Page 62 of Waiting for Love

Alice shrugged one shoulder awkwardly. “She mentioned that you favored him when you were young. And that you seem…I don’t know, happier now that he’s back from London.”

“What a gossip!” She tried to give a disbelieving huff, but it came out as more of a whine. Of course her brothers talked, and everything Reg knew, Georgiana would know. “She thinks I’m chasing after him?” Was it so inconceivable that Benjamin might be interested in her?

“Don’t be mad at me. I told Georgiana she was being silly. I told her I’ve seen you together frequently and there is no indication…” With a sigh, she added, “Maybe I should not have said ‘frequently.’”

No, she shouldn’t have. Especially since Olivia didn’t see Benjamin frequently enough!

“Benjamin and I are friends. That’s all.”

“Yes, that’s what I told her. But I wanted to be sure. If you need to talk—”

“We’re friends,” she said stubbornly, “just as you and Hazard are.”

Alice blinked. Then she turned her head and fidgeted. Olivia peered more closely. Alice’s cheeks turned faintly pink.

“Oh, Alice.” This was not good. “Hazard is…” What? “You do know that Hazard…”

“His interests lie elsewhere.” Alice twisted her hands in her lap and then stood. “Yes, I know that. I knew it even before Georgiana took it upon herself to explain the same thing. But that has no bearing. We enjoy one another’s company. Is that not allowed?”

“Of course it is.” She could imagine the whole conversation—Georgiana interrogating Alice about her interest in Hazard and Olivia’s interest in Benjamin. It was embarrassing. And worse, Olivia believed she and Alice were now lying to each other. And to Georgiana. “I am not scaring Benjamin back to Canada, so Georgiana can put that worry out of her head.”

“Well, it might help”—Alice lowered her voice further, apologetically—“if you were to show a little more enthusiasm for your coming-out.”

Tansy reentered the bedroom and stood quietly near the wall, pelisse and bonnet clasped in her hands. Good. Olivia felt even more desperate to escape.

Alice continued, “Reg is worried, you know. Worried you are still grieving your father. Clinging too much to Chaumbers. Worried that you are being pushed out into the world before you are ready. But your mother says—”

“Faith!” Embarrassment flooded her. “Have you all been conferencing about me behind my back?” This was worse than being mortified at fourteen! She was no longer a pitiable child.

Alice fluttered her hand. “Not about Benjamin. Georgiana asked that privately.”

She was thankful for that small favor, but still. “So Reg thinks I am too immature to debut?” How unfair. No one accused Crispin of immaturity for being so fond of the old Binnings cottage that no one else was allowed to touch it. And Jasper could have no concept of what it would feel like, being pushed out of his beloved home. “And my mother thinks what?”

Alice’s brow furrowed. “Your mother says you’ll be fine. But Jasper is worried that you’re afraid of facing the ton. Because his marrying Vanessa has disadvantaged you.”

“No.” Olivia pressed down upon her bed, clutching the coverlet. Georgiana recognized that she was mooning over Benjamin, and Jasper thought she resented him marrying Vanessa. It couldn’t possibly be worse. “I am looking forward to my debut. Good heavens. How could I not be? What I am unenthusiastic about is spending hours in my dressing room being fitted for clothes. They all know me well enough to know that.”

Alice nodded, but not as though she was convinced. Olivia vowed to stop complaining. She would laugh and smile and gush. And lie.

“I can’t wait to go to London! I just wrote to a friend telling her so.” She couldn’t let Jasper think she was afraid of the ton’s gossips. She shouldn’t have volunteered to wait another year. Especially after exhorting Vanessa to be fearless! But it wasn’t that she was afraid of failing. She was afraid of succeeding. “Just drop word to Georgiana that I am thrilled the fittings are almost done so now I can enjoy the preparations for London. She’ll tell Reg and he’ll tell Jasper, and this silliness will be done.”

“Yes, I can do that.”

“And now, Tansy, my things.” She stood up so quickly her knees wobbled. She needed air. She didn’t dare say any more to Alice. “I’m going for my ride.”

*

She rode Dandy out to the lake. Nothing was going right. Oatmeal was off her feed and George wanted to keep her close. The meadow was terribly muddy, and Dandy picked his way.

When she reached the lake, she dismounted at the tree stump they kept cleared for the purpose. She let Dandy graze while she wandered out to the boathouse. It was nearly complete. Willy had made it a little larger than the previous one. Tighter. The paint looked fresh, so she didn’t touch the boards.

Come summer, the family would come out to swim and row. They would have picnics. Georgiana would lay Arthur on a blanket. Perhaps he would start to crawl here at the lake.

She would not be here to see it.

Stop that! She would soon be dancing in the finest ballrooms in London. She would go to the theater. Operas. The museum. Bookstores. Vauxhall Gardens. She would eat ices at Gunthers and ride in Hyde Park. Handsome lords would fill her dance card.

She used to dream of these things before Papa got sick. Like any normal young lady, she did. Back then, Benjamin had been in Canada for more than two years. She’d put him out of her mind. She had been over him.