Page 57 of Hate You to Love You

Eventually, I arrive at a place I never thought I’d get to see. The blue door from Notting Hill. Exactly as it appeared in the movie. Dark blue, set against the white exterior of the townhouse it leads to. I’m clearly not the only person here who loves the film; there’s a line of people snaking around the corner waiting for a turn to get their photo taken with the cinematic landmark.

I stand on the opposite side of the street, unable to take my eyes off the door. This door represents everything I love about romantic comedies. Seeing it should fill me with joy and excitement. But all I can think about is the fact that Dad should be here with me. He had so much love still to give; it isn’t fair that he’s gone. He was the one who always reminded me that our time on this earth was about making sure the people closest to us knew that we loved them. Without him, it hasn’t felt like there’s much of a point to anything.

I feel a gentle tap on my shoulder and spin around to find Elliot, offering me a shy smile.

‘What are you doing here?’ I ask.

‘I wanted to make sure you were okay.’

‘What about Claudia?’

‘The events from the past few nights have caught up with her and she wanted to rest at the hotel. And then I saw you running and… I didn’t want you to be alone for this.’

Elliot’s kind words knock me right back to how we used to act around each other.

‘Thanks for showing up,’ I say slowly.

He takes a seat on the curb next to me. ‘I should have said it earlier, but thanks for helping me get the journal back.’

‘We both would have lost in that scenario,’ I reply.

‘Look, Carlos, I know I haven’t been the easiest to get along with lately. But I was nervous about seeing you again,’ he says. There’s a slight crack in his voice as he speaks. ‘When I found out you were accompanying me on tour, I was terrified. And to be honest, I felt guilty for not resolving things between us. There wasn’t space for me in your life anymore, and I was worried about what that said about me. I was frightened that spending time with you would bring all that up to the surface, so it was easier to play the asshole than acknowledge our history. But that wasn’t fair to you.’

My body goes numb and I’m not sure how to respond to him. I don’t think I’m ready to yet. I’ve waited a long time to hear his apology.

His knees brush against my leg for a fleeting moment, but it’s enough to send a jolt of electricity through me. There’s something daunting about having nothing left to fight with him about. Arguing feels simpler than reckoning with the time we’ve lost.

‘I’m glad you made it here,’ Elliot says under his breath.

We both look at the blue door as pedestrians weave around us.

‘Why?’

‘Because the guy who believed in happily ever afters finally got to see somewhere that means a lot to him.’

My lips tremble. He doesn’t know how painful being here without Dad is.

I pull my knees close into my chest. ‘Can I ask you something?’

‘Of course.’

‘Are you happy?’

He hesitates. ‘Are you?’

I could be, I want to tell him. If I could find a way to stop living in the past, maybe I’d finally know what it’s like to feel at peace again. ‘Yeah,’ I say. ‘I think.’

‘You think?’

I breathe in. It’s hard saying these words out loud, although there’s a small part of me that feels a sense of relief at letting them out. ‘The movies lied to me,’ I tell him.

‘Serendipity is a bit unrealistic, sure, but—’

I laugh at his attempt to lighten the mood, shaking my head. ‘It just feels like I had my happily ever after, and then life ripped it away from me.’ A wave of despair washes over me. ‘Go ahead, make fun of me. Say you were right all along.’

‘Right about what?’ he asks.

‘That the great love of the movies can never exist in real life.’ I mumble my words, my voice deflated.