Page 28 of The Seeker

“I really am sorry. And I promise, I will fix this. Just follow Friar’s plan, and we can talk about everything else after.” His fingers dug into my shoulder, not enough to cause pain, but enough for me to know he was fighting the urge to tuck me into his chest as he turned me around to face him.

I mulled over his words. “I wish you all would have consulted me before planning something I was to be a part of.” I sighed. “You all are the same, and I’m just a . . . piece to be used. I⁠—”

“Don’t say that, Runa.” Otho’s fingers gripped my chin, locking my eyes with his. “You are more important to me than anything else in the Heimland. You must understand⁠—”

I jolted awake, gasping for breath.

Reality came back in pieces, I was in a dark room, in Ralheim—No, Malheim. There was something on my head—a wet cloth. I’d had a headache. And there was an aching in my gut, which had me climbing out of bed and sprinting into the bathing chamber.

It wasn’t until I returned to bed that I noticed the difference.

Leif wasn’t in bed.

And the glass of wine was still full.

CHAPTER 11

Idon’t know what possessed me to search the palace grounds for a man I could barely stand, in the middle of the night, but I did it anyway. It was fairly easy to sneak past the guard at our door, but then I was standing in the stone hallway, unsure of which way he would have headed.

I’ve been here for a season, but I realized that I haven’t taken any of that time to know the man I was bonded to. It made sense, of course, that I wouldn’t be bowing at his feet and catering to his every need, but I should have at least known where he went when he left our bed in the middle of the night.

After several moments of contemplation, I hedged a guess and walked toward the door that led to the pond where we’d had a special moment during the dying season, when I’d first come to Malheim. The place he’d confessed to being during my attempted kidnapping.

Sure enough, he was there, his dark silhouette visible in the glow of the twin moons as he stood by the lake, his foot shuffling against the surface of the ground.

“Why aren’t you in bed?” I asked as I approached, watching as Leif jolted in surprise.

His head turned to me, sadness rolling off of him. He faced the water once more. “I’m sorry, Runa.”

My spine chilled at the words I was hearing for the second time that night, from a man I held complex and unexplainable feelings for. This time, though, I said nothing, waiting for him to elaborate on his own. I wrapped my arms around myself, even though I wasn’t cold.

“I think I made a mistake.” He clasped his hands behind his back, his chin trembling as he stared at the smaller of the two moons. “I never should have forced you to bind with me.”

A shock went through me, and I was rendered speechless. I sank down into the grass, needing something to ground myself before I said something I would regret.

He sat down next to me, careful to leave some space between us. “I think . . . I think you losing the pregnancy is my punishment. From Hel . . . for . . . for what I did.”

I listened, fighting to keep my mind on the present and not on something Otho accused me of on another plane.

“Runa . . . talk to me.”

I peered over at him, biting my lip as I fidgeted with the edge of my dress. I’d fallen asleep before changing into my nightgown. If Leif noticed, he didn’t point it out. I sighed. “I don’t really have anything to say, Leif.”

“Tell me you hate me, that you’re angry, that you accept my apology—anything,” he pleaded.

“Unfortunately . . .” I paused, taking a deep breath. “It’s too late for that, Leif. I was angry at you. I did hate you . . .” His eyebrows shot up in surprise. “For a time,” I amended. “Now . . . now I’ve just come to accept it.” It wasn’t a lie, not really, but it wasn’t the full truth either. Something in me still burned deeply, but with the potion, the fight I’d had with Dream Otho, and the reality that Leif and I would never have a future no matter what he said, meant there wasn’t more for me to say to him. Everything else in my heart was just for me. “I wish things had been different, Leif . . . that day in Ralheim. But they’re not. And now we have to live with the consequences. There is no going back. I will never love you, Leif . . . not like I once did. But I do still care for you in some regard, even as I beg my heart to stop.” I pinched the bridge of my nose, embarrassed by my confession.

He ran a hand through his blond hair, his lips twisting at the corner. “We aren’t weighted, are we?”

I shook my head still aghast he was just now realizing it. “No, Leif, we’re not.”

He nodded, his gaze focusing on something I couldn’t see over the lake. I rose from my sitting position, brushing off my dress.

I’d never been prepared for moments like these. Hel, my parents hadn’t even prepared me for dating. What did one say when the man who’d forced them into an arranged marriage apologized at last after keeping them like a captive for a season?

That despite everything, I felt shame for being the cause of his hurt, even though he’d done terrible things to me?

I didn’t know for certain, so I chose the easy route, leaving him there on the edge of the lake as I strode back to our room.