back. ‘We’re good.’

She laughs, sits back in her chair, the moment too charged for her comfort zone. ‘Anyway,’ she says. ‘It’s not goodbye. Not really. It’s just see you later.’

‘Yes.’ I nod as the waiter comes over to take our orders. Even though I have no appetite now.

‘Come on,’ Antoinette says to me. ‘Don’t take too long. You’ve got a flight to catch.’

My fingers flutter to my stomach again.

There are a few things I need to do today.

74

Tom Bradley International Terminal, LAX, Los Angeles

I’ve left Charlie in the lounge, claiming that I need to do some last-minute retail therapy to decompress. He offered to come with me but I told him that this is something I need to do alone. Which isn’t a lie. I just need to find a shop selling what I need.

We said goodbye to Antoinette and Agnes with lots of hugs and promises to be back to visit soon.

‘Look after her,’ I said to Agnes as the Uber pulled away.

‘She’s in good hands,’ Agnes had replied and I believe her.

I hate goodbyes so I was almost grateful that I had something much bigger on my mind when I gave my sister a final hug.

Now I just need to find out, one way or another.