Page 77 of Breakaway

Even without staring at her blatantly, I’m aware of Andi the second I’m within touching distance of her. Hudson is cradled in her arms, her hand stroking his back as he sleeps peacefully through the noise. As we do every year, Rita has us go around the table and list what we’re thankful for. I give the same response as the guys, but even to my own ears, it sounds hollow. Like I’m repeating what I’m expected to say. It’s the absolute truth; I’m eternally grateful that Andi’s a part of my life, but I don’t know how to move past this hurdle we’re facing. I don’t think I have the ability to partake in the type of relationship she wants, but the thought of losing her feels like a slow and miserable death.

When it’s Andi’s turn, and she begins speaking, my chest grows tight from hearing what she’s willing to give up for me. Am I giving her the same consideration? Or am I being a selfish asshole who can’t see past his own trauma? I don’t know. I don’t know a fucking thing anymore, and that’s the problem. I can’t even think about those unbidden words that left her lips earlier. The fact that I just stood there, looking like a deer in headlights, makes me want to beat my own ass. Briggs’ stare is practically burning a hole in my forehead, but I keep my focus on my plate and eat in silence, thinking over everything that Royce said and the few talks I’ve shared with Dayton recently. He, of all people, should understand my hesitation and where my hang-ups are coming from.

After we’ve eaten our fill and Dayton turns on the football game, I track Andi’s movements as she curls up on the couch with Hudson. It doesn’t take long for her eyes to grow heavy, and her breaths even out a moment later, despite the competing sounds happening all around her. It soothes something inside of me to know that she’s comfortable enough to fall asleep here, knowing she’s safe after having to constantly look over her shoulder for so long. I stand and make my way closer, grabbing a blanket and draping it around her. She’s so fucking beautiful it hurts to be this close and not reach out and touch her. Royce comes to a stop beside me, dropping a kiss to the top of Andi’s head.

“Think about what I said, Col,” he insists, pulling me in for a hug. “Rita and I are gonna head out. We need to go by The Village and make sure no one’s in need of any help.” The heart of this man never ceases to amaze me. They say goodbye to the others, keeping their voices down so Andi and Hudson aren’t disturbed. Once it’s just the four of us, as well as Mia, Raiden motions to the rooftop, indicating he wants to speak with everyone. My sigh is audible, knowing the conversation we’ve been avoiding is finally about to happen, but I’m no more prepared than I was a few weeks ago. The cold is biting when I exit onto the terrace, but it helps my mind stay alert, which is the only reason I’m able to dodge the fist that Briggs aims directly at my face.

“What the fuck, asshole?” I grunt, shoving him away from me as Dayton pins his arms behind his back.

“If you ever make her cry again, I’ll beat the shit out of you, Col. Raiden can cuff me and haul my ass to jail, but if I’m leaving in the back of a cop car, I can promise you that you’ll be leaving in the back of an ambulance,” Briggs snarls, his chest heaving with righteous anger.

“You made her cry?” Dayton questions, the menace in his voice unmistakable. My heart thuds painfully inside my chest, wanting nothing more than to go to my girl. To wrap my arms around her and whisper a thousand apologies for how I’ve been behaving. To tell her I love her, too. But my heart and head are locked in a battle of wills, and I don’t know how to reconcile the two. The guys all look at me with varying degrees of anger, while Mia stands to the side, taking stock of the situation.

“Let’s pause the dick measuring for the time being,” she states, her heels clicking across the concrete pavers as she moves to take a seat by the firepit, then turns it on so we aren’t freezing our asses off. “Some new information has come to light that we need to discuss.” My brows furrow in confusion, wondering if I’ve missed a chapter that introduced Mia’s involvement. Seeing how lost we all look, Raiden begins explaining.

“I met Mia for lunch last week and asked her to reach out to a former acquaintance of hers, Belmont Astor.” Mia’s snort tells me there’s more to the story, but he continues speaking, stating, “He’s a trial attorney. One of the best, actually. After everything that happened between Seth and Tobias, I thought it’d be prudent for us to secure individual counsel for Andi specifically, not just representation for the case as a whole. We all know that Ada isn’t going to let her son’s death be swept under the rug, and the main person she’s focusing her wrath and blame on is Andi. With her knowing about the baby, I want to take every precaution possible, which I’m sure we can all agree on.” We nod in unison, completely on board with extra safeguards for Andi.

“Which leads us to where I come in,” Mia takes over. “Bel doesn’t take on clients without knowing everything about them. While doing his due diligence, he came across a private chatroom dedicated to Veritas sympathizers. Long story short, he found a way in and started digging around. With the current information he’s unearthed, he has reason to believe that at least one of their members is in regular contact with Ada Stillwater, but even more troubling is that one of the defense attorneys is under investigation by the Deputy Director of the FBI, who’s now aware of Bel’s snooping and decided to enlist his help. He’s been instructed to continue monitoring their activity without raising any alarms, but you should know that he’s uncovered photographs of each of you with Andi.”

“The fuck?” Dayton growls, surging to his feet so fast his chair topples over. “What kind of photos?”

