Page 42 of Give Me Peace

There’s no way in hell I’ll let that happen. I’ll uproot everything and cart us off to the middle of fucking nowhere if I have to. This piece of shit will not take her. As much as it kills me, I know we have to lie. Because Saylor is the exact kind of good that would be devastated to know someone’s died because of her. And my gut tells me this woman won’t be the only casualty. If we want to protect her, she can’t know about this.

“On a different note,” Denvers says, bringing me back to the present. “The computer we found was work-issued. Not a thing on it.”

Fuck.

“Well, we know he was recently in Fargo, North Dakota. So, that’s a start,” Krew chimes in. I hope like fuck that brilliant mind of his is already working a mile a minute, coming up with a plan to find this fucker before he can hurt anyone else. “And there’s no reason to think he knows the physical location of the house.”

“It’s secure enough, so I see no reason to move Saylor just yet.” We stiffen in unison, the thought of him even trying to take her making us defensive as fuck. Agent or not, that won’t go over well. “I’ve gotta run. Let me know if you find anything.” Denvers ends the call without another word.

I lay my head back and close my eyes, giving myself a few minutes to silently rage against the self-control that’s keeping me from tearing this room apart, piece by piece. I want to break something; let everything I’m feeling boil over until it floods out like poison. But I keep it contained, allowing it to fester and eat at my insides. I have to be the one who keeps his cool. It’s my responsibility to maintain a level head and come up with a damn solution, not be a part of the problem.

“Okay.” I stand, slipping back into the leadership role I both love and hate. “It goes without saying that Saylor won’t hear a word of this. We keep her busy and happy. I don’t want there to be any reason for her to think something’s off.”

“We’ll work through her list,” Kade states. “I’ll push her to keep adding to it so we don’t run out of shit to do.”

“This is fucked. I hate lying to her. We’re trying to build trust, and when this comes out—which it fucking will—there’s no way she won’t feel betrayed.” Ro shakes his head, glaring at the floor with his arms crossed, but his anger isn’t pointed at any of us. It’s the situation.

“We’re backed into a corner, Ro. We’ve got a shit choice or an even shittier one. And the latter will likely result in the woman we’re all falling for being taken again. Or worse.” I give him a hard look, rolling my eyes at the choking sound Krew makes. “Let’s cut the shit and stop pretending like every damn one of us isn’t feeling something we shouldn’t be for Saylor. I won’t act on it, and neither should any of you, but if the day ever comes that she initiates or gives me so much as an inkling that she feels the same way, all bets are off.”

“Fuck you, Loch,” Kade spits. “I’m the one she’s known half her damn life. It was me that cared for her sick mother. Me that put Saylor on your fucking radar in the first place.”

“That doesn’t make her yours, dickhead,” I growl.

“No, it doesn't. But I’m sure as fuck hers.” Kade takes a step closer with every venomous word he spits, until we’re toe-to-toe, glaring at each other in a way we never have before. “It won’t matter who she’s with, I will always belong to Saylor. At the end of the day, her happiness is what’s most important. But I won’t disappear from her life for you or anyone else. Got that, brother?” I roll my tongue over my teeth, loathing the truth and finality of his declaration.

“How about we stop the posturing, considering you’re both peacocking over a woman who’s emotionally unavailable. You both sound disgusting.” Krew throws the door open, clearly done with our bullshit.

Goddamnit.

Now I feel like a sick bastard. Saylor needs a support system and people she can rely on. Not men salivating at the hope she might one day want more. Maybe Krew’s had the right idea all along by keeping his distance. But as quick as the thought comes, it’s banished. I could no sooner do that than go all day without at least three cups of coffee. I’m addicted to her just the same. Like I said, I won’t act on it, but I need to do better about letting my thoughts get so carried away.

“Let’s go. It’s been a fucking day and I’m ready to call it quits.” Ro stomps up the stairs, Kade and I following a few steps behind. Neither one of us apologizes for the things we said. Maybe we both know we’re telling the God’s honest truth about our feelings, or we just need some time to process. Either way, we each go our separate ways once we’re back on the main level. I have the sudden urge to go to my office, just to be closer to Saylor. I keep waiting for the next nightmare, for her screams to rip me from sleep and clamp a vice around my heart. Every night that passes without that happening feels like a small victory.

