Page 52 of Always Be My Pumpkin

Flynn’s face softens as he looks at me. ‘Stay, Gracie, please. I’ll be back before I leave for the airport. And we’ll talk.’ He swallows. ‘We need to talk.’

The look he gives me is anxious, and I hate that he’s worried about letting me down, because even if he is still hung up on Natalie, he really cares about me too.

I look into his eyes and do my best to convey with mine that I’m good, I’m strong, I’m well able to cope with whatever happens next. And I don’t need Flynn to take care of me. I want him to start taking care of himself.

‘Go,’ I say softly. ‘I’ll stay here. I’ll be fine.’

24

It’s the early hours of Sunday morning when Flynn climbs into bed, and I purr sleepily as he curls himself around me and nuzzles close. I’m vaguely aware that I need to wake up, that we have things we need to talk about. But I’m wrapped in a weighted blanket of pure Flynn, that sweet verbena smell, and his soft breath in my ear, and the next thing I know there’s a buzzing from the locker and a horn honking loud below the window. Bloody Finbarr again.

‘Damn it.’ Flynn jumps out of bed, hits the alarm on his phone, and starts pulling on his jeans. And I curse Finbarr in my head like he’s personally responsible for taking this beautiful man away from me, for dragging him out of my bed.

The horn honks again and two minutes later there’s rapping on the front door.

‘Fuck, I’m so late. I hit snooze and I must have gone back to sleep.’ Flynn grabs his passport from the locker and shoves a toothbrush into the front pocket of his backpack. ‘Finbarr’s driving me. I have to go or I’ll miss my flight.’

‘Go. Go.’ I pull myself up and wave him on as he moves towards the door.

He dashes back over, takes my face in his hands, and presses his forehead to mine. ‘I love you, Gracie. You know that, don’t you?’

‘Do you?’ I mean, I know Flynn loves me, but the way he’s saying it . . .

‘Of course.’ He draws back and smiles. ‘Best friends, always.’

The rapping starts again.

‘Sorry, I’d better go.’

‘I love you too,’ I whisper, almost to myself, as he walks out the door.

‘He told you he loved you?’ Sarah says later as she grips her hood tight and dips her head to fend off the biting wind.

‘He didn’t say it like that.’ I drop down on the wrought-iron bench facing the lake and stare at the swirling carpet of gold and copper leaves at my feet. ‘He said it as a friend.’

She perches at the other end of the bench and turns to face me, nose scrunched. ‘You sure about that?’

Best friends, always. Yeah, I’m pretty sure.

‘Did you not hear what I told you earlier?’ I throw up my hands in frustration. ‘He’s flying home to Natalie. He told his mother he’s going to see her as soon as he gets back to Cricket Falls. He’s never gotten over her. He was in bits after they broke up. You should have heard how heartbroken he sounded that time he called me in London.’

I lost the person I care most about in this world, and I only have myself to blame. I wish I’d tried harder. I wish I’d never left.

And then Jamie interrupted before Flynn could say any more, and started ranting about us being late, making sure Flynn could hear him, and Flynn said he had to go anyway, and to have a good night.

He never got to tell me why it ended or why he gave up trying to fix things with Natalie, and I never even bothered to call him back, because I had long ago convinced myself I needed to move on from Flynn, even though I realise now that I never really did.

‘He was so cut up about losing her, and he needed a friend he could talk to,’ I tell Sarah now. ‘And I wasn’t there for him at all. I really let him down.’

‘That was two years ago, Gracie. He doesn’t seem the least bit sad now. And you said you had the best sex of your life this weekend. Sounds like more than friends to me.’

‘Good friends who have good sex.’ I huff a bitter laugh. ‘Same as him and Meghan. She probably thought it was the best sex of her life too. That’s why she clung so hard even though Flynn made it clear he didn’t want more than a fling.’

‘You mean more than a shag?’

‘Yeah, Sarah, that’s exactly what I mean. And he felt so guilty about it, even though he had no reason to, because Meghan told him that’s all she was looking for. He called her again to sort things out but he doesn’t see her any more. Because he’s worried about hurting her. And I can’t let that happen to us. I won’t.’

‘What will you do?’ Sarah stands and rubs her gloved hands, stomps up and down on a bed of soggy leaves. A not-so-subtle hint to get moving, back to the cosy crackling stove in the Corner Bar where Tim and a fully recovered Pat are waiting to meet us for lunch.