“There’s nothing too incriminating or inappropriate. Just each of you with her, sharing small touches that could easily be interpreted as proof of an intimate relationship. There’s no reason to sound the alarm just yet. As of right now, they haven’t done anything with the so-called evidence they’ve gathered, and Bel’s closely watching everything they do, so we’ll know if or when that changes.”

“So you’re telling me that the person who’s representing these demented fucks is being investigated for their own criminal activities?” Briggs questions slowly, his banked anger begging to be let loose.

“Unfortunately,” Raiden admits. “And I think it goes without saying that this conversation doesn’t get spoken about beyond this moment.” We mumble our agreement, none of us keen on pissing off the Deputy Director of the FBI.

“So where do we go from here?” I ask, bracing my elbows on my knees and steepling my fingers beneath my chin.

“Act normal and don’t draw attention to yourselves. Situational awareness is imperative, but I think we should keep this quiet for now. Andi’s stressed enough without adding something else to the mix,” Raiden answers, steeling his shoulders for the backlash he’s expecting.

“You want us to lie to her?” Briggs asks skeptically. “Absolutely not. If you’re too pussy to be the one to tell her, then I will.” If there’s one thing to be said about the asshole, it’s his dedication to Andi. It’s mind-boggling how drastically he’s changed since the two of them met. I was terrified I’d find him in some back alley one day, dead from an overdose. I didn’t want him anywhere near Andi, and now I wouldn’t think twice about trusting him with her safety.

“Just…” Raiden starts, pressing his lips together in agitation. He probably hates that Briggs is the one waving the morality card. “Just give me a few days. Let’s see what Belmont is able to find, and if nothing comes from his digging, then we’ll reassess. It’s pointless to make Andi worry if this can be done and over with in a matter of days.” I see his point, but the likelihood of that happening is slim to none.

“Three. You have three days, Detective Hardass,” Briggs asserts, looking perturbed that he’s even agreeing to the request at all.

“Back to name-calling, I see,” Raiden mutters, shaking his head in mock annoyance.

When the hell did they all get so close? I’ve had a front-row seat to their ribbing all day, and though the backhanded comments are still present, there’s a hint of fondness as well. Somehow, during the brief time I’ve kept myself apart from everyone while attempting to work through my shit, even Dayton and Briggs have come to a truce, a feat I didn’t think possible. I guess this is what it feels like to be on the outside looking in.

“As for our next order of business,” Raiden comments, pointedly looking at his sister.

“And that’s my cue to leave,” Mia chimes in, slapping her hands on her thighs as she stands. She pecks her brother’s cheek and waves goodbye to the rest of us over her shoulder. And then it’s just the four of us, but it feels like I’m an interloper about to be put on trial with the way their attention keeps veering in my direction.

“I think it’s time we address the elephant in the room,” Raiden states the obvious. “We fell for the same girl, but Andi isn’t some random woman, and none of us are willing to back down for the sake of our friendship. Even if we were, that’s not what she wants.” And there it is: the crux of the matter. What Andi wants is in direct contradiction to everything I’ve grown up believing. The prospect of sharing her goes against the very foundation I’ve built my morals around. “So that leaves us with two options: we all date Andi, or no one dates Andi.” The silence that descends after Raiden’s statement feels heavy, like the reality of what he’s proposing is finally sinking in now that it’s been said aloud.

“I think Colsen has already made that decision for all of us,” Briggs grinds out, his anger flaring once again.

“You think this is easy for me?” I speak through gritted teeth. “I fucking love her. I pictured a life with her. I could practically hear Hudson and the baby she’s carrying calling me Daddy one day.”

“Fuck you, Col,” Dayton spits venomously. “You’re not the only one who wants that title, who’s had those exact same thoughts!”

“I know that!” I climb to my feet, pacing the narrow space between the brick balustrade and where we’re seated. “That’s the whole fucking problem, Dayton. I’m not questioning your feelings for Andi. I know they’re just as real as mine.”

“Then what’s so goddamn awful about sharing her with the three of us? If you know that we’re sincere in how we feel and that we’d burn the world down before even dreaming of hurting her, then why can’t we figure out a way to make this work? Making Andi happy is my top priority, but that doesn’t mean I don’t want you to be happy, too. I want Briggs to have a reason to keep being a better man. And without Raiden, we wouldn’t even know Andi. So why, Col? Why can’t we all just be fucking happy?” His genuine confusion feels like a blade piercing my heart.

“How do you not know why I’m struggling with this, D?” I respond just as passionately. “Did you even stop to think about what the idea of sharing Andi would dredge up? How the parallels to my mother are keeping me up at night? How disgusted I feel that I’m even considering it, because my need for her is overriding everything else? I swore I wouldn’t be anything like him, and yet here I am, on the verge of sharing the woman I love with my goddamn buddies. Sounds familiar, huh?” My eyes are brimming with tears, but I feel no shame in how viscerally I’m responding to Dayton’s questioning. Fuck him for not realizing how difficult this would be for me. I shouldn’t have to spell it out for him.