Against my better judgement, I turn left at the end of the hallway. I’m feeding these thoughts I shouldn’t be having, when I need to take a step back and remind myself that Saylor’s fragile. The last thing I’d ever want is to hurt her in any way. Yet I still open her door, needing to see her. To know she’s okay. I pull up short at the sight that greets me. Kash is in her bed, his back to the door as she lays on the opposite side facing him. Their hands are clasped together, the only point of contact between them, but it’s somehow intimate. It reminds me of the way she held onto me in the hospital.

“Did you ever consider that she might need all of us?” Kade’s voice is quiet behind me, but you’d think he screamed the words based on my reaction. On the outside, I’m still standing there, hand clenching the doorknob as I watch two broken people sleeping peacefully, finding comfort in one another. A feat they both struggle with, but currently isn’t an issue based on the way Saylor’s lips are slightly parted and Kash is borderline snoring.

On the inside, though? Something shifts. Maybe it’s acceptance, settling in for the long haul. It sends a crack right through the possibilities I saw, creating a chasm between the ‘one days’ and the ‘maybes’. I want to be selfish. For fucking once I want to take something for myself instead of worrying about everyone else. I’ll never regret what we’ve built, but I’ve always put the guys first. And looking at Kash, I know this won’t be any different. I could never knowingly hurt him, and it’s clear as day he needs Saylor just as much, if not more, than she needs any of us.

The sad part, is that I know I’ll take whatever scraps I can get. If it means Saylor’s a part of my life, I’ll play any role she needs me to. I’m no different than Kade. She sees us as the men entrusted to protect her. Friends, perhaps, but nothing more than that. So maybe I should focus on being what she needs right now and let the rest of it go. It was a farfetched idea to begin with, but now it feels downright ridiculous. I pull the door closed, taking a second to get my shit together so every sappy thing I’ve been thinking isn’t written all over my fucking face.

“You’re right.” I turn to look at Kade. “She needs all of us to be what we promised her we’d be. Protectors. Friends. Family. Saylor trusts us, so let’s not fuck that up.” I walk straight to my room, not giving him a chance to say anything more on the matter. It wouldn’t make a difference. A nagging little voice in the back of my head is saying we’re already screwing things up. That delicate thread of trust we’re establishing is going to be tested when she finds out that Liam’s escalated to outright killing. Made even worse by us keeping it from her.

But the thought of a guilt-ridden Saylor walking out of here, painting a giant ass target on her back to take his attention off of anyone else, makes me fucking rabid. We’ll make her understand when the time comes. For now, my focus remains on keeping her safe, by any means necessary. With any luck, she won’t pick up on the tension between us or the extra worry we’ll be carrying until this shit is resolved and Liam is dealt with.

I strip my clothes off and turn the shower on cold. I hiss when I step inside and the icy water coats my skin. As much as I want to fist my cock and find release, I refuse to do that with Saylor so fresh on my mind. My feelings for her aren’t innately sexual. Yes, she’s a beautiful girl, but it’s more than that. And right now, it feels dirty to look at her with lust and longing. Apparently, the line’s drawn at even imagining it.

Let the cold showers commence.

Chapter Twenty-Two

Saylor

It’s been two days since Kash and Havok took me to the beach. My skin is starting to flake from where I got a bit of sun, so I search the mounds of product in my bathroom drawers until I come across a moisturizing cream. Once I’ve lathered it on and no longer look like I’m molting, I head towards the kitchen. Something sweet fills the air, so I imagine Kash was in charge of breakfast this morning. That suspicion is confirmed when I find him pulling a casserole dish from the oven filled with fluffy cinnamon rolls.

“Those look so good.” I stop beside him, practically salivating over the ooey-gooey goodness.

“Want to put the icing on?” He holds the melted sugar out with a raised eyebrow. “This is big deal, though. Icing the cinis is akin to being chosen to put the topper on the Christmas tree.”