Page 44 of Butterfly 6, Phase 1

“Yes, baby, it is. That is your home. You love that man and that home,” Nannie said.

“Eazy said something to me today, and I need you to fill in the blanks for me. I had another baby after Kenzie. A son named Love. What happened to him?” Alani asked.

“Alani, baby, have you asked your husband?” Nannie sighed.

“Not yet, but it felt like Eazy and Bella had been instructed not to tell me at all. It felt like they let it slip. Can I ask him? Will he even tell me the truth?” Alani asked. She didn’t know why she had this tremor in her soul. A fear. An unsettling.

“I believe you can ask that man anything,” Nannie said. “I think he always has your best interest at top of mind. But I also think you should focus on the future, not the past. There was a baby, and it was a painful time for you both. You have enough healing to do without digging up old bones, baby. Stop digging.” Alani fell silent as conflict filled her. Alani wasn’t a woman who could turn the other cheek. She wasn’t an “as-long-as-he-comes-home-to-me” type of woman. She had to know. She had to be informed. She didn’t believe omission was protection. The sudden notion of her mothering a son she didn’t even know wasn’t something she could tuck away and not mention for the sake of peace.

“I’m just trying to put the pieces back together, Nannie. How am I supposed to do that if they aren’t all in front of me?”

“You let him put them back together. Ethic isn’t a perfect man, but he’s a good man, Lenika. He’s been through hell and back with you, and he not once tucked his tail and ran from the challenge, and trust me, baby, you were a challenge. I am your mother’s sister. You are my bloodline. I don’t want to see you anything less than happy. Hear me, and hear me clearly, child. Build a future and leave the loss of your past behind. You are safe with him. Do you understand me?”

Nannie’s words were meant to reassure, but they were causing more suspicion, more confusion.

“I can’t just let go of a past I don’t remember, Nannie. What about Kenzie? What about Lucas? They were murdered, Nannie. I had to Google their names to find that out!”

“Child, let her rest!” The force behind Nannie’s tone stunned Alani. “Nobody can relive that hurt. It almost killed you!” Nannie’s grief was rearing its ugly head as her voice dripped with evidence from the tainted memories. “We were there! We remember! Don’t make us all go back! We’ve hurt enough for ten lifetimes. You don’t have to feel guilty about not being able to feel it now. If you had kept feeling it, you wouldn’t be here.”

“That’s easy for you to say. You’re not the one walking around in darkness,” Alani cried, pressing the issue. “I just don’t know if I can trust him…it’s so hard to…”

“Alani, stop it, baby. That man doesn’t just want you; he seeks you! He has covered you through the worst days of your life. He loves you. He’s there, Alani! Let him be there! Kenzie’s loss is deeply rooted, baby, and you can’t erase it. You were finally healing from it, and dragging yourself back to hell won’t bring that baby back. Let it rest, and please, just stop looking for ghosts.”

Alani recoiled. She heard Nannie’s frustration, and at the root of the chastisement, she heard fear. Alani’s chin quivered as her eyes welled. She couldn’t just let this go. There was too much she couldn’t recall, too much she didn’t know. She wanted details. She wanted to know how many times Kenzie had been shot. She wanted to know who came to the funeral. She wanted to know who spoke at the funeral if Nyair preached. She wanted to know if any suspects were found. If anyone had paid for the crime. She couldn’t just let it go, but she could see that Nannie would never understand her need for the gory details. All Alani could offer in response was, “Yes, ma’am.”

“I’m sorry, baby. I know this is hard for you, and I don’t mean to make you feel like you can’t ask questions, but re-opening a wound that almost bled out seems like self-torture to me, and I don’t want to watch you suffer again. I won’t be here forever, but when I go, I’d like to know that you’re in good hands. You and Ethic should work on healing, not looking back at the past. Let me get off this phone. I hear that man’s spoon in my pot, and you done ran my pressure up. Will you be okay? Do I need to come over there?”

“No, Nannie. I’m fine. Go ahead. I’ll call you tomorrow. I love you,” Alani mumbled the words, but they didn’t reach her heart. Her melancholy was palpable.

“I love you more than you could ever know,” Nannie answered.

Alani sat there, phone in hand, heart in stomach, thoughts drudging through the empty canals of her hollow mind.

Just listen to her, Alani thought. But she just couldn’t. She was like a dog with a bone.

The knock at her door stopped her from pressing Nyair’s name on her favorites list.

“Come in,” she called out. Mara opened the door. “Just bringing you your medication and some tea. Do you need help with anything?” Mara’s look of concern, as she looked around the ransacked room, felt like judgment. “Are you looking for something?”

Alani looked at Mara, and she couldn’t justify the disdain she felt. Mara was beautiful, educated, and, most of all, she was there to help. She was there to serve. According to her family, Mara had helped to save her life. She didn’t know why the hair on the back of her neck stood up whenever Mara entered her space.

“Can I trust you in my house?” Alani asked.

“I…ma’am…why would you…”

“The stuttering isn’t reassuring,” Alani admitted. “It’s a simple question. Can I trust you here?” Alani asked. She couldn’t continue to allow Mara in her space without having this much-needed conversation. Mara had been hired as a team when Alani had been down bad, so she hadn’t had a say, but she needed Mara to know that she now had the final say. “Where is Dr. Pratha?”

“She’s my supervising physician. I report back to her daily with your updated chart. She’s still overseeing care. That hasn’t changed.”

“If you’re going to be here being the primary caregiver for my children and my husband, I need to know that I can trust you. I can be territorial. It’s weird, because I can barely remember them, but I know in my bones that they’re mine, and I’m not coming to play about my family. Like at all. I am in pieces. My heart. My mind. My body. So, this feeling I get regarding you is probably me being insecure because I’m useless to them right now. What I think is intuition could be me projecting that energy onto you. I could probably deal with that myself if this was a normal, weekly appointment, but you are staying here under my roof, 24 hours a day. So, I’m going to ask you again. Can I trust you?”

“I’m not here for your husband or your children, Alani. My primary job is to monitor your health and recovery, as well as baby True’s, and to provide 24-hour care. That includes mental recovery, physical therapy, and your meals and grooming. I only prepared a meal for your family to be helpful because the house manager your husband hired couldn’t start today. Lily, I think her name is. I must prepare your meals anyway, so it’s not a problem to make sure the servings are enough to feed your entire family. I come from a big family. I never really learned how to cook in small portions. I apologize. I didn’t mean to overstep.”

Alani nodded and skeptically lowered her guard a bit.

Maybe I’m overreacting.

“Listen, I get it,” Mara stated. “You are vulnerable right now. On top of everything you’re facing, you’re also postpartum. I know my role here, but I also understand your concern. Your husband is handsome. He’s powerful. He’s all the things a woman wants, and a lot of women would prey on him.”