Page 64 of Waiting for Love

Again, she felt that floating joy. As though her heart was lifting out of her body.

“What are we going to do?”

“Nothing,” he rasped. “Olivia, what do you expect? I am a steward. I am Jasper’s steward.”

“You don’t think he would accept—”

“No.”

“But he married Vanessa.”

He shook his head. “He is an earl. The world is different for earls.”

“But—”

“Don’t you see how this looks?” He stomped away from his horse. Away from her. Then spun around. “Think, Olivia. A penniless adventurer wheedles his way into the house of an earl and takes advantage of the foolish tendre the earl’s sister once had for him.”

“You didn’t—”

“They will call it a seduction. A fortune-hunter’s seduction.”

“Oh!” Bile rose in her throat. Such an ugly word. For an ugly, unfair accusation. “I won’t listen to what nasty gossipmongers say.”

“I am talking about your brothers! Your mother.”

Olivia was rendered speechless. Her brothers would not… They knew Benjamin… Mama might be disappointed. She thought titles were so important. She’d married Papa so she could be a countess. But surely she thought differently now. Love was more important.

“Mama will come around,” she said weakly.

“It will not work.” Shaking his head, Benjamin repeated, “It will not work. Olivia, you will marry a peer. It is what you are born to. It is what your children deserve.” His voice grew stronger. Angrier. “Do you know what I am? My father was a laborer and a drunkard. My mother, God rest her soul, took in washing so that we could eat.”

A knot tightened in her belly. She didn’t care who his parents were. Except that it made who he had become even more admirable.

“You love me but not enough to brave the consequences.”

“I love you too much.”

“No. No, I don’t believe in that kind of love. You will condemn me to a life of unhappiness to protect your own image of yourself.”

His face fell. Not only his face. His whole body drooped. Shoulders. Knees. He seemed to shrink into himself.

“I hope you will not be so unhappy.” Then he murmured, “Olivia, I have to think of Hannah.”

Hannah. She could be a mother to Hannah. “Do you imagine me incapable of loving her as my own?”

“Not you. You are infinitely loving. But your society excludes. I cannot subject her to that.”

How was she to argue against his devotion to his daughter? It was one of the things she loved about him. She’d run out of arguments. Crushed, she slogged across the waterlogged grass to catch Dandy’s bridle.

“You have your obligations. I have mine.” She waved a hand toward the boathouse. “Go. Look. Don’t touch the boards; the paint is wet. I’m going back to the house. It’s best if no one knows that we were here together.”

He nodded, jaw tight and hands clenched.

“And, Mr. Carroll, we shouldn’t be alone together again. I can’t bear it.”

She led Dandy to the stump, the makeshift mounting block. Her muddied boot slipped as she tried to step up. The next moment, Benjamin was at her side, gripping her elbow to steady her, then turning her to face him. He put his hands on her waist as if to lift her to the saddle. She saw the longing in his eyes, felt the trembling of his hands. Her knees weakened and she began trembling also. “Olivia,” he groaned, slipping his hands around her back. He tightened his arms around her.

“Don’t!” She turned her head, fighting the desire to let him kiss her, trying to hold onto what remained of her pride. “Don’t. You will hate yourself and I will feel stupid.”