Page 63 of Waiting for Love

While trying to sort her thoughts, she wandered back to the grass where Dandy waited. She stroked his neck, then started at the sound of hoofbeats behind her. She turned.

Goose. And Benjamin. Her stomach fluttered. Then sank. She wasn’t over him. She would never be over him.

For a long moment, they regarded one another in silence.

“Good afternoon, Lady Olivia. I’m sorry to disturb you.”

“Mr. Carroll. I am not disturbed.” She forced a smile and gestured with a tilt of her head. “I came to see how the new boathouse looks.”

“That was my errand as well.”

Her lip curled. How stuffy he sounded. As though afraid she would accuse him of following her there.

She said, “It looks wonderful. Willy did a fine job.”

“He’s doing good work at the cottage too.”

Silence fell again. And grew.

“I understand Jasper likes your Mr. Boring quite well.”

“I think he will suit.”

After another awkward few moments, Benjamin dismounted. He folded his hands on Goose’s neck and studied his fingers.

“My lady, I really must apologize for what transpired at the folly.”

“What transpired?” She bit her lip. This was ridiculous.

He faced her. His skin looked ashen. “I behaved abominably. I should have apologized immediately.”

The kiss was her fault, not his. And then, she’d run away. The outing had come to a swift close afterward. Hannah had exhausted herself and Hazard claimed she’d exhausted him, too. On the ride back, Olivia had spoken only with Alice. She could not recall a thing that they’d said. She remembered only feeling a strange, floating sort of joy, but knew Benjamin was cursing himself so she had no business being happy.

She drew a deep breath and blinked her stinging eyes. “Let’s not do this. I don’t need to hear that it was a mistake. Or that it can never happen again. I know all those things. Just tell me why. Why did you kiss me?”

“It doesn’t matter why.”

“It does to me.” Had it been a silly whim of the moment or something he dreamed about? Something he had resisted until he could no longer resist? Or did he readily kiss women in corners? It mattered. She waited, but he returned to staring at his hands. So she said, “Shall I tell you why I kissed you?”

“You didn’t. I took a liberty I shouldn’t have. You very rightly pushed me away.”

“Oh, bosh. I kissed you because I love you.”

Here were those words again issuing from her mouth. At least she was not wearing another pink frilly dress.

“No.” He shook his head almost violently. “You can’t still be in love with me. Olivia, you haven’t yet met the man you will love. You are only holding onto an infatuation—”

“Listen to me. Listen, and don’t tell me what I feel! I’m not still in love with you. I have fallen in love.”

He practically glowered. How could she make him understand?

“When I was a child, I thought you were a prince. You were so nice to me. And my brothers thought the world of you, so how could I not? But I grew up, Benjamin. If I thought of you at all, after you were gone, it was as a silly, embarrassing moment from my past. You’re right that I can’t possibly still be in love with you because what I felt then was not love.”

He raked his hand through his hair. “So why should you believe it is love now?”

“We are not the same people. We have both grown up. Everything is changed. I think you kissed me because you…” She faltered. It was easier to think it than to say it. She had made the mistake once before. Accusing him. She framed it as a question. “Do you love me?”

His eyes looked tortured. He didn’t speak. But he nodded.