Page 103 of Not Safe for Work

Rafe blinks. “What? That’s not true. I smiled at you all the time.”

I shake my head. “No. You smirked. You gave me a smug or sarcastic twist of your lips, but it was never a true smile. You smiled at everyone else, so I knew it was possible, but I thought it was because you hated me. It wasn’t until that night on the balcony when you gave me the macarons that you smiled at me for real, and now you do it all the time, and it’s… hard to get used to.” His brow furrows and I quickly add, “I mean that in a good way. Your smile is the best, Rafe.”

He lets out a soft chuckle as he drops his head forward.

“What’s so funny?”

He takes my hand, pressing it to his chest as he tucks a strand of hair behind my ear. “Tris. That wasn’t because I hated you but because I thought you hated me. That first day we met, we got off on such a wrong foot, and I guess I just got used to that being how it was between us.”

“I’m sorry. It wasn’t your fault.” I let that hang between us. “When I bumped into you that day, I got scared. I was still broken after what happened with Leo, and you were so pretty, and I was drawn to you immediately, and… I felt this spark, so I pushed you away. I couldn’t fathom the idea of losing myself to anyone ever again.”

He studies me as the breeze tosses his hair and his expression becomes unreadable. Does he hate me now?

“I felt it, too,” he says softly as the band around my heart releases. “It was like time stopped for a moment, but then you looked at me like I’d just kicked your puppy, and I didn’t know what to do. You were the first person I’d ever met who I couldn’t seem to win over.”

I huff out a rueful laugh. “All of this was my fault.”

He shakes his head. “I pushed back, Tris. It’s my fault, too. I wanted so badly to get any kind of reaction from you, but I meant what I said that you made me better, and maybe this was just the path we had to take.” His smile turns sly. “And do you have any idea how beautiful you are when you’re angry? Fuck, it turns me on.”

“Rafe!” I say, giving him a good-natured shove. “Stop it.”

He’s laughing, and again, I’m struck by how much I love it. “What can I say? It’s true.”

I sigh. “I convinced myself you were so wrong for me because that felt safer. I realize how unfair I was being now. I’d put you in a box with the rest of the Khakis.”

“Khakis?”

“You know, the bland, mediocre white dudes who make up the majority of WMC. They wear pleated khakis and couldn’t find their way to a clitoris if their life depended on it.”

He looks so deeply affronted by my statement that I feel the twitch of a smile.

“First off, I have heard no complaints in the department of finding your clitoris, and I have never worn pleated khakis in my life,” he says with so much passion I burst out laughing. “Whose term is this?”

I’m laughing so hard that tears are leaking from my eyes. “Me and Molly. It’s our inside joke. I’m sorry. I see now that’s not who you are.”

I stop laughing at the expression on his face. He’s looking at me like he wants to peel me open and examine every thought in my head.

“I want to keep seeing you when we get home,” Rafe says with so much sincerity that his voice cracks. “I don’t want this to be over.”

“What about the training program?”

“I’m not accepting it no matter what happens,” he says. “If my father maneuvered a spot for me, I’m not taking it. I need to break away from WMC—I just have to figure out how without causing a world war with my parents.” He kisses my fingers. “And if you move to New York, then we’d figure it out. If Lan and Gabrielle can make it work, we can too.”

I let out a deep breath. “Rafe…”

“Don’t answer me yet. Just think about it, okay? You’re the most incredible woman I’ve ever known. Promise me it won’t be goodbye when we get home on Sunday. That it’ll be ‘let’s wait and see.’ Please give me a chance to prove I’m worth it.”

“Rafe,” I whisper.

Of course he’s worth it. I don’t have to think about it to know he’s worth all of it.

I think about everything we’ve been through the past three weeks. Of all the things I never knew about Rafe. He’s been there for me in ways I never realized, supporting me and standing in my corner. He makes me feel beautiful and alive and like I can conquer the world.

Despite how much I put him through, he wants to be with me.

And… I want to be with him, too.

Something inside of me breaks. A hard shell I’ve been wearing for the past five years begins to crack. Striations run along my skin, exposing bits of raw flesh.