Page 80 of Wild and Wanted

Not ever, not ever again.

His slow smile warmed her from the outside in and by the time she’d sung two more verses and finished on the chorus, she was practically vibrating from his obvious enjoyment.

‘I fucking love it,’ he announced as the last note drifted into the darkening skies.

Stevie laughed. ‘Well, you would, it’s about you.’

‘Of course but… it’s really catchy and trust me, every cowboy I know is going to adopt this as his personal anthem. They’re going to make that a number one hit, blasting it in their trucks on repeat.’

‘From your lips to God’s ears,’ Stevie said with a grin as she placed the guitar on the ground.

‘Maybe I could… come and see you in concert some time? I’ve not seen you live, you’ve only ever been in my radio or on the TV.’

His innocent statement wiped the grin right off her face. ‘Oh no.’ She shook her head vehemently. ‘Please don’t.’

He laughed. ‘Okay.’

Realising she’d been abrupt, Stevie said, ‘Sorry, it’s just…’ She drew her legs to her chest and hugged them. ‘I’d be far too nervous knowing you were there. It would take my barely controllable stage fright to another level.’

Clay frowned. ‘You get stage fright?’

‘Yes. Very badly.’

He moved in his chair so he was sitting side on, facing her. ‘I’m sorry… I didn’t realise. You seemed okay when you sang at the cookout last week.’

‘I’m fine in front of a small group. I mean, I get a little nervous but not panic attack territory. But as soon as there’s a big crowd my heart races and I start to feel sick.’

‘I’ve seen clips of you on stage, you’d never know.’

‘That’s because I had Yolly. She knew about my nerves and she understood. We had this little ritual before we went on stage that really helped and then when we went on, it was always her in the spotlight anyway. She was the front woman, she adored the crowds and they adored her right back. And I adored her so it was like every time I was on stage with her, I was at her concert with the best seat in the house. I could tell myself that everyone was looking at her, not me. But now, I have to go alone and… it gets harder and harder. Once I’m singing I can usually go to a place in my head where I can perform, but actually getting on that stage is a white-knuckle ride.’

His frown deepened like he was having difficulty computing what she was saying. ‘You sang at the Grammies.’

Stevie nodded. ‘I vomited twice in the dressing room before I went on stage.’

‘Stevie…’ he whispered, his hand sliding across the space between the chairs and onto her upper arm. ‘That sounds… awful.’

She rolled her head to the side, her eyes meeting his. ‘It is.’

‘Does your mom know?’

Stevie shook her head. ‘She knows I get really nervous before going on stage but not the extent of it. I don’t want to… worry her.’

His expression turned grim and Stevie could see he disapproved but… it was complicated and she didn’t want him judging her mom.

‘Have you spoken to someone about it? A therapist? Because you have a tour starting in November, right? You can’t go through that every time you have to go on stage. There must be some medication that could help you manage those symptoms.’

‘Yes, you’re probably right, but the thing is…’ Stevie faltered. She’d never uttered this to anyone before but with everything they’d shared it felt right for him to know this thing she couldn’t speak out loud. ‘I don’t think I want to do this any more.’

‘Perform?’

She swallowed. ‘Yeah.’

‘Okay.’ He nodded gently, his hand dropping to the arm of her chair. ‘So… why not just stop?’

Stevie shut her eyes. If only it was that simple. ‘I can’t just stop.’ Her eyes flashed open. ‘I have a contract and an agent and a label and a twenty-city national tour starting in November which means everything to my mom. A national tour was Yolly’s dream.’

‘And what about your dream? What’s Stevie’s dream?’