Page 117 of Holding Onto Love

“Vanessa, please, don’t fret now about others.”

“I know how important it is for you to have a son.”

“Do not put that burden on your heart. I have two brothers in line after me, both of whom are eminently capable of stepping into the role. And while Crispin may not oblige me with nephews, Reginald and Georgiana undoubtedly will.”

“Even so, I thought I should tell you.”

“Yes, but not, I hope, not because you thought it might change how I feel about marrying you. Or that I would blame you if God does not bless us with a family.”

“No. No, I didn’t think that.” She hadn’t really doubted him. Still, she’d wanted to hear the words. Needed to hear them.

He lowered her down and stroked her back.

“Will you tell me more? If it isn’t too private, too painful?”

“I hadn’t realized I was carrying. Not at first.” The words spilled out. “We were all so tired and hungry all the time, I didn’t even know the sickness I felt was from being with child. Lydia saw it first. I didn’t want to believe it. I was so frightened.”

“Were there women to help you?”

“There were. Babies came, Jasper, despite all our efforts. There were even a few children we took turns carting along. But most died. Oh, Jasper, they were such pitiable little creatures. I couldn’t bear to think of bringing a child into that. And yet, I loved that baby so, so much.”

Her voice broke. She could still remember how it felt, the baby’s quickening, the life beginning inside her.

Jasper held her tighter.

“And then, after months of stagnation and the most intense cold you can imagine, the war accelerated again. Only this time, we heard Napoleon was coming to Spain to take charge himself. Everyone was afraid.” She huffed a little. “If we’d had General Wellington to lead us, we’d have fared better.”

“Crispin says the same.”

“I can’t pretend to have followed the minds of the generals the way Crispin does. All I knew was that we were suddenly fleeing, desperate to find refuge, desperate to get out of Spain. The wives broke into smaller groups. We could not run en masse. Lydia and I were with five others, still miles from the rendezvous at Corunna.” Vanessa squeezed her eyes tight, trying to blot the scene from her vision, trying to hold back her tears. “The baby started coming. I couldn’t…”

She wept a long while, with Jasper holding her, smoothing her hair, whispering in a soothing tone. When she had no more tears to cry, she drew a ragged breath and finished.

“Lydia stayed with me. I told her to go on, but she wouldn’t. The baby was dead before it was born. I bled a great deal, and I was so tired. Dying would have been easier than…than standing and walking.”

“But you did.”

“Lydia made me. She buried my baby, then hauled me to my feet and forced me to march. She said it was better to die trying than to give up.”

“Thank God for Lydia.”

“And for Crispin. Lydia got me to Corunna, but she couldn’t have helped me get out of it. They couldn’t even evacuate all of the wounded. And with Henry gone, I had no standing at all.”

“It’s unfathomable.” Jasper shifted her onto the bench and sat up. He rubbed his hands over his face. “I’m sorry. Now I can’t help thinking about Crispin. No wonder he’s become so embittered.”

“Embittered? Crispin? But he’s so kind.”

“Kind? Crispin?” Jasper looked—not skeptical, rather just unconvinced.

Crispin had always treated her kindly; yet hadn’t he confessed to resentment and mean-spiritedness? What side of himself did he show to his brother?

Jasper wrapped an arm around her.

“Does he know? About your baby?” There was a faint note of hurt in his voice.

“No. Crispin didn’t know.” Once again, she said, “We were not close then.” Then she sniffed and said, “Well, but he’s Crispin. Who knows what he knows?”

“Did Henry? I understand he couldn’t stay with you. That isn’t what I’m implying. I just…I can’t imagine how tortured he must have felt.”