Page 87 of To All the Men I’ve Killed Before

‘How are you?’ I say, backing away and sitting on the bottom step.

Aidan gives me a look that answers the question. His beard is getting bigger, but unevenly. There’s a yellowing bruise on the left side of his face from where I knocked him out. A crust has formed in the corners of his mouth. I can smell his breath from here.

‘Couldn’t sleep?’ he asks. The words come out in a croak.

‘Well, it’s obvious your education hasn’t been wasted.’

He squints at me a little, his eyes still adjusting to the light from the single naked bulb. ‘You don’t look great, Kitty,’ he says.

‘You’re not going to endear yourself to me with comments like that.’

He thinks about this for a moment. ‘I’m not going to lie to you. I don’t lie to people I work with.’

‘I think Tor might disagree with that,’ I say. This was a bad idea. What was I thinking? I stand up and get ready to leave but Aidan calls out to me.

‘Wait,’ he says. ‘You’ve been crying.’

I turn back around and stare at him. ‘I haven’t,’ I say.

He frowns slightly. ‘The honesty thing has to work both ways, Kitty. Why have you come to talk to me? Your hostage?’

I sit back down on my step.

‘What’s happened? Is it your sister? Have you found her?’

I stare at him. ‘How do you know about that?’

He tilts his head and stares back at me. ‘This place isn’t soundproof.’

I look at my hands clasped together in my lap and nod. ‘Yes,’ I say. ‘She’s still missing. And I made the mistake of going online. I think, I know, she’s been taken by someone. Someone who wants to hurt her.’

The crease between his eyebrows deepens. ‘You must be very worried.’

‘I am.’

‘And you can’t call the police because …’ He does a funny little jig with his head indicating himself, his predicament.

‘Obviously not,’ I say.

‘So you think she’s been taken? By someone who wants to hurt her. That must feel bad?’

‘It does,’ I admit. ‘Because it’s my fault.’

He nods. ‘It’s very common to blame oneself when something bad happens to someone we care about.’ He frowns at me for a moment, like he’s trying to work something about me out. ‘I think it’s a pattern with you.’

‘Excuse me?’

‘You blamed yourself for Tor as well, didn’t you? After the attack. You felt like it was your fault because you didn’t protect her.’

I stare at him, my mouth open. ‘That was my fault too. I should’ve protected her from you. I knew you were bad news. I felt it. And I ignored that feeling. I’ll never forgive myself for that.’

He spends a moment or two just looking at me, still assessing me.

‘You have a saviour complex, Kitty,’ he says finally. ‘Has anyone said that to you before?’

I shrug.

‘You have to realise that you’re not responsible for every woman. How can you be when there’s only one of you? How can you expect to save them all?’