Page 88 of To All the Men I’ve Killed Before

‘I don’t,’ I say. ‘But I should be able to help those close to me. The women I love.’

He stares at me again, like he’s still figuring me out. ‘This is because of what happened to your mother, what you saw when you were young.’

Aidan knows a bit about my childhood. When I was checking him out on Tor’s behalf I pretended to be a patient. I told him about how my father had been violent towards my mother for most of my childhood. And how I blamed myself for never stepping in to help her. I should’ve made up a cover story. I should’ve known that would come back to bite me.

‘That need to protect, Kitty, it comes from fear. Not from strength. You’re scared that if you lose control, even for one minute, everything will fall apart. You’re scared that it will mean you’ve failed.’

He watches my face in silence for a moment or two.

Is he right?

‘We’re all scared though, aren’t we?’ I say. ‘Of losing something.’

‘But you haven’t failed, Kitty. You’ve attached yourself to a responsibility that was never yours to carry. You’ve made it your whole existence.’

‘No,’ I say. ‘You’re wrong. I was supposed to protect them. These are the women who mean more to me than anything. My mother, my best friend, my sister. I’ve let them all down.’

Aidan tilts his head. ‘That’s just not true. You were a child. Then you were a friend. And then you were a sister. You’re human. You’re not a shield.’

I don’t say anything. I just continue looking at my hands.

‘Kitty, you inherited guilt. Guilt that doesn’t belong to you. And you’ve built your entire personality around it.’ He pauses for a moment, still looking at me, still trying to get me to make eye contact with him. ‘Kitty, you’re not trying to save people because you care or because you’re selfless or because you’ve got this warped idea that it’s your calling. You’re trying to save them because you’re scared of what it says about you if you don’t.’

Is he right?

Am I?

He can’t be right.

‘You’re wrong,’ I say, finally lifting my head and looking him in the eyes. ‘I do this because I care. Because I see justice screwing women over again and again. Because men go around saying things like ‘your body my choice’. Because they think they’re entitled to women’s bodies. Because the law lets them do that. Because patriarchy lets them do that. Because everywhere, all over the world, men hurt women without consequence. They get away with it. Over and over.’

He smiles sadly at me. It’s patronising. And it makes the hot rage in my chest begin to bubble and spit. ‘You’re not a god, Kitty. If Antoinette’s in trouble, it’s because bad stuff happens in this city. In this world. Stop trying to take responsibility for the universe. It’s not a battle you can ever win.’

‘You’re wrong,’ I say. ‘And I’ve heard enough from you.’

I slap some fresh duct tape over his mouth.

‘You’re wrong,’ I say again before flicking the light off and leaving him alone in the darkness.

49

Agnes and Lauren’s guesthouse, West Hollywood, Los Angeles

‘We’re going to have to call the police,’ Agnes says. We’re sitting at the kitchen table the next morning, drinking the rose and hibiscus tea that Antoinette liked so much, as if it could somehow help in manifesting her back. I’ve told Agnes about the messages I found on Instagram.

Neither of us knows what our next move should be.

Well, Agnes does, but it’s not one I can go along with.

‘I know you don’t want to, Kitty, but there’s really nothing else we can do. We don’t know where she is and all we have to go on is a stupid smashed phone with blood on it. The police will be able to go through Antoinette’s tech with a fine-tooth comb. They’ll be able to trace things like IP addresses. They’ll help us. Even if they don’t think there’s really a killer out there, Antoinette is still missing. That’s just a fact.’

I sigh. I know she’s right. But the police.

I can’t call the police.

I just can’t.

It’s not just the corpse and the chatty hostage in the wine cellar, it’s everything. I can’t have them raking over our lives. Once they find a thread and start pulling, who knows where it will end.