Page 118 of One Last Thing Before You Go

“No, Knox. No. That’s not what it was. I was just…” She sighs. “I was scared and so messed up. And wanted to protect you.”

“So what are you trying to say?” I repeat.

“I’m… I’m…” She pauses. Swallows once. “I’m trying to say that I miss you. That I… That I love you. That I messed up—I know I messed up. And now you’re here. How the hell did that happen? So I’m going to shoot my shot, because I don’t know whether I’ll ever get a chance like this again. But I was wondering whether you’d be willing to maybe forgive me? Go back?”

“There is nothing I want less than to go back to how we were.” My words land harsh and destructive, and I realize how badly they can be misconstrued. “Not because I don’t care about you, Lottie. But because I deserve more.”

She swipes a tear away and nods. “No, you’re right. You do deserve more. I mean, it’s why I broke up with you in the first place. The whole kid thing.”

I groan. “I told you I never gave a shit about the kid thing. I don’t care about having kids. I wanted you more. I just want you. But I mean that I don’t want to go back to you keeping all these walls between us, hiding stuff from me. I don’t want to go back to letting you make all our relationship decisions, not treating me like the partner I was supposed to be. Honestly, no matter how much I love you, nothing sounds worse than being with you but not really having you.”

“That’s fair. I totally get that. But it wouldn’t be that way again. And I know this is all sudden, bringing this back up again after not seeing each other for so long. But I’ve thought about this a lot and… Well, I am pretty damn sure you’re the love of my life, Knox. I don’t think there will ever be anyone but you. And if I’ve messed this up too much… Then, I get it. I didn’t handle things well. But I just want you to know that everything I did was because I thought I was doing the best thing for you. I loved you—love you—in a way that haunts me. Because it’s almost selfish. I want the best for you, so a huge part of me feels like I’d be taking something away from you if you stay with me. Yet at the same time…” She lets the sentence hang before taking a deep breath. “Okay, it’s like this: I love you enough to want you to have everything you want in life. Which means that I wouldn’t hold it against you if you left me because you wanted kids. But if you love me, too, and you’re okay with who I am and what I have to offer, then… then love me, Knox. Be with me. Be my partner—I promise I won’t keep you at arm’s length anymore because I don’t want to. I want you to know every inch of me, just like I want to know every inch of you. You’re it. But if I’m too late and I messed up too much…” She chokes back a sob, so I take a few steps forward, close enough to catch her perfect caramel scent. “If I messed things up too much, then I get it. I’ll let you go. Because I just want you to be happy, Knox. It’s all I want.”

“That’s a lot of information.” I exhale, wanting so badly to say yes, to pull her in my arms and start this new life together.

“It is. But I wanted to put it all out there. Because there are so many things I need to tell you. Want to tell you. And I promise if you give me a chance, I will.”

“I want to say yes, Lottie. I do. God, I’ve dreamed so many times over the past six months of you saying exactly this. But I’m terrified of losing you again because… I just don’t think I’ll be able to survive it.”

She shakes her head vehemently. “I’m not pushing you away again, Knox. I was holding on by a thread, too. And while I am happy with my bookstore and think that I’ve created something really special here, I finally realize that I won’t ever be satisfied if I don’t have my partner by my side. And I don’t mean the business kind. I know you have your work and you travel, but I want to be your home base. I want to be the person you come back to after your adventures. So… love me, Knox.”

I roll my eyes at her, a smile on my face. “I’ve always loved you, Lottie. I think I fell for you the second I watched you order a martini from across the bar.”

A sharp inhale, a step forward, and suddenly, my arms are around her, pulling her tightly into me.

“I’m s-so sorry,” she sobs into my chest. “I really m-messed up.”

“I know.” I kiss the top of her head, inhaling her scent, letting it heal every broken inch of me. “But it’s okay. I may be a sucker for forgiving you so quickly, but I want this, too, Lottie. I love you.”

“I promise I’ll never keep you out again.”

“I should’ve never let you go.” I cup her face, angling it toward mine.

“No,” she says between sobs. “I think in a messed up way maybe we needed this. I needed to realize that I wasn’t this broken, half-woman for not being able to have kids. I needed to realize that I could have a full life with the man I loved despite everything. And I’m glad you took this time apart to grieve Walter. To get to know your dad and heal that part of yourself.”

“Yeah.” I grin, pushing her overgrown bangs from her face. “Maybe.”

She sniffles once, her beautiful face red and splotchy. She’s still the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen in my life.

“Can you kiss me? Please.”

I don’t hesitate for a second. I duck down to kiss her deep and long, to try and make up for lost time. But nothing will ever be enough, because no amount of time with her will ever be enough. I want Lottie. I want her always by my side. And as I sink deeper into this kiss, need building inside, I nearly burst with happiness.

“I never have to let you go, then?” I ask. “You’re mine for good?”

She laughs before placing another kiss on my lips. “Yes. If you’ll have me. Though I’m older than you, so I’ll probably die first, who knows.”

My stomach lurches. “Jesus, don’t ever say that. I just had to live six months without you—I don’t want to think about actually losing you.”

“You won’t. We’ll live forever.” She kisses me again, her body molding to mine.

“Should we get married now?” The words burst through my lips, completely unchecked. Shit. But I don’t take them back, even though she’s only just come back to me. Even though I know this might terrify her.

But Lottie just smiles up at me and shrugs, unbothered. “If you want. Though I don’t need a piece of paper to tell me we belong to each other. I’m yours, for good. And if you say you’re mine, then I trust you.”

“Yes. Partners, then.”

“Partners.” She reaches up on her tiptoes to kiss me on the nose. “What do you think Walter would have thought about this? About us?”