Page 43 of Library of Forbidden Books

Moringen

August 2, 1935

Helene was constantly weak. Her belly was not as big as she expected it would be. But the past few weeks it had been hard to walk or bend over and especially hard to sleep. She lay awake at night, thinking, listening to the cicadas serenading the moon, and studying the birds that greeted the dawn and the bright blue skies that almost every morning brought.

There was a big hole in her heart for Anna, but Helene tried to focus her energy on helping Alice, on teaching her fellow prisoners to read and write, and on keeping the library going. Everyone was more careful now with the books, and Helene only loaned out the German works that were not on the banned lists.

One morning at the beginning of August, Helene could not get herself out of bed to go to the workshop. The block leader allowed her to stay in the barrack. She could not get comfortable, but tried to read nonetheless. She could not concentrate on the book, though. Her mind raced with worry. She had not received a letter from Derek in two months. Lena’s response had encouraged her, but it was unnerving not to have news from her husband. Surely he knew the baby would be coming soon.

Helene pulled out the bundle of letters she had accumulated and reread them for the thousandth time. She had always taken on too much in her desire to care for others and help them be happy. Here at the edge of her strength, with death so close at hand every day, the only duty she assigned herself was to love.

After reading again the last line from Lena, she put all the letters away. She attempted to sit up to look out the window but settled for studying the barrack instead. It was hardly more sophisticated than a barnyard stable. The odors were ripe in the summer heat, and cockroaches scampered across the floor uninhibited. Fleas and bedbugs were constants. It was a mercy that there were no mirrors at Moringen. Yet Helene had caught her reflection once in the water of the washbasin and had not immediately recognized her own face. The gauntness of her cheeks made her eyes look inhumanly large. The protruding womb stuck out oddly from her emaciated frame.

Helene stroked her stomach and spoke to the baby. “I never dreamed you’d come into the world in a place like this. I’m so sorry. Mothers want what’s best for their children. But I want you to know you’ll never be lacking for love. Your father loves you so much, even though he’s far away. I know he’ll get us out of here, and we’ll be together again.”

Helene changed positions. The active child inside her made it hard to breathe. The baby squirmed as if trying to get out and into her arms. Its movements delighted Helene as much as they caused her discomfort.

She resumed her cooing. “You’ve also got grandparents, and Aunt Amalia, and Aunt Lena too. Plus our cat—you’re going to love Kaiser. You’ll be his new toy. I promise I’ll get you out of here. Sometimes I think about the world you’re about to know, and I just can’t . . . I wish things were different, honey. But the good thing about this camp is that it’s helped me get my priorities straight.”

Helene struggled to sit up on the side of the bed and started panting. Out of nowhere, a contraction doubled her over with pain.

“So you’re ready to come, are you?” she whispered as her water broke.

Helene did not know who to call out for. She struggled to stand up and felt both water and blood trickling down her legs onto the dry wooden floor.

“God, help me,” she cried out, terrified.

The few yards to the door were endless. She finally made it to the threshold and opened the door, but the courtyard was empty. Everyone was at work. Helene frantically looked around, then started the journey to the infirmary.

Just a few yards from the barrack door, another contraction came. She bent over and breathed deeply, waiting for it to pass. Then she willed one foot to move forward again, then the other.

In the middle of the courtyard, a shooting pain threw her to the ground. A prisoner leaving the kitchen on an errand caught the movement out of the corner of her eye and ran over to help.

“Are you okay?” she asked.

“No,” Helene panted. She was sweating, her eyes were unnaturally wide open, and her face was mottled red. “I’m in labor.”

The other woman was momentarily speechless, not having noticed the bulge at Helene’s abdomen. Then she reacted and ran to the hospital barrack. Soon thereafter she returned with two other women and a stretcher. They got Helene on it as gently as they could and carried her to the building.

The operating room and exam room were one and the same. Dr. Ruth stretched Helene’s limp body out on the bed and said soothingly, “Women have been doing this for thousands of years.”

News traveled fast, and soon Alice showed up. She grabbed Helene’s hand and gave it a squeeze.

Helene wanted Derek beside her, and she knew he wanted to be there. But she returned Alice’s squeeze, then held on for dear life as another contraction came.

Every jolt ripped her apart, and Helene felt the urgency to get the child out of her body as soon as possible.

Ruth raised her head and caught Helene’s eye.

“It looks like the cord is wrapped around the baby’s neck. I’ll have to turn the child from the inside,” she warned. Then she gently inserted her hand and coaxed the baby’s body around.

The pain was unbearable, but it kicked off Helene’s pushing response, and soon thereafter Helene felt the baby seemingly shoot out of her like a cork from champagne.

She heard an infant’s cry and craned forward to see. His purplish face was scrunched up, and his mouth was opening and closing as he took in oxygen for the first time.

Ruth cut the umbilical cord and put the baby in Helene’s outstretched arms. The warmth of his body, the softness of his skin, and the smell of blood imprinted themselves upon her mind. She clutched him to her chest and, tears streaming, said, “Welcome, Alexander. I’m your mom. I’ll love you more than anyone else your whole life. Don’t ever forget that.”

Helene cried hard with joy over the gift heaven had given her and with grief over her beloved. Where was Derek? What if something had happened to him?