Page 92 of One Last Thing Before You Go

“Are you up to reading more of them?” Her voice is cautious, quiet. Like I’m a baby deer she’s approaching in the middle of the forest.

I’ve never felt more ashamed of myself. Never felt so weak.

“Because, like I said, you don’t have to if you don’t want to.”

“I do want to.” I just don’t want to break down in front of you. But then again, I’m not sure I could make it through another one of these without her by my side.

“Same journal?”

“Yes. I want to see what he thought of me that first day.”

“Okay. But let’s move to the bed, shall we? Get more comfortable. Maybe it will… make things better.”

I smile. “The bed will make things better?”

“You’re underestimating the power being wrapped in a comforter cocoon has over the human psyche.”

I laugh softly with a pathetic sniffle. Together, we make ourselves more comfortable, slipping into bed, wrapping ourselves up in the comforter as per Lottie’s instructions, before moving on to the next page.

September 17th

Today was one of the worst days of my life. I met my son and⁠—

I take another break. “The day he met me was the worst day of his life?”

“Stop. Keep reading. We don’t know everything else.” She takes the journal from my hands, and decides to read aloud.

September 17th

Today was one of the worst days of my life. I met my son and I have never been so crushed.

I will never forgive Melissa for what she’s done to me. For denying me the opportunity to be part of this boy’s life. I will never forgive her for not letting me get to be the father I could’ve been for the past ten years.

I feel like I have missed everything.

He’s… incredible. Lennox. Knox.

Knox is amazing. Smart. Creative. So brilliantly creative. And no one has noticed,

because his mother has been to busy working, trying to support them. From what he’s told me, they’ve moved too much for anyone at his schools to realize it.

But I’m not going anywhere. Not now, not ever. From now on, I will be here for Knox.

Melissa thinks I’m just going to help her through her recovery, but that’s not how things will go at all. I haven’t told her I resigned or that I’ve already put in an offer on an apartment in town. I have enough savings to hold me off while I figure things out.

I’m here for good.

And Melissa… Well, I can’t even look at her. I thought there would never be any pain like that of losing her. But this? Finding out I have a son she never wanted me to know feels like death. It feels like finding out someone died and realizing they’re never coming back. Those first ten years of his life I lived without knowing him. Those first ten years of his life I could’ve experienced with him. I missed so many milestones. So many big moments. And she took that from me. She’s taken a piece of my life I’ll never get back.

But I’m here now. And I’ll be his father. And after only one day of knowing him, I know he’s already made me proud enough to call my son for the rest of my life.

“Jesus. I can’t. Stop, please.” I’m crying again. Because I failed him. He thought he’d be proud of me for the rest of his life, but then… “I disappointed him. He told me so. I let him down. That last time we talked—” I choke on a sob.

“Hey. That’s not true, remember? We found out it was never true. He constantly told his friends about you. That he was proud. Talked about you non-stop. What he said that day you fought, it must’ve been in the heat of the moment. Or a misunderstanding.”

“No.” I shake my head, heels in my eyes. “No, I let him down. I let him down. I wasn’t the kid he thought I was. I was a terrible son. And I disappeared.”

“Knox, hey. Hey, you need to breathe. Please.”