Page 44 of Holding Onto Love

So, when she awoke the morning after the dreadful night at the play—where she had been humiliated in front of his friends, by his friends, and then been chased from the theater by her ghosts—to find the bed beside her cold and empty, she did not doubt Lord Taverston. She would not allow herself to doubt him.

When long minutes turned to long hours, she had to tamp down dread. That I-am-left-alone dread. Jasper’s friend, that wonderful man Lord Haslet, would not permit Jasper to call Hilyer out over a confrontation that had not even taken place. Dear God, don’t let that confrontation ever take place.

She’d made herself rise, dress, send for breakfast, eat a few bites of dry toast. Then she’d given in to her fears and crawled back into bed. He found her there. Not sleeping. Just waiting. He made love to her so gently, so tenderly—in the bed with the pillows arranged just so—that after juddering through tension to release, she lashed out. She didn’t want his pity.

“Pity!” He stared at her, confused. “Vanessa, I can assure you this is not pity.”

“What then?” He had never treated her with such kid gloves before.

He blinked at her, then shook his head. “Not pity.”

He rose and went to his washstand to splash water on his head, then took up a wet cloth to rub over himself. Her eyes followed, hypnotized by the beauty of him. The long taut line from ankle to hip. The muscled thighs. The graceful curve of his buttock with the symmetrical hollows on either side. She liked to rest her hands there, to feel the working of him as he moved inside her. She’d learned to sense the moment when his control deserted him. When he gave over to his need. In those last few moments, she liked to imagine she was anchoring him.

He threw the cloth into the basin and came back to her, brows knotted.

“I think, protectiveness.”

It startled her. He’d been pondering all the while she had been ogling.

“Vanessa, I want to be your knight. I know that sounds patronizing, but I recognize it as a fault of mine rather than any perceived deficiency in you.”

“What on earth are you talking about?”

“I want to take care of you. I want to do battle for you.” He winced. “That must sound practically blasphemous.”

“It sounds terrifying.”

“Well, you needn’t be frightened. I’m not a violent man. I suppose I could be if there were a need, but I would not lower myself to violence against a decrepit stinking pot of flesh like Hilyer.”

She breathed a little more easily. She believed him.

“I’m more calculating,” he went on, sitting on the edge of the bed, absently pulling a blanket over his lap. “He will rue the day, Vanessa, but…”

“But what?”

“This won’t be easy for you. I don’t see any way through this but to proceed. And I know you can do it. I’ve seen you.”

“Jasper, you’ve lost me.” She shook her head. “What is it that I am supposed to do?”

“You can’t let them shame you. Firstly, we have to be seen in company together. I’m not parading you or flaunting you. I would never. But we cannot appear ashamed. You see that, don’t you?”

She nodded slowly. “It’s difficult. Much more so for me than for you.”

“Differently difficult. It hurts me to see you hurt.” He waited for her to grant him her understanding. Then he said, “But I was so proud of you last night. When those two idiots burst in on us, you cut Carleton the way a countess would have done.”

“I cannot imagine a countess ever having the need. One would think she would simply ignore.”

“Maybe.” He stood up again and picked up his shirt from where he had dropped it, to pull it on over his head. He cast about for his drawers, found them, and stepped into them. Pantaloons next. He was buttoning his fall by the time he had reasoned out his answer. “It would depend upon the slight. But ignoring Carleton when he was drooling on you would not have been as effective. You disregarded him. It was superb. It defused some of my fury. Even saying this now makes me understand I can’t truly go into battle for you. I have to go into battle with you.”

“Jasper, I’m willing.” She shook her head. “But I don’t know that I am able.”

“I’ll help you. Trust me. We will start with Carleton. You have no reason to believe this, but he’s not a terrible person. He can’t hold his drink. I’ve told him so before, but once he starts, he has no voice in his head telling him that it’s time to stop.”

“Do you?”

“Yes, of course.” He flushed. “I haven’t always listened to it, but I do know when I’ve had enough. I will give oath that Carleton has only a vague idea that he was insulting last night. And he has spent the day praying he was not too insulting.”

“Will you tell him that he crossed the line?”