Page 104 of Holding Onto Love

“Stop it, Jasper. Just stop. Talk to me rationally. How on earth do you imagine we could marry? I’ve been your mistress.”

“That does not make it illegal.”

“It makes it wrong.”

“Wrong how?”

She shrugged, scowling with annoyance. “Wrong as in scandalous.”

“I think it should correct the scandal I should never have caused. I should have asked you to marry me then.” He put his hand tentatively on her arm, but she brushed it off.

“When? When we were strangers to one another? If you recall, we were in bed before I was even comfortable using your Christian name.”

“Then what, Vanessa?” Exasperated, Jasper rested his hands on his knees, making an effort not to reach for her again. “How could we have made this right? We belong together. You know we do. Everyone knows. How do we make this right?”

“I don’t think we can. Marrying now would not change what we were.”

“No. But it will change what we are. And what we can be. I can’t live without you.”

“That is a cliché. You can. You will. You’ll find—”

“Please don’t say I will find someone else.”

“You need an heir.”

“Crispin is my heir.”

“Crispin?” She might have laughed but his seriousness evidently unsettled her. She shook her head and murmured, expressionless, “He won’t stand for that.”

“There are some things Crispin cannot control.”

Vanessa rose and began pacing, as if too agitated to sit still.

“Marrying me will frustrate your political aspirations.”

This gave him hope. She was discussing it. Arguing, but not saying no. His pulse beat fast in his ears.

“I have none. None beyond voting my conscience. I’m not a leader.”

“You could be. Don’t you see? That is your gift. Your talent. People like and admire you. You have a responsibility.”

That was essentially the same argument he had thrown at Hazard. And Hazard rejected it. So could he. Britain would not miss one more blowhard Tory.

“Vanessa, I have a responsibility to you.”

“I am not your responsibility.”

“To myself then. I’m not willing to lose you.” He remembered what he had promised Crispin. “Unless you refuse me. If you don’t want me—”

“I want you, Jasper. Of course, I want you.” She spoke with a matter-of-factness that was somehow more dismissive than if she told him she did not. She retook her seat. “But I recognize that I can’t have everything that I want. And, earl or not, you can’t either.”

“But if we both want the same?”

She shook her head and then stared, glassy-eyed, down at the table. “Tell me what would happen if I said yes. Tell me what you foresee. If you’ve thought it through.”

She was giving him a chance. He took her hand.

“We’ll marry. I-I’ll get a license. Have the banns read. We’ll have a small service in Iversley. Like Reg and Georgiana